Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

a disappointment

20.6.11 || 10:01:00 PM

well.. i just found out something rather disappointing.

i didn't get the scholarship.

so i applied for the 'foster parent scholarship program' in campus.

they would review our study report and our economic background.

one of the committee once said to me, 'you've got this amazing 4.0 GPA; if you didn't make it, it just means that there are others who need it more than you do.'

sigh.

right now i just can't understand which part of me that tells them 'she doesn't need it that bad.' i couldn't even pay for my tuition last semester, for God's sake. i had to borrow money from my church, and i haven't even been able to pay it back.

my mom is a single mother, working as a primary school teacher with less than 2millions earning per month. and i need to pay yet another semester tuition this july / august, which is about 7millions.

gosh i just need something to help me understand.

anything to help me make a sense out of it.

i kinda wanna scream, or cry, or even protest, or merely ask why. why?

but all i can manage to let out is solid silence. and a weak smile.

i just need some time to digest this.

Labels: bloody day, c'est la vie, justmylife

dignity and pride

1.6.11 || 10:34:00 AM

all my life i've been trying to be this nice little girl. especially after my father had passed away and i am left alone with my mom. i knew ever since then that i had to be the best daughter i can be so that i wouldn't have to make my mom suffer, or my dad disappointed of me. i want to make my mom's life easier, and my dad - wherever he is now, hopefully in a much better place than this earth - proud of me.

i always study when i have to, i don't need my mom yelling at me for that.

i always try to be a nice friend for the people around me.

never yell at them, always try to never talk bad or curse at anybody.

when people stab my back, i always try just to accept that knife with a smile.

i never tried to retaliate.

when people talk dirty about me, i learned to hide the pain in a smile and cry just when i am alone in bed at night.

but i am tired. i am tired being that nice little girl, who would not say anything when people hurt her, who would always forgive people, who would avoid any fight, or having any enemy; who hates it so bad whenever there are people who dislike her.

i am tired.

and to you, these two particular people who apparently showed up just to make my life miserable and none otherwise,

what did i do that hurt you? why do you keep hurting me?

why can't you say that right to my face instead of just talking bad behind my back?

i wonder if that even a TRUTH that came out of your mouth *or worse, text msg - and not even to me, but other people.

DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE?

ARE YOU AFRAID THAT I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT ALL OF THEM ARE LIES?

so you are rich. WELL, I DON'T CARE.

why do rich people think they can trample on the poor and the powerless?

why do you think you can hurt us just all you want?

i am so annoyed that my first reaction was only silence.

complete, solid silence.

and that it pierced me right through the hotter side of my brain.

the next reaction was i wanted to scream at your face all the curses i would try hardest to avoid.

and i hate you for that. i hate you for putting those words inside my brain.

all those curses that contaminated me like poison - that i so detest, but cannot resist.

i chose to shut my mouth instead of letting you win the battle by turning me into an emotional cursing girl.

and the third reaction, was crying.

i couldn't stop crying for it hurt me so bad.

i cried, and i cried, and i cried.

in short, i cried my eyes out. for only God knows how long.

so i learned my lesson.

you can talk all you want, but i'll regain my calmness.

i WILL NOT, and mark my words, i WILL NOT accept your insults anymore.

but unlike you, who offend people in any way that you can, i will take the classy way to stand up for my self.

i will not swear, or curse at you.

i will smile upon that desperate step of yours.

and know deeply in my heart, and be grateful, that i do not have to take such an act to hurt someone who had never hurt you.

yeah, at the end of the day, i will smile.

i will forgive you.

but not like a meek little girl anymore;

instead with dignity. and pride.

Labels: bloody day, c'est la vie, numb, ruined biatch

stop

20.4.10 || 10:07:00 PM

stop crying, you stupid girl
ARGHHH stop, stop, stop! mau ampe kapan lo begini chaaaa

Labels: bloody day, c'est la vie, justmylife, ruined biatch

this is where i got confused

|| 7:41:00 PM

and this is where i got confused.
i'm really good at putting on a smile, i really am.
but hearts just don't lie, do they?
so i keep feeling this uneasy feeling, curling there right in my upper tummy
my heart keeps feeling like it's breaking up everytime i remember we are BOTH pretending.
you want this problem to be over?
I AGREE. let's solve it.
and stop pretending.

Labels: bloody day, c'est la vie, justmylife, ruined biatch

red-eyed girl

7.5.09 || 10:39:00 PM

tears -- red-eyed
a ghost upon my shadow
trembling fear
consuming all my light - leaving it crumpled

forgotten
abandoned
unbelieving
horrified by the tales of all non-believers
(yes, they screamed! they moaned! oh, the fear...)

dying to trust, to hold
to lean on the mountain
to get some salvation..

found it nowhere!
desperate to ask,
"why can't i feel it?"
"why am i being left?"

am i?

am i, God?

i know
i know Thy Eyes see me
but i know not
i can't see it clear (blame all the grey clouds!)

i was a believer
i am now
i will always be

working to keep my promise:
i will always love YOU

Labels: bloody day, ruined biatch

.broken-hearted?.

19.3.09 || 7:39:00 PM

broken-hearted? nope.
i dun want a broken heart,
i dun wanna be d broken-hearted girl,
i dun wanna play dat part.
*sigh

but still, it pains my heart - trying not to care.
not even to look at him.

but... how can i survive (lebay), when my bestfriend said
that he, the one dat i care n lurv d most at the time,
is in lurv with one of his bestfriends???
i'm absolutely out of d game, man.
she's a part of his world, and i'm not.

yes, people said dat it's still only a possibility,
not absolutely accurate... bla bla bla.
but... it still aches my heart.

i dunno! why do chances still even bother coming between me and him??
why do i keep meeting his eyes accidentally?
why do i keep being in d same group with him whenever we have a team-work, etc?
not dat i complain, but...
if he's never to be mine, or...
if he's really in lurv with her...
i've prayed to God to take out those chances.
i need to prepare my heart to break. *sobbing
lol - ooh, touchy touchy. x)
it may sound pretty "too much" but idk.
it really matters to me. hahah at least just for now, i hope. x)

what do u say guys,
keep fighting... or quitting??

when is d best time to...
keep holding on, believing dat u can, n fight for ur lurv?
and when is d best time to let go of dat one,
bcuz u know he'll be happier with someone else n bcuz u lurv him mucho?

ooow. and d best part today dat made my day:
1. i know citenk (my girl, cissy) is finaaaaaaally making it to bali!! nyehehehe
2. i'm gonna have a pyjamas party with my girls, ajay (adel), citenk, n probably polong (jessi)
and iton (inez). x) uwaaaaa, so excited!!

okaii. ciao for now la belle! x) muchos gracias. lol

Labels: bloody day, justmythought, love

crashed

5.3.09 || 8:55:00 PM

i'm crashed, literally.

i wanna escape my depression.
or should i kill it, along with myself??

GOD.
show me YOUR way.
give me YOUR strength, support me with YOUR wings.

sumtimes i wanna die
just to feel the comfort of YOUR laps, GOD.
to feel the peace i'm lacking these past few months.
to be free to cry, and cast all my despair away.
to be laughing happily, eventually, cos i know YOU love me.

but i'm also afraid of dying, GOD.
i'm not good enough to be by YOUR side. YET.

please, GOD.

never leave me...

Labels: bloody day, ruined biatch

trick of fate

19.2.09 || 8:06:00 PM

wew. lots of things had been going on dis last few weeks.

i had amazing weeks with dat guy... oh, how i adore his eyes. lol
*silly me

but before i go to dat part, pls let me express my rage first.
yeaa guys. i'm feeling effingly mad at this one guy -
a different one than the one whose eyes i love, to be noted.

not to mention a specific person,
but that guy had confessed his love to me for the second time.
i told him no before, n i also told him no this time.

what had made me mad is...
how he told an so-called-untrue story about this "occasion".
idk, it's just he made me looked like a tricky-player-girl who had been toying wid his hopes and then left him aching on the edge of a lonely street.

oh come on, we both know the truth too DAMN well.

and now u dun even realise u'd made a mistake? man, where did u put ur heart?
im sorry for d harsh talk but i'm feeling extremely mad.
he even said such story to MY bestfriend.
dang... what more can i say??!!!!

he said i left him with no explanation RIGHT after he confessed his love to me d second time.
but hell, did i leave u?
yes i intended to; but i stayed there, didn't i??
though i told u before dis scene happenned,
how uncomfy i feel around u with u acting intended to be MORE than juz friends...
though i act harsh to imply how i give u no hope so dat u won't be hurt...
i stayed.

i still thought about ur feeling n now dis is what i get?
dang, right.

what are u trying to do now, huh?
do u really want me to look as such a tricky-player-girl?

u even told people i often texted u first.
when did dat happen??
it happenned ONLY before all dis tragedy happenned.
when we're still JUST FRIENDS - or so i thought.
but these days lately? have i texted u ONE msg first?

hell, NO.

i know better not to give u hope
bcuz i know how hurtful it would be.
dat happenned to me once or two!! and i dun want it to happen 2 u.
haven't i explained dis to u?

man, i have!!

n more than anger,
i feel extreme disappointment toward u.

i thought we can be just friends.

now im not so sure.

Labels: bloody day, justmythought