Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

i've learned that...

15.6.11 || 11:41:00 AM

You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. -Nicholas Sparks

Remember the previous post, when i told a story about 'the girl'?

well, most likely you can already guess that it was about me (;

today, i am not gonna post anything mellow-y.

instead... i'm gonna post something about... choice, and thanksgiving :DD

well, despite the enigma i've put myself into, there are things i've discovered along the winding road i chose.

First.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

and that applies for me as well.

i did choose 'love', and it had cost me one of my best friends.

i guess i've always known what was coming for me, but somehow somewhere, i kept that hope that she would eventually forgive me, that she would want to see me happy. i always said to my self, hey, if things were reversed, i knew that i would want that.

but that's that. knew - knowing. how could i know for sure that i too would be able to forgive so easily?

well as a matter of fact, this kinda thing happened to me when i was in primary school. i know, you will say 'puppy love *scoff*'. but it hurt me as well when my best friend hooked up with the boy i liked. however, i helped them hook up, and accept *although rather tearfully at first* that they were both happier together than if the three of us just walked around by our selves.

well guess i'll never know for sure how it felt to be my (former?) best friend. so i can't *and i won't* judge her, or even myself, because she as well would never know what it feels like to be me, and choosing what i chose right in my shoes.

i mean, i have a picture of the feeling, but i will never feel it exactly like she would. and vice versa.

so if i may be so bold, can i just say 'i'm really, really sorry that i have to hurt you in the process. i never intended to hurt you. but if i have to be really honest, i don't regret that i made this choice - to fight for my love. i just hope that one day you'll be able to let this go off your chest, and love, and live to the fullest again.'

Second.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

At first, i found it hard to forgive myself. i blamed my self for hurting her, for trampling on her hopes, and probably made it difficult for her to ever trust people again. During those days, i would 'punish' myself by looking at her facebook status *which talks about betrayal quite a lot* and mourn the truth that for once, i AM the bad guy. i let her hurt me through all that status because well, i thought i deserved that.

i didn't even listen to what my other best friends like jessi, amanda, ita, nana, monik, or caesa said that it was not really my fault. that i didn't 'snatch' anything from her. that it was a matter of love and heart, and so who was to blame but no one?

but then i read a few things about forgiveness. that i shouldn't let people hurt me. that it was only a shortcut to be able to think of myself better.

so i started to learn to forgive myself.

i now fully realized that i did what i believed was best for me, and my lover. that i too did hurt her, but i had sincerely apologized. and whether i like it or not, it is her choice to forgive me and be free, or not.

as to when i would be able to forgive myself completely, well, it remains unknown. the process hasn't ended yet, but at least it has started.

Third.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I always said that the reason why i didn't stand aside for my best friend and avoid hurting people's feelings like i usually did was because i believed about what i felt to this guy, about what we have, and about what we hope for the future, as you might have noticed in the past posts.

what i didn't mention was, during the process, i experienced a few times how this faith got shaken. sometimes i wondered, what if all this was proven to be wrong. what if we separated along the way. didn't it mean that i had hurt my best friend for nothing?

but occasions after occasions proved to me that those worries were all non sense. i love him now, he loves me now, so what does it matter? in the future, a few things might change and it will, because what doesn't? whether it will change for the better or worse, i don't know yet. but i am sure that our love is worth to fight for, and i am grateful that i had the courage to choose the winding road and take the risk for what i believe in: US. (':

Fourth.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

Along the journey, i discovered that i do still have these amazing, wonderful people behind me, that support and love me no matter what i choose.

My family - thanks, Mom, for believing in me that i would never mean any harm to anyone.

My bestfriends - thanks Amanda, for accompanying me the whole last night i met her where nothing seemed right; thanks Jessi, for always telling me, that it is a matter of heart and love, and to help me forgive myself; thanks Monik, Maya, Caesa, Chin-chin, for making everything more bearable that day.

My lover - thanks Yoseph, for accompanying me thru that night even if just by SMS and phone (: thanks for making me feel better. thanks for yosephizing my life. :*

So in the end, i can proudly say that.. i've learned more about friendship, love, forgiveness, choice, and being grateful.

This experience has helped me grow, hopefully to be a better person. (:

I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. -Omer B. Washington

Labels: c'est la vie, friendship, justmylife, love, quotes