Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

a brand new life - part 03

28.8.10 || 11:29:00 PM

now here comes the melancholic parts of my life.. : p
well, it's true that when i first came to bandung, i spent 2 weeks in total bliss with my new friends, with brand new experiences.. and i felt happy.
i thought i survived the adaptation and transition process... but i wasn't that lucky. hhas

in first weeks of college and orientation though, i began to feel a bit depressed. shocked, you can say. what with a sudden 'burden' on my shoulders, while i must totally be in charge of myself.. well, i was in quite an agony. that was also the time when i experienced problems with my health, when i missed my family and friends the most, when i had quite a lot going on in my head also about my relationship...

i couldn't, and wouldn't, lie to myself... there was also a sense of despair. to start again from zero point, as no one, to once more groping the rope from the very bottom... to not know for sure, 'is this really for me?'. to not know for sure, 'am i meant to be here?'. and yet, worse, to wonder in horror, 'will i fail this test?'.

well, it was tough.

i spent two whole nights crying. literally crying myself to sleep. for two whole nights. i let myself feel desperate, i let myself be pathetic little girl for those two nights.

but then, that was it.

THANK GOD, i found my strength back again in HIM. really. HE gave me the strength that i needed, to question myself long enough,

'is this all i can do? is this the best of me? why, then i must be ashamed of myself! God doesn't create me 'just' like this. HE has some special purpose. HE doesn't create me just to kill time. HE created me PERFECT in HIS eyes. i know i have my own weaknesses. but that doesn't mean im not worthy, doesn't mean i cant try to be better. doesn't mean i can't SURVIVE a transition.'

'hey, afterall... this is what i've been doing for all these years! one transition after another.. kindergarten, primary school, junior high, senior high... and i survived all those! i managed to make my own achievements there, i managed to leave something good behind...'

'so this time, i WILL succeed too! i will make it happen. i will NOT ASK THINGS TO GET BETTER, but rather, i will ASK MYSELF TO GET BETTER. i have everything i need in me, i have even more in HIM. i also have my family and friends, whom i will NEVER want to disappoint... so yeah, it's time. it's time to take a rise. stop crying. that was enuf. enuf for me to gather my strength and determination. this is ME.'

and so, now... thank GOD, i have found, once more, a courage to continue this fight. yes, it's true that i have to start from somewhere, from the bottom, apparently. but i will work my hands and practice them all well to manage to the top. not exactly in term of 'must be the best' whatsoever, but more in term of 'must be the best OF ME'.

hey, i'm a big girl now, ryte? (;

so my beloved friends, i wish for you all to keep praying with me. i hope this little sharing can help you find your strength too.. we will FIGHT together, won't we? :DD

yaaay, FIIIIGHHHHT!

on a lighter note, i'll give you some updates and random notes.
well.. i just got over an illness.. two nights ago i was brought to emergency unit (E.U.) in boromeus hospital, bandung. why..? hhas due to my own stupidity, of course. i skipped some meals for two days, i barely ate anything. soo.. yeah, no doubt my health dropped quite significantly.
i was going out for dinner in gigglebox, riau street, with my friends and some seniors. i was all fine at first, but suddenly i felt like i was about to faint. i kept vommitting, i felt darkness threatened to surround me -meaning, i was about to faint in any second, but i didnt let it. i gripped on some of my inner strength and wouldnt let myself faint. so yeaa, basically everyone else got panicked and insisted on me being brought to the E.U.
i got a shot for my nausea. so apparently, my blood pressure dropped and i had a maag. thank GOD, i didnt need to be hospitalized. after the shot, i was allowed to get back home. my dearest marlina and patrice accompanied me during the nite. i managed to sleep well that nite(:
todaaay. i had a tutorial at campus. from 07am to 04pm. i managed to stay still yaaay!(x tho everyone kinda freaked out seeing me all pale and stuffs, but i made it! hhas

one last thing.
i just want to put this out so i can feel relieved after all this time.. *not entirely, but at least in a way.

i acknowledge that i had made a controversial decision. it was like i bargained a friend for something that, some people at least, consider as inappropriate.

well, i could only say this. i wouldn't say yes in the first place, if i didn't feel sure enough about my feeling. and about that person.

people can think of me as a heartless person, and i won't try to correct them. they have every right to think whatever they want to think. and i won't beg for understandings.

i acknowledge i might have wronged some people. i might have hurt some people. i just wanna share, i DO feel just as hurt to do so. i am sorry, i really am. i never meant to hurt anyone, it was never my intention. they won't know how many sleepless, tearful nights i spent -torn between two worlds, two choices, two lives. even from the very beginning.

but in the end, i did decide. afterall, life is about choices, isn't it? and i chose to take a risk to make some mistake here and there. but that was because i was sure enough. i was sure enough to willingly agree to maybe one day, have a share of regret in this life. but we won't know for sure until we try.

and yes, yet i am still sure.

about this.
this thing we share,
this thing we cherish,
this thing we hold most dear.

it never means i love my friends less. i think, a heart is not like a room with a limited space. rather, it's more like a sky. to have more people to love on the list doesn't mean the space for the others should decease. in fact, it even becomes greater... for the space becomes wider... and wider... and wider...

i wish to soar on that sky, to be a little sparrow discovering every edge of it.. colouring it a bit with my presence, hopefully to bring love to those in need.

at last,
i love YOU.
ALL of you. (:

Godbless you, people..
sleep well for now.
niteeees.:DD

Labels: justmylife

a brand new life - part 02

25.8.10 || 9:26:00 PM

back again! : p
continuing from where we left off last time, yeaa so i moved to bandung on july 31st. im staying in bukit indah 21, some kinda hostel near the campus. *you know i'm attending parahyangan catholic university, majoring international relations, rite?? hhas : p
and you OUGHTA know. the hostel - is - located - down, and i mean real DOWN there, a slope. so i gotta go climb for about 10mins to get to campus. HAHA my calves are gettin humongous, i suppose. but anywayyy, here's a glimpse of my small room ... :DD

look at the books! and you haven't seen them ALL : p

small dog on the head: tabblet (tabby)
bigger dog: fluffy
reindeer / doe : unknown yet

yeppp. that's my room, k2. pretty cozy, just the slightest bit messy. : p come visit me!
and here's a pic of my file binder. i made the cover myself.. a list of my fave things was written there, along with the pics of my beloved ones!(x

those who've seen the binder said they loved it... well, i couldn't help but agree since it's full of my fave things and beloved ones! : p

living in bandung alone doesn't mean that im lonely. NOPE. cos thank God, i made six super friends here *two of them are also from sanur bsd. (x

at punclut:
patrice (international relations) - acha (international relations) -
marlina (developing economics) - jessica (chemical engineering) -
siska (industrial engineering) - feli (civil engineering) - feren (industrial engineering)

yeaap. those are my supergirls here : p we've been wandering everywhere around bandung. starting from cihampelas walk (ciwalk), paris van java (pvj), bandung indah plaza (bip), punclut (top of ciumbuleuit), st.laurensius church sukajadi, tangkuban perahu, kampung gajah... etc etc etc! hhas we had sooo much fun. here are some pics of us, and of course, with some extra friends and seniors who also hang with us quite a lot. (;

tangkuban perahu

ciwalk

BIP

siska's room

saung kummara

paris van java

jessica's room

kampung gajah

we've shared lots and lots of thoughts, jokes, laughters, sad and happy stories, even tears! jessica and marlina with their own share of regrets and broken-hearts -and thank God, how they overcome their problems and move on! (; how we share our misery, our excitement... stories of exhaustion, and sometimes of resentment.. we share infos about college - the professors, the classmates, the activities..
i'd also love to thank my lovely seniors, ci nike and febe, for they are my angels! they're the ones who lend me the books i need so tht i can save my money for better purpose *yaaay (x HAHA they're the ones who cheer me up, who encourage me to try things i dared not or i doubted to.. THANKS THANKS THANKS! (:
but my new life.. it isn't all wonderful and glittering like it seems.
i also faced some problems.
some difficulties.
and to be honest...
there were even times when i felt kinda depressed.

...to be continued.

Labels: justmylife

a brand new life - part 01

23.8.10 || 10:23:00 AM

helloooooow, world! :DD
gosh, hasn't it been just TOO long?? hhas

well.. a lot has happened since the last time i wrote here.
and when i said 'a lot', it means A LOT. : p
well, i feel obliged to tell you some of the reasons why, which are:
1. i got no inet connections for one month and a half or so,
2. i dont feel comfortable to write some things up.
well, there were some considerations i needed to go thru, but after all, hey i made it back! *wink

soooo.. a quick review then. and since pictures worth a thousand words, i will mostly flood you wif pics HAHA.

may 17th, 2010
ST. URSULA BSD HIGH 2010 - GRADUATION DAY AND PROM NIGHT
theme: life is a challenge
dresscode: classic hollywood

MC: ernest, rangga (sanur high '08)

acha - nana - ita - adelia

monik - acha- maya - chin

and my class, XII IPA 3 (XII science prog.3), performed some kinda broadway performance. you know, an act with dances and songs.. it was coreographed by me and bhowo. i happened to be the leading lady, while silas is the leading guy hhas and thankkkk God, we rocked that nite yaay :DD here are some pics:

acha & silas - our duet dance

closing dance

main dancers:
nathan - rei - bhowo - yoseph - adit (oenpao)
nia - elana - meika - grace - kania
acha - silas

other classes also performed, and they rocked the boat too just as great! :DD
it was an unforgettable nite indeed.. and one last thing to tell,

at the very last minute of the prom nite, a guy got up on stage and, in front of everyone, said that he liked me. well, you can imagine i was panicking, my face blushed and all. and when he asked me to be his girlfriend, i replied by asking to talk about this privately.
well, i wont get thru all the details, but after some considerations, some dilemmas, etc etc etc... well.. i said yes. (: why? cause even though it happened to later bring some complications into my life, i was sure that he's worth to be fought for. my feeling, well our feelings, are also worth to be fought for. (:

he left to germany in term of studying classical piano *his major, on june 1st. before he left, he left me a puppy of goldenretriever breed. her name is dipsy and i lurv her lots lots lots! (x

*sigh, it's been almost three months that he's been gone and.. well, i cant lie, i miss him like crazy.

ANYWAY. moving on. hhas

hmmm after he left, i got accepted to part-time in st.ursula library. they were autocomputerizing the system and they hired some of the alumnis. i worked for... what, three weeks probably? got Rp 75k / day *all well-spent. HAHA : p got great experience working there. learning to work profesionally, i got to wear work-suits everyday, do everyday-job like cataloguing books, labelling them, putting datas into the computers... wow, i miss working there! hhas besides, i got cool colleagues too there. it was so MUCH fun! : p

life kept going on.. i handed over my position as the secretary for Legio Mariae Junior and Youth as my time in BSD City is running out.. i moved to Bandung to continue on a higher education on July 31st, 2010. (:

... to be continued.

Labels: justmylife