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She don't got a lot to say, but there's smthg about her.

*LADY-A!
Hiyaa there, everyone!
My name is Marsha, but people always call me Acha. Hence, my name is Lady A. *i know, i know.
I am currently 19, meaning I am enjoying my last year of ages '1-something'. I am a dreamy, random girl; a fusion between mature and childish who cannot stop thinking. I love a lot of things, now watch me rock my world *and probably yours as well.
-Follow me on Twitter! @marshaimaniara

to see the old archives, click the title 'i am riding marsha-go-round'

Please visit my online thrift-shop! :D
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Happiness, is having a scratch for every itch.

your doodle.

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Time changes everything, even you and I have changed.

My friends
Amanda DW. Atalya. Cantika. Chin-chin. Devina. Gisela. Jessica K. Lydia. Metta. Monik. Yosi. Zee.

Love this
Amandawxr. Elle&Jess Yamada. Jesslovesfred. Neil Slorance.



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“i am riding marsha-go-round”
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update update!
30.6.11 || 10:53:00 AM

hello people!
it's time for a little fun, insignificant* post!
woohooo! :DD

*btw lucu deh, masa aku iseng buka google translate tentang insignificant, salah satu artiny ada yang 'bersifat tempe' HAHA

anywaaaay, i just wanna post a little update on me!
1. i'm enjoying dancing 'gee' by SNSD (yet again) *woot woot *jellyfish dance
maybe someday i'll post the video of me dancing it, but maybe, just maybe. hhas

2. i'm currently REALLY fond of the sound 'ponyo', 'munya-munya', and 'nyip-nyip'.
now i'm using 'nyip-nyip' as a pet name for my doggie, dipsy, while i'm still confused about 'ponyo'. i wanna name my laptop 'ponyo', but it has already been named 'zafira' (from sapphire) because it's elegant blue. i wanna name my cellphone 'ponyo', but it's elegant red and Y said 'ponyo' just won't do.
soooo... ): i'm still clueless as to what i shall name 'ponyo'. any idea, guys??

3. i'm currently craving McDonald's french fries and McFlurry choco milo! gargh it's addictive.

4. my mood is currently extremely high because yesterday Y came and saved me from the evil of boredom. hooorraaaay!
we had an imaginary date in my room: lying in bed and acting like we were stargazing (at the ceiling, yeah right hhas), lying in bed and acting like we were riding a bicycle (actually, he insisted to ride a Vespa while i rode bicycle - and we really paddled with our legs up in the air and our back straight in bed!), and also (still) lying in bed and acting like we were running on the beach. HAHA silly, i know. but i just looooveeee that game (x *i don't know about him though HAHA

5. i'm currently playing the role of cinderella at home, and also work as my mother's secretary. not that i complain (at least, not too much (x hhas)

and last but not least...
Quote of the day:
Just remember. Anyone before me was mistake, and anyone after me will be downgrade.
via http://twitter.com/cyceicy
HAHA kinda scary *lirik Y, but funny. hhas kidding (x


sooo..
all in all, i'm having a pretty good time.
hope you too *winkk.
smell y'all later!

PS. i'm serious about HAVING TO name something 'ponyo'. so if you guys have any idea what i should name 'ponyo', you call me!

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Untitled
26.6.11 || 9:17:00 AM

I think to be in love means breaking down your walls, surrendering a part of your heart, and having the courage to show your weaknesses to the other person; your partner should not judge you but instead they become your support system that helps strengthen you when you’re allowing a part of yourself to be open. Being in love is supposed to be gut-wrenching and heart-stopping in a beautiful kind of way. Love is supposed to make you go crazy and you should be able to view life in a much grander scale. The sky’s supposed to be brighter and the flowers should bloom even more. I think a person should see even more beauty of life when they’re in love.
-Cantika P.


that quote is just beautiful.
i quoted it from a senior who is really great at writing. and it's just beautiful.
to me, it happens to be true.
i've spent almost my entire life building walls, hiding pain, keeping story to myself.
i find it... 'unappealing' to show my weaknesses and make a fuss of something private.
i share only a little, and that too is only for certain closest people.
and even the closest people never get the full story. or what i truly feel about a certain issue.
when i feel really sad about something, and i happen to have or need to tell someone about it, i usually warn them in advance 'don't try to console me! don't say anything! do not comment!' in fear that if they do so, i might break down and cry my eyes out.
and that's what i try my best to avoid.

people say i'm a good listener: i don't push people to tell me what i wanna hear, but rather let them tell me what they wanna tell.
but when it comes to telling my own story?
nah. not my thing.
i just feel that i can't bother people with my stories and problems, they've got their own.
i'm the strong shoulder to cry on. i cannot, and i shouldn't, break down.

but as time goes by, and the burden starts to pile up on my shoulder, i find it harder to be so strong and be superhero myself.

and then this man came.
he showed me how stupid i am to put on a mask every time, and not letting even the closest ones know me.
*although he himself doesn't really like to tell his stories to people as well HAHA
but then just like that, we both learned to open up our selves.
he was really glad when i was willing to open a 'curhat' session with him, and vice versa.
we started to tell each other our stories; not only the 'haha-hihi' part of our selves, but also showing our weaknesses.
and along the way, we fell in love with each other.

i realized, when i've started to do this, there is no going back.
i've given him a part of me, sometimes it can be the most fragile one, knowingly that he can break it apart.
but i think, that's what it's all about.
if one wants to make a relationship works or moves into the next level, one needs to give him/herself to the partner.
of course, i personally think that in a relationship, still, there should be some parts of me i need to keep to myself. otherwise i might lose myself completely when *amitamit* things go awry and we need to go our separate way.
but nonetheless there needs to be some depth, some trust.
we need to have the courage to show our weaknesses, and to accept theirs as well as we accompany them, and support them along the way.

my significant other and i are in the process of learning this.
sometimes we are still unwilling to be seen weak in front of each other.
but event after event have shown that when we have enough courage to break down our walls and let the other one comes in, and more over understands, we discover something that makes our relationship stronger.
we see things a bit clearer, and everything seems to be even more beautiful.

so, Y, i know that we are both having our own problems now.
but as we always say to each other, we will always be together.
i'll be right there holding your hands as you'll be right here holding mine.
we'll support each other in our own battle. and we'll come out both winners.

be tough, kecoakman. (:
semangat semangaaaaaaat!
you will always be my supersuperhero.
i love you. ♥ :*

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a disappointment
20.6.11 || 10:01:00 PM

well.. i just found out something rather disappointing.
i didn't get the scholarship.

so i applied for the 'foster parent scholarship program' in campus.
they would review our study report and our economic background.
one of the committee once said to me, 'you've got this amazing 4.0 GPA; if you didn't make it, it just means that there are others who need it more than you do.'

sigh.
right now i just can't understand which part of me that tells them 'she doesn't need it that bad.' i couldn't even pay for my tuition last semester, for God's sake. i had to borrow money from my church, and i haven't even been able to pay it back.
my mom is a single mother, working as a primary school teacher with less than 2millions earning per month. and i need to pay yet another semester tuition this july / august, which is about 7millions.

gosh i just need something to help me understand.
anything to help me make a sense out of it.
i kinda wanna scream, or cry, or even protest, or merely ask why. why?
but all i can manage to let out is solid silence. and a weak smile.
i just need some time to digest this.

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a tribute to Amanda DW
|| 6:32:00 PM

from thinking 'i can see flaws in myself that people cannot see', now i think 'people haven't seen all the goodness that i can see in me'.
-Amanda D.W.

first thing first, you really need to visit http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com .
it's my best friend's and it has reaaally great posts in it.
one of the inspiring story i found in it, you can find in http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-previous-struggle.html .

this particular post talks about her previous struggle with accepting who she was, about her feeling some kinda inferiority around her best friends (which includes me).
i was so moved when i read this post. not just because i am flattered that she thought so high of me (i'm not that charismatic, you see, honey, but what touches me the most is when you said i am a special person to you and like your personal diary), but most of all it's because i really feel that i can relate to this.

i am quite surprised to see that you - of all people, amanda; we are more alike than we thought - ever experienced what i was struggling with as well.
it is exactly what i thought back then, what am i really good at?
people say i'm smart, what with almost always getting first rank - but i never really see me as 'smart'. i'm not so good in math or physics, there are people who are better than me. i think i managed to rank first because i managed to get quite even marks for all the subjects, but nothing extraordinary, like this one particular field i'm really good at.
people say i'm talented with communication and public speaking, well... at some cases, yes. but i even find it hard to adapt or even find close friends in my college at first. so yeah, im not that charismatic. sometimes, other people get to be listened to more than me because somehow they are just way more attractive than i am. especially in my major, International Relations, there are people who debate, give speeches, or even talk in classes WAY better than i do. so no, i do not think that i stand out.
people say i dance really good, both traditional or modern one, but NO. i still need a lot of improvement. there are a lot who dance better than me. me? i just love dancing sooo much.
people say i am cute, and in some cases beautiful, but well it is occasionally, and i don't turn heads. nuh-uh. not me.

etc etc etc.
so you see, i found it hard to find something that i really stand out at (i do know how you feel, Amanda - i even used to feel that i was the inferior one; what with you and adel the smartest at math and physics and etc, nana the prettiest, ita the most popular, also with monik).
i couldn't help but thought i am soo ordinary, a mediocre.
but as i grew up, i also learn to accept me. to love me.
i may not be the most gifted person in the world, but i am gifted.
one thing that i believe in is that GOD doesn't make mistake.
when i start to feel good about myself, and especially with what's inside, the world will follow.

Amanda, this is for you and me:
I challenge the worst in me; compete with the best in me.
-Unknown

i've known this quote for a long time and have always loved this quote. but only after i read your post, Amanda, i really knew what it meant (or at least what it meant for me). it's as if the quote had long offered me the answer to my struggle, but i never really realized it.

you see, people tend to compare. that includes myself.
i often compare myself to those i think are much better than me - prettier, smarter, more popular, more talented etc.

but that is exactly the problem.
i only see bits of the picture.
for example, i compare myself to A, she is better than me at doing XYZ in high school.
but when i look at the bigger picture, if i continue the comparison...
A would go into college, majoring in what she does better than me. but in that particular major, there would be people who are better than A at XYZ as well. let's say it's B.
but when B goes to work in that field, there would be people who have been in there longer, and have done better. let's say it's C.
and when C goes into the international field, there would be D, E, or even F that are better than him/her at XYZ.
and the list goes on and on and on.
there would always, always be people who are better than us. we would never be satisfied if comparing is our answer to feeling good about our selves.

but rather, the quote above showed the answer.
it doesn't matter what others could've done better than you and me.
what really matters is that i know how good i am, i know my limit - best and worst of me, and i dare to challenge them. dare to break em.
i challenge the worst in me to be better, and i compete with the best in me to see that i can actually break the limit.
i am better than i was. i will be better than i am.
i think that's what matters. (:
combined with love and acceptance to myself, also not forgetting to be thankful of me and what i am, this will *i hope* eventually lead me to happiness.

so now whenever i feel insecure about who i am and what i can do compared to others, i will remember that quote.

yes, thanks to you, Amanda DW. (:
you are too a very, very special person to me.
to my eyes and heart, you are very beautiful - inside and out.

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no fun to almost torture
19.6.11 || 8:22:00 PM

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You should seriously be ashamed of yourself - you are no fun to interrogate or almost torture! -Sue Sylvester (to Artie)

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URS Promnite 2011 - Royal Wedding UK
|| 2:12:00 PM

hiiyaa there, folks! :DD
as you probably remember, i am a member of Unpar Radio Station (URS). i am one of the producers.

well last nite, the URS family had a prom nite for the seniors (7th batch) who will no longer be in the management, but instead will leave and go into the alumni body. the 8th and 9th batch were the prom nite committee, and i was a member of the event organizer division.

the theme this year was Royal Wedding UK (URS Kingdom). so everyone needs to dress as creative as possible to fit in the theme. i wore my old dress, dressing as the bridesmaid. my other friends dressed as the guests. but some seniors were dressed pretty much to the nines (x

kak uci, my fellow producer and one of the 'graduating' seniors, dressed as the bride to our surprise! and kak ihsan, announcer and also one of the 'graduating' seniors, dressed as the groom. other graduating seniors were dressed as knight, priest (yeah, priest!), lady, even victoria and david beckham hhas

beside being an event organizer division member, i was also one of the dancers in the cabaret.
have you ever heard of an indonesian girl band called '7 icons'?
yeah, you got that right. the one with the debut single 'playboy' HAHA
well, that was the dance we danced at the end of the cabaret. and thank God we managed to kick it well. yaaaay :DD
it was kinda intimidating when people were cheering for me but thank God thank God thank God i didn't forget any move *relieved sigh.

and... i am glad to tell you that the party was a success :DD yaaaay
everyone had crazy fun, they enjoyed the performances (band and cabaret) and the games, the food was total yum-yum, the slow dance worked quite well (for the couples at least HAHA, while others just having fun watchin and cheerin for em), the crazy dance floor was a hit, and everyone also loved the movie from the committee and the awards.

well another good news from me is...
i won the voting for 'best producer of the year' award!
it was a surprise for me cause i thought one of the seniors like kak nuy or kak uci would've got it. i just thought i hadn't quite deserved it. well the award was kinda a whip for me to work harder, especially since i was elected as chief producer for the upcoming academic year.
so... i promise i'm gonna work my best! :DD

here are some pics of the nite

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the 'graduating' batch 7

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the royal bride and groom : p (see how beautiful she was? kak uci, i heart you!)

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the king, the prince, and the knight (can you guess which is who?)

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david and victoria beckham (ehem ehem)

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the cuteee 'waitresses' a.k.a. the 'food division'! : p hhas

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the bride and her bridesmaid (me, me, me with the beautiful kak uci! : p )

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some of the committee (:

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with kak aldo and kak nisa!

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novia and me - yin and yang! : p *do you notice?
and look at the gorgeous set: good job decor team! *the camera set actually flashed for real!

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me and 'bapak penghulu' or the official who officiated people's marriages in indonesia : p btw is it just me... or do i look taller in this pic?? yaaaay *jellyfish dance.
added on june 20th: wait, just remembered i wore 7cms high heels. no wonder! *sigh


congratulations batch 7 seniors!
we love you..


URS - WE WORK, WE PLAY, WE ARE FAMILY!

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beauty of life
18.6.11 || 9:41:00 AM

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
-Unknown

HAHA funny.
*wondering what's with the title? well, i actually intended to post a quote about beauty of life, but this quote creamed it. period.

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i've learned that...
15.6.11 || 11:41:00 AM

You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. -Nicholas Sparks


Remember the previous post, when i told a story about 'the girl'?
well, most likely you can already guess that it was about me (;
today, i am not gonna post anything mellow-y.
instead... i'm gonna post something about... choice, and thanksgiving :DD

well, despite the enigma i've put myself into, there are things i've discovered along the winding road i chose.

First.
I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
and that applies for me as well.
i did choose 'love', and it had cost me one of my best friends.
i guess i've always known what was coming for me, but somehow somewhere, i kept that hope that she would eventually forgive me, that she would want to see me happy. i always said to my self, hey, if things were reversed, i knew that i would want that.
but that's that. knew - knowing. how could i know for sure that i too would be able to forgive so easily?
well as a matter of fact, this kinda thing happened to me when i was in primary school. i know, you will say 'puppy love *scoff*'. but it hurt me as well when my best friend hooked up with the boy i liked. however, i helped them hook up, and accept *although rather tearfully at first* that they were both happier together than if the three of us just walked around by our selves.
well guess i'll never know for sure how it felt to be my (former?) best friend. so i can't *and i won't* judge her, or even myself, because she as well would never know what it feels like to be me, and choosing what i chose right in my shoes.
i mean, i have a picture of the feeling, but i will never feel it exactly like she would. and vice versa.
so if i may be so bold, can i just say 'i'm really, really sorry that i have to hurt you in the process. i never intended to hurt you. but if i have to be really honest, i don't regret that i made this choice - to fight for my love. i just hope that one day you'll be able to let this go off your chest, and love, and live to the fullest again.'


Second.
I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
At first, i found it hard to forgive myself. i blamed my self for hurting her, for trampling on her hopes, and probably made it difficult for her to ever trust people again. During those days, i would 'punish' myself by looking at her facebook status *which talks about betrayal quite a lot* and mourn the truth that for once, i AM the bad guy. i let her hurt me through all that status because well, i thought i deserved that.
i didn't even listen to what my other best friends like jessi, amanda, ita, nana, monik, or caesa said that it was not really my fault. that i didn't 'snatch' anything from her. that it was a matter of love and heart, and so who was to blame but no one?
but then i read a few things about forgiveness. that i shouldn't let people hurt me. that it was only a shortcut to be able to think of myself better.
so i started to learn to forgive myself.
i now fully realized that i did what i believed was best for me, and my lover. that i too did hurt her, but i had sincerely apologized. and whether i like it or not, it is her choice to forgive me and be free, or not.
as to when i would be able to forgive myself completely, well, it remains unknown. the process hasn't ended yet, but at least it has started.


Third.
I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
I always said that the reason why i didn't stand aside for my best friend and avoid hurting people's feelings like i usually did was because i believed about what i felt to this guy, about what we have, and about what we hope for the future, as you might have noticed in the past posts.
what i didn't mention was, during the process, i experienced a few times how this faith got shaken. sometimes i wondered, what if all this was proven to be wrong. what if we separated along the way. didn't it mean that i had hurt my best friend for nothing?
but occasions after occasions proved to me that those worries were all non sense. i love him now, he loves me now, so what does it matter? in the future, a few things might change and it will, because what doesn't? whether it will change for the better or worse, i don't know yet. but i am sure that our love is worth to fight for, and i am grateful that i had the courage to choose the winding road and take the risk for what i believe in: US. (':


Fourth.
I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
Along the journey, i discovered that i do still have these amazing, wonderful people behind me, that support and love me no matter what i choose.
My family - thanks, Mom, for believing in me that i would never mean any harm to anyone.
My bestfriends - thanks Amanda, for accompanying me the whole last night i met her where nothing seemed right; thanks Jessi, for always telling me, that it is a matter of heart and love, and to help me forgive myself; thanks Monik, Maya, Caesa, Chin-chin, for making everything more bearable that day.
My lover - thanks Yoseph, for accompanying me thru that night even if just by SMS and phone (: thanks for making me feel better. thanks for yosephizing my life. :*

So in the end, i can proudly say that.. i've learned more about friendship, love, forgiveness, choice, and being grateful.
This experience has helped me grow, hopefully to be a better person. (:


I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. -Omer B. Washington


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cold war
13.6.11 || 7:48:00 AM

so here goes.

a girl had a best friend.
her best friend liked a guy. the kinda guy that people would say 'he's got the look, the talent, the brain'. she confided lots of the story and her feelings to the girl.
the girl, on the other half, during all the up-and-downs and all unpredictable events, happened to be friends with the guy.
it didn't start out planned, it just happened.
to the girl, you can believe it or not, it was never the number one factor all those people first capture of him.
to her, it was not the look, it was not the talent, it was not the brain.
for she had known from long ago that he indeed got the look, and he indeed got the talent, and he indeed got the brain, and that indeed he was dreamed by most likely all the girls around her.
but all those were never the ones that made her fall.
the girl wasn't quite sure how and when she exactly fell for the guy.
she just knew that she was really comfortable around him, he made her feel safe and happy.
he confided the secrets he never told people to this girl.
he could be on the phone with this girl for hours.
she could be just the way she was whenever she was with the guy.
the guy brought out the best in her.
but the girl, not aware of the love growing inside her, thought he just considered her as a friend.
after all, he was thought by everyone as 'the star', and happened to have a lot of friends which are, well, girls.

so time passed by.
the girl felt the strange and uneasy feelings inside her grew stronger and stronger.
she started to worry, if she had fallen for this guy.
but she told no one.
she thought, 'what's the use of making fuss of nothing? besides, he would never think of me, i could never win his heart, well, i wouldn't try to, for the sake of my best friend.'
so it was all shut tight in her heart.
she stopped encouraging her best friend so often for she felt like a hypocrite, she didn't say a thing when not asked.
she pretended to like other guy, just to convince her own heart that nothing had happened.
sometimes, she couldn't stop crying at nights when she was having war inside herself.
well, for this was the case: the clock was ticking, they were graduating soon.
she really had to make up her mind, whether she would confess her feelings to her best friend and try to win the heart of the guy, or if she would just keep everything shut.
she had no answer. not yet.
she kept having those two persons most endeared to her heart close to her, and just be happy for those rare moments.
she kept loving and caring for her best friend,
and she also kept caring for the guy - though with him *she supposed* unnoticed of it.

but then that day came.
graduation day.
after all night of partying, hugging her best friends tight like it was the last time, she got a surprise. or a shock, if we want to be more precise.
the guy - whom was 'the guy' for two girls at this exact time in this story - got up on stage.
after a few pauses, he finally said that he liked the girl. the girl that thought that he would think nothing of their friendship. the girl that thought that it was unlikely that something could actually happen between them.

well, the rest of the story is rather clear.
the girl postponed the clarification until she had spoken to the best friend she had unintentionally hurt.
but the best friend said nothing but forgiveness and blessings.
she could barely believe her luck - that she had such an amazing best friend yet she also got to have the guy she most loved.
happy ending? well, not really.

time, again as it always does, passed by.
it turned out that her best friend had not really forgiven nor forgotten about all those past events.
the girl felt strongly guilty. for she had made her own best friend suffer, and worst, lost faith in thing called 'friendship' and 'hope'.
she apologized several times. she did not break up with the guy, though. not with her heart so sure of their love.
the girl then tried everything she could to avoid breaking her best friend's heart even more.
she did not post the status nor pics in facebook, she avoided posting walls to her guy's profile.
but it was hard. it was hard to keep the best friend from hurting while not making the guy like the second priority.
she also had to make sure that she did not make her guy uncomfortable with the posting.
but then the guy wondered to the girl, 'why are you so exclusive about us dating?'

so the girl changed everything.
she now dared to post walls, pics, status, and everything.
BUT, she also kept it so that it would not be seen by her best friend.
she always hit the button 'DO NOT PUBLISH' in facebook whenever she posted pics.
she always erased the notification in her profile of her posting walls to her guy.

however, the story ended *hopefully just for a while* with the best friend blocked her facebook profile.
the girl then realized that her best friend no longer wanted to contact her, or to know anything about her anymore.
so she backed off. she didn't want to confront and push her.
maybe, just maybe, some things are just too hurtful to forgive.

a few days ago, the girl met her best friend for the first time after a long while.
they did not greet each other. they did not look at each other.
it was as if they two did not recognize the other's presence.
solid ignorance, ended up in total pain for the girl.
how she longed to greet her (former?) bestfriend, to say how beautiful she was that night, to ask how the MC-thingy she got was going, or even just to smile at her and have her smile back at her.
but nothing happened. the girl went home early for she was sick on that day.
leaving everything behind.
leaving the cold war arena.
leaving her (former?) best friend, with her boyfriend on the phone and tears welling in her eyes.

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The Perfect Man
12.6.11 || 12:56:00 PM


You won’t be his first, his last, or his only.

He’s loved before, he will love again,

but if he loves you now, what else matters?

He’s not perfect.

You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.

But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice,

and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry.

He’s not thinking about you every moment,

but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give.

Don’t analyze.

Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had.

Because perfect guys don’t exist,

but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you.


-Bob Marley




http://itsjustahobby.tumblr.com/post/2996170779/itsjustahobby-tumblr-com

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dignity and pride
1.6.11 || 10:34:00 AM

all my life i've been trying to be this nice little girl. especially after my father had passed away and i am left alone with my mom. i knew ever since then that i had to be the best daughter i can be so that i wouldn't have to make my mom suffer, or my dad disappointed of me. i want to make my mom's life easier, and my dad - wherever he is now, hopefully in a much better place than this earth - proud of me.

i always study when i have to, i don't need my mom yelling at me for that.
i always try to be a nice friend for the people around me.
never yell at them, always try to never talk bad or curse at anybody.
when people stab my back, i always try just to accept that knife with a smile.
i never tried to retaliate.
when people talk dirty about me, i learned to hide the pain in a smile and cry just when i am alone in bed at night.

but i am tired. i am tired being that nice little girl, who would not say anything when people hurt her, who would always forgive people, who would avoid any fight, or having any enemy; who hates it so bad whenever there are people who dislike her.

i am tired.

and to you, these two particular people who apparently showed up just to make my life miserable and none otherwise,
what did i do that hurt you? why do you keep hurting me?
why can't you say that right to my face instead of just talking bad behind my back?
i wonder if that even a TRUTH that came out of your mouth *or worse, text msg - and not even to me, but other people.
DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE?
ARE YOU AFRAID THAT I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT ALL OF THEM ARE LIES?

so you are rich. WELL, I DON'T CARE.
why do rich people think they can trample on the poor and the powerless?
why do you think you can hurt us just all you want?

i am so annoyed that my first reaction was only silence.
complete, solid silence.
and that it pierced me right through the hotter side of my brain.
the next reaction was i wanted to scream at your face all the curses i would try hardest to avoid.
and i hate you for that. i hate you for putting those words inside my brain.
all those curses that contaminated me like poison - that i so detest, but cannot resist.
i chose to shut my mouth instead of letting you win the battle by turning me into an emotional cursing girl.
and the third reaction, was crying.
i couldn't stop crying for it hurt me so bad.
i cried, and i cried, and i cried.
in short, i cried my eyes out. for only God knows how long.

so i learned my lesson.
you can talk all you want, but i'll regain my calmness.
i WILL NOT, and mark my words, i WILL NOT accept your insults anymore.
but unlike you, who offend people in any way that you can, i will take the classy way to stand up for my self.
i will not swear, or curse at you.
i will smile upon that desperate step of yours.
and know deeply in my heart, and be grateful, that i do not have to take such an act to hurt someone who had never hurt you.
yeah, at the end of the day, i will smile.
i will forgive you.
but not like a meek little girl anymore;
instead with dignity. and pride.

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