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being born a natural over-sensitive, I often let myself be defined by my emotion. watching sad movies (or even happy-ending movies, mind you!), listening to touching music, seeing happy old couple... yes, even simple stuffs like that. 

be it sadness, joy, agony, anger, hurt; my emotion comes first. true that I don't always show them, especially the sad and painful, to just about everyone. the heroic reason behind this, of course, is to make sure that people don't have to worry about me. that I don't want to burden people's mind, or steal their precious time. the side reason, in the meanwhile, is that sometimes, owning up weaknesses make them more inevitable. with all these in mind, I am reserved to keep almost everything to myself (and few others with special privilege to some parts of my heart). 

I do not want to be weak by showing that I am in pain, or something is bugging me. but instead, by keeping all the negativity inside myself, it weakens me from deep within. and the loved ones closest to me, often get their 'parts' from this over-emotional me. my mother, mbok, my boyfriend, sometimes my soul sister. sometimes they just get a light silence from emotional-me-level-1. sometimes, when the emotional-me-level-2 shows up, they get cold answers. but on the rare occasion when emotional-me-level-XXX shows up (not to mention when the 'monthly-guest' shows up in the same time), they can get completely irrational behavior from me. be it harsh talk, angry outburst, unexpected tears. 

like what's been said in the song, 'words can be like weapons'. when I am surrounded with negativity, I can use words without thinking. not necessarily cursing words like 'sh*t' or 'f*ck'. just regular vocabulary, but with 'admirable' accuracy and acuity, accompanied with 'admirably' acute tone, that's able to hurt someone. yes, words I cannot take back. words and tones I can only regret right afterwards. for the shortest of moments it feels satisfying, to launch those knife-sharp words. it humors the anger inside me. it feeds the negativity inside me. at the cost of hurting my loved ones. I have made my mother cried when we had this huge fight back then, you see.

I think everyone has, at least once. or if you have not, you probably will. (or maybe that's just something I come up with to comfort myself). 

Well, the song above (Think Good Thoughts by Colbie Caillat) holds the answer. especially to me. every time I feel negativity creeps in, I always try to think good thoughts. when those evil words and tones crawl up to my head, ready to launch, I shut my lips tight and think happy thoughts. silence is better at times like this. it serves the time needed to resort my thoughts. 

It is not easy, I assure you. but what's life, without the journey to find the true self? The true self with unlimited potentials, unlimited good's, ready to unleash. I may fail here and there. I may fall down. I may lose the battle once or twice. but (hopefully I'll always remember this), I will not stop. I will not let negativity takes the better of me (especially at the cost of hurting my loved ones). 

I will think good thoughts.