Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

I Look to You

4.7.11 || 8:52:00 AM

As I lay me down

Heaven hear me now

I'm lost without a cause

After giving it my all

Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun

After all that I've been through

Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You

Have to lose my breath

There's no fighting left

Sinking to rise no more

Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken

Led to my regret

And I don't know if I'm go'n make it

Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You

My levees are broken

My walls are coming down on me

My rain is falling

Defeat is calling

I need You to set me free

Take me far away from the battle

I need You

Shine on me!

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You...

Labels: c'est la vie, justmylife, numb

dignity and pride

1.6.11 || 10:34:00 AM

all my life i've been trying to be this nice little girl. especially after my father had passed away and i am left alone with my mom. i knew ever since then that i had to be the best daughter i can be so that i wouldn't have to make my mom suffer, or my dad disappointed of me. i want to make my mom's life easier, and my dad - wherever he is now, hopefully in a much better place than this earth - proud of me.

i always study when i have to, i don't need my mom yelling at me for that.

i always try to be a nice friend for the people around me.

never yell at them, always try to never talk bad or curse at anybody.

when people stab my back, i always try just to accept that knife with a smile.

i never tried to retaliate.

when people talk dirty about me, i learned to hide the pain in a smile and cry just when i am alone in bed at night.

but i am tired. i am tired being that nice little girl, who would not say anything when people hurt her, who would always forgive people, who would avoid any fight, or having any enemy; who hates it so bad whenever there are people who dislike her.

i am tired.

and to you, these two particular people who apparently showed up just to make my life miserable and none otherwise,

what did i do that hurt you? why do you keep hurting me?

why can't you say that right to my face instead of just talking bad behind my back?

i wonder if that even a TRUTH that came out of your mouth *or worse, text msg - and not even to me, but other people.

DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE?

ARE YOU AFRAID THAT I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT ALL OF THEM ARE LIES?

so you are rich. WELL, I DON'T CARE.

why do rich people think they can trample on the poor and the powerless?

why do you think you can hurt us just all you want?

i am so annoyed that my first reaction was only silence.

complete, solid silence.

and that it pierced me right through the hotter side of my brain.

the next reaction was i wanted to scream at your face all the curses i would try hardest to avoid.

and i hate you for that. i hate you for putting those words inside my brain.

all those curses that contaminated me like poison - that i so detest, but cannot resist.

i chose to shut my mouth instead of letting you win the battle by turning me into an emotional cursing girl.

and the third reaction, was crying.

i couldn't stop crying for it hurt me so bad.

i cried, and i cried, and i cried.

in short, i cried my eyes out. for only God knows how long.

so i learned my lesson.

you can talk all you want, but i'll regain my calmness.

i WILL NOT, and mark my words, i WILL NOT accept your insults anymore.

but unlike you, who offend people in any way that you can, i will take the classy way to stand up for my self.

i will not swear, or curse at you.

i will smile upon that desperate step of yours.

and know deeply in my heart, and be grateful, that i do not have to take such an act to hurt someone who had never hurt you.

yeah, at the end of the day, i will smile.

i will forgive you.

but not like a meek little girl anymore;

instead with dignity. and pride.

Labels: bloody day, c'est la vie, numb, ruined biatch

punishing myself

9.10.10 || 5:54:00 PM

hello, people! (x
how's life been treating you lately?? great, hopefully, cos you totally deserve it!
i, myself, are experiencing hectic hectic times now in college. what with the upcoming mid-term exams, committee stuffs, training in radio...

hey, guess i forgot to tell you the updates.
first.. i got accepted in IREC (international relations english club), an organization under the international relations students union. as what?? as staff of the funraiser division - responsible for fun stuffs like movie reviews, and the nearest event to come about is... halloween party! (x im responsible as the member of event division, specifically as liaison officer (L.O.) for shante band.
next.. i got accepted in Unpar Radio Station (URS) as producer! yaaaay (x the screening was tough, slightly above the IREC screening test. but thank God i made it yaay hhas now i have to go through some stages of training, but they're all soooo FUN. like heaps. *winkk. the newest members of URS must also prepare an event for the seniors, call the "initiation".
and... third is... RUN, which stands for "Remarkable and Unforgettable Night". this is an event, held by the FISIP (Faculty of Social and Political Science) students year 2010 for the seniors. the theme this year is all about environment. i came up with the tagline which is "fisip for our planet - a charity night". yeah cos basically this event will also contribute for a charity (;

and nooow.
i just finished the novel "eat, love and pray" in one day yesterday. and im obliged to tell you: the boooook IS great. totally. it brings up new perspectives on viewing life, misery, and how to put the misery behind. how to deal and forgive yourself, even others. i found some issues in the book really relevant to mine, and it helps a lot! (x totally recommended. and as far as i know, the movie is now playing in cinemas near you. correct me if im mistaken. hhas cant wait to watch the movie, but... heck, im facing midterm exams starting NEXT monday. gosh. wish me luck, folks. hhas

anyway.. despite reading a great book - fyi, it also encourages me a lot to keep trying and be closer with God - i cant help 'punishing' myself just this afternoon. i dont know why.. just the fact that the problem had never been totally clear..

well, i guess im confusing you. let's move back a sec, then. i'll give you an abstract. let's say.. i hurt someone. i was the one to rely on before this happened, and i really never meant to hurt. well i dont really know actually. i chose. but my choice hurt someone. and this has never been comunicated clearly. i dont really forgive myself. i still cant. so i keep punishing myself over and over again. i keep flickering thru that person's wall, reading all the quotes about liars and betrayers. i cant decide whether it's really my fault. or even, if it's a fault at all. i guess i did make a mistake, i wrong that person. i hurt that person, i fail that person's faith. but.. this isn't a matter i can really choose easily. this isn't a matter i can give up - yet i also dont wanna give up that person. for i still care about that person, i just dont know how to show it. i dont know how to act as if nothing ever happened. i reaaally wanna talk this thru. but i guess it's too late.

im usually not the kinda person who dwells in problems too long. but this one problem.. it never really ceases. sometimes it's pushed into the background, but soon it will resurface. and it will make me feel all wrong.

im still sure about the choice i made. the way i feel.. the way the "other person in this case" feels and makes me feel.. but im not sure about the person i hurt. im not sure what im supposed to do. how to act. what to say. how to make things right.

or...
is it too late to fix things up..?

Labels: justmylife, numb