Doodleyscratch

MOVED

2011-09-16T09:22:00.002+07:00

Since 2008, Doodleyscratch has been a loyal friend to me. It was always ready to contain my stories, it was the only one that listened without judging me.

However, I believe that in life, we have to make progress.
We need to be always in journey to find the true self; we need improvements as well.
Therefore, I am planning on to make a more serious maintenance of my blog.
As part of a bigger plan in mind, I hereby changed my domain to:

Marsha-Go-Round
Here (I hope) you will find my future blog somewhat more organized.

So, remember:

Please do pay a visit to my new blog, and click on the image above! :D

See you on "the other side", Doodleyscratch...
Thanks a lot for all these years. (':

Chinese Astrology

2011-09-06T21:15:00.002+07:00

According to Chinese Astrology, I have goat as my sign. It's true that I was born in 1992 (year of monkey), but it was before the Chinese New Year, so I still got goat. (;

Just for fun, I'll post a read of my personality through the goats in general (which I think is pretty accurate about me! :p)

"Caring, thoughtful, and responsible. Always look to make it right. Handle ups and downs well. Trustworthy and gentle. Avoid unnecessary conflicts, and get nervous on unforeseen situations. Enjoy life and are able to see pleasure in things most don't. Have a powerful imagination. A lavish lover. Don't ask for love but deep inside need lots of love and care."

hhas it's (relatively) so me. Especially those in bold. :p

think good thoughts

2011-09-03T11:19:00.000+07:00

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,

Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,

That's how I want to be

I'm not saying that it's easy,

Especially when I'm moody,

I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,

Oh and you use them, you regret them,

Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,

I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts

being born a natural over-sensitive, I often let myself be defined by my emotion. watching sad movies (or even happy-ending movies, mind you!), listening to touching music, seeing happy old couple... yes, even simple stuffs like that.

be it sadness, joy, agony, anger, hurt; my emotion comes first. true that I don't always show them, especially the sad and painful, to just about everyone. the heroic reason behind this, of course, is to make sure that people don't have to worry about me. that I don't want to burden people's mind, or steal their precious time. the side reason, in the meanwhile, is that sometimes, owning up weaknesses make them more inevitable. with all these in mind, I am reserved to keep almost everything to myself (and few others with special privilege to some parts of my heart).

I do not want to be weak by showing that I am in pain, or something is bugging me. but instead, by keeping all the negativity inside myself, it weakens me from deep within. and the loved ones closest to me, often get their 'parts' from this over-emotional me. my mother, mbok, my boyfriend, sometimes my soul sister. sometimes they just get a light silence from emotional-me-level-1. sometimes, when the emotional-me-level-2 shows up, they get cold answers. but on the rare occasion when emotional-me-level-XXX shows up (not to mention when the 'monthly-guest' shows up in the same time), they can get completely irrational behavior from me. be it harsh talk, angry outburst, unexpected tears.

like what's been said in the song, 'words can be like weapons'. when I am surrounded with negativity, I can use words without thinking. not necessarily cursing words like 'sh*t' or 'f*ck'. just regular vocabulary, but with 'admirable' accuracy and acuity, accompanied with 'admirably' acute tone, that's able to hurt someone. yes, words I cannot take back. words and tones I can only regret right afterwards. for the shortest of moments it feels satisfying, to launch those knife-sharp words. it humors the anger inside me. it feeds the negativity inside me. at the cost of hurting my loved ones. I have made my mother cried when we had this huge fight back then, you see.

have you ever felt such things? have you ever experienced that yourself?

I think everyone has, at least once. or if you have not, you probably will. (or maybe that's just something I come up with to comfort myself).

Well, the song above (Think Good Thoughts by Colbie Caillat) holds the answer. especially to me. every time I feel negativity creeps in, I always try to think good thoughts. when those evil words and tones crawl up to my head, ready to launch, I shut my lips tight and think happy thoughts. silence is better at times like this. it serves the time needed to resort my thoughts.

It is not easy, I assure you. but what's life, without the journey to find the true self? The true self with unlimited potentials, unlimited good's, ready to unleash. I may fail here and there. I may fall down. I may lose the battle once or twice. but (hopefully I'll always remember this), I will not stop. I will not let negativity takes the better of me (especially at the cost of hurting my loved ones).

I will think good thoughts.

I'm not saying that it's easy,

Especially when I'm moody,

I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,

Oh and you use them, you regret them,

Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

hey, soul sisters!

2011-09-01T00:00:00.012+07:00

hi, everyone! :D I want you to meet someone.

tadaaaa! her name is Amanda.

she is one of the very first friends I made in junior high.

we've been best friends for about 7 years now.

she's one of the very few people who have access to almost everything in my heart.

to her I can be honest, and so can she to me.

in sufferings, she's one of the very few people who I can seek for consolations

without having to antagonize my pride.

we are quite alike in many things. sometimes it even still surprises me how we can be so alike.

for example, we are both hardcore potterheads.

I still haven't found anyone like her who I can talk to about Harry Potter, the way we talk about it.

we also have passion for fashion.

well, we're not actually fashion people,

but we really, really enjoy it (penikmat, cenderung bukan pelaku).

and this is something we both never really talk about to anyone else.

another thing we find ourselves alike in, is music.

we both used to play piano (although of course she's way better than me),

and can miss it more than anything.

we both hate to see our instruments left behind, untouched, and finally become obsolete.

we think of our instruments as friends. old friends.

and thinking about leaving them, or they're sitting still without us playing them,

can bring tears to our eyes. (silly, eh? but that's us! :p)

we also have similar taste for music.

for example, classical music, oldies, jazz, disneys.. hhas

we happen to love books. and we have similar taste for them.

we both love dreaming, and pretty much everything magical!

of course we are also different in many aspects.

for instance, physically, she's tall and slender, while I'm more like a mini person.

she also loves foods and find herself hungry almost all the time,

while I don't really like food (though I enjoy gastronomy) and find myself NOT hungry almost all the time.

and many other examples.

in short, I find her like a sister I never had.

we are alike in so many things, but we are also different in so many ways.

that makes each one of the two of us really unique, but 'complementary'.

I know she's having quite a rough time these days.

but, like she believes in me, I also believe that she will get through this.

she will come out a winner. we will BOTH come out winners.

so, semangaaaaaaaaaaat!

belajarlah dengan gembira. know in your heart that this will get you further in life.

and we will, someday, travel all around the world together (;

keep that beautiful smile of yours; you know you can call me whenever your sky is about to fall.

I will come right beside you and hold your sky with you :D

I love you, 'soul sister', Amanda!

God bless us all! :D

baby, it's cold outside

2011-08-31T10:50:00.003+07:00

I really heart this!
thanks, Amanda, for showing me this! (x

PS. I've been having troubles posting new entries.
yeaah, I know. it pissed me off as well.
but, please be patient for new posts, 'aight? (;
I really am trying to be more frequent in posting things.

PPS. Eid Mubarak to everyone who celebrates!

panda panda

2011-08-16T10:54:00.005+07:00

i'm watching pandas on animal planet.
graaa, CUTENESS!
one named mao-mao is giving birth right now.
ooooh there the baby comes!
eh they said there's something wrong with the baby. oh noooo (°△°||)

save it! please...
nyaaaaaaaa my heart is racing.
i feel like her husband щ(ºДºщ)

ah yaaaay, it's saved! (x

ahh pandaaaa why u so cuteeeee.

yes, yes.. there, there.. sleep well now, fluffiness.

Messy Business

2011-08-13T20:23:00.000+07:00

We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.

-Henry Bromel,1991

The Maria's Daughters Garage Sale - SUCCESS!

2011-08-01T20:11:00.011+07:00

Hey there, people!
I'm baaack :D
And with a more cheerful post, absolutely.
Enough stress in this world already.

Tonight, I'm gonna tell you guys about the garage sale my best friends and I threw.
It's called 'The Maria's Daughters' Garage Sale'.
Curious why?
First, meet the Maria's Daughters.

maya-monik-marsha (triple M :p)

We are three girls who've become best friends since junior high school, and happen to have (our own) mothers, who share the same name: 'Maria'.
So there goes our name: The Maria's Daughters. :D
Oh, and a lot of people think that we're practically real sisters because (they say) we look so alike. especially with our (petite) body figures who are just about the same.

We decided to throw a garage sale, in the first place because of my college tuition issue.
These two amazing girls have been soo amazingly kind. They're both having their holidays and they find the time to help me figuring that out.

Here are some pics of the three days garage sale! (;

And, all in all, it went pretty well.
Some of the money we collected will be going to my college tuition, and that's all because of the Maria's Daughters!
So, thanks, thanks, thanks, to you, Monik and Maya.
I can never thank you enough *hugsssss*
And also thanks to those who have come and helped as well: Jessica F., Gavin, Adelia C., Inez A., and those I cannot name one by one.

I'm eternally thankful!
May God always bless you all.. (':

ignore

2011-08-01T19:35:00.000+07:00

just ignore the previous post.
oh God, it's so lame. o.O

untitled

2011-08-01T00:24:00.002+07:00

there are many kinds of interactions and relationships between people.
as someone who gets to listen to a lot of stories on it, and as someone who's on the ride herself, there are so much to learn.

for instance, from sharing with one of my close girl friend, i found out that i'm not the only one who sometimes feels insecure about myself and my relationship. a friend of mine told me that she is in the process of improving her relationship with her boyfriend. she is trying to be less jealousy when her boyfriend hangs out with his close friends, some of which are girls. she's been struggling, because she loves her boyfriend so much that she plucks up her courage to confront herself, to admit that she is jealousy, and try to control her attitude towards it.

as for me, i experience quite a similar experience, but quite different.
on one hand, i'm not a jealousy type. i don't mind my boyfriend hanging out with his friends. sometimes i do feel left out when he forgets to text me, or reply my text msgs. but other than that, i have no problem at all.
but, on the other hand, a few times i found out that this or that girl has fallen for my boyfriend. a few times i feel put aside as my boyfriend spends time with his other close friends, some of which are girls, especially when i know something is up from the other side. and even worse, when i have to read things i'd rather not know on twitter.

but, no matter how afraid or worried i can be, i have never told him, and will never ever tell him, not to hang out with his friends. it's just not my thing. i'm trying my best not to let my fear controls me. rather, i want me to control my attitude.
yes, sometimes a selfish part of me wants to keep my boyfriend only for me, so that he would be safe from those who want to take him away from me. but every time that horrible thought appears, luckily, the better part of me always wins.

the thing is, i love him. so much that what I care the most is his happiness.
the thing is, he is such an amazing man that it would be a sin to keep him away from the world.
the thing is, he's sooo amazing that the world's got to see his light.
I want him to fly high, to rise, to soar; while praying and hoping that he will still remember to come home to me.
but, realizing these things doesn't necessarily mean that my fear completely disappears.
i still fear the possibility that he can someday walk away. that i can someday walk away.

however,
being with him helps me to expand my heart.
to make sure that it is big enough, and brave enough, and trusting enough, to let him soar high and believe that he'll come home to me.
to make sure that it is big enough, and brave enough, and trusting enough, to really know that i love him, and he loves me - just like what he always reminds me when sometimes i get my anxiety attack (i actually don't let him know about me worrying this, but it seems that we can read each other's mind and emotion - so, no point in hiding anything, actually).

previously this night, i had my anxiety attack.
i felt left out because he was suddenly missing without even a warning while i knew that he was spending time with his friends and a particular person i'm often afraid about. this happened just by the time i have a fever and three of my best friends came to me to share their problems.

from one perspective, i'm glad they came to me. they really helped me to be stronger. for them, i pushed myself to be strong. yes, for these people that i love. and in the end, i did become stronger.

it's true, what people say, that sparing time to help people when you're having your own problem can help you become stronger.
it's true what people say, that when smiling and being strong for yourself is almost impossible, it's always easier to smile and be strong for others you love.

by listening to the stories of three of my best friends, accompanying them, assuring them that they'll be fine, that they have me to share their burden with, especially this one bestest friend of mine, i managed to keep my sanity and emotion checked. that way, i can remember that what matters most is that he's happy and i believe in him.

i know my post tonight is most likely incoherent, and that my grammar is probably awful, and that the vocabs might be dull. i can't think right, i feel really cold while i'm actually feverish. i feel light headed and horribly weak. i just need to write to channel my thoughts.

oh God, this is getting nowhere hhas

ANYWAYYY.
to my best friend M, i'm terribly sorry for your loss. i'm sure she's happy now beside our Heavenly Father. :* be strong.. *hugss*
to my best friend J, don't worry too much, dear. you have nothing to fear. believe me. have faith, and you'll be all right. *hugssss* you know you can text me whenever you need distraction, right? (;
and last but not least, to my best friend A, my sister from another mother; you will be fine. i know you're not right now (denial just hurts even more), but you will be. and remember, always remember, you have me to share your burden with. i'm there with you. and remember your promise to me! 'belajar dgn gembira!', knowingly that it will take you further in life. (;

gosh, i have no idea what the focus of this post is.
all i know for now is i want a good sleep tonight. *sniff up my runny-nose, curl under my blanket*
thank you.

crybaby

2011-07-29T22:39:00.003+07:00

I just realized that for a 19 y.o., I'm quite a cry baby!
Lately I cry quite easily, and quite often too.
Meh.

a surprise and an unpcoming garage sale!

2011-07-27T13:54:00.004+07:00

hi, everyone! :D we meet again.
today i'm gonna tell you just a liiiittle bit about a surprise i gave Y for his birthday yesterday (26.07.11).

as you might have noticed, the last three days i've been posting different pics for this occasion. and also, i've been busy preparing everything for that special day.

i got him four presents, with different meanings.
three of them act as roots and tops:
1. a frame with pictures of his family, with an inscription that said 'Family'.
2. a mug with a shape of a fat grandmother; this is a symbol of me (a nickname between me and him: i am nenek / grandmother, and he is kakek / grandfather).

3. a custom-made binder i made for him to use in college. the front cover consisted of motivational quotes, the back cover had a 'that's all' picture, and on the inside, there are a few pages consisting of various pics of me and him, his friends from junior high and high school, and also of course his family. this is a symbol of education, hard work, success, with the people who will support him in achieving them.

these roots/tops symbolize three things that had supported him. and hopefully, he would not forget his roots. (: while on the same time, they also symbolize 'the top': the success to achieve and to whom his achievements would mean so much.

and the last of the four acts as a fertilizer. the fourth gift are sheets for his bed in the dorm (for college). hopefully this will make the growing process there easier. (:

i also made him a home-made pudding cake. this is a new recipe i made especially for him, because he likes sour and sweet foods. i called it: Strawberry Yogurt Creme Pudding. (x hhas

so on D-Day, about 08.30 AM i got on a cab, aboard (:p) to his house in Gading Serpong.
i didn't tell him i was coming. we just had normal conversation via SMS.

when i got to his house, i asked (politely, of course) to the cab driver if he had a cellphone. i explained to the nice man that i was giving a surprise to someone, and i needed to text him from a different number (pretending to be a man from Maryland Gifts and Cakes that wanted to drop off some packages for him).

but unfortunately, the cab driver forgot to bring his cellphone with him that day, so i had to find a cellular center that sold new numbers.

with the new number installed, i started to text him, and even asked the cab driver to talk on the phone with him. apparently, Y didn't seem to sniff that something was wrong. :p

so Y asked me (though he did not know it was me) to come to his music school instead, and we did so. (the cab driver was proven to be a really kind co-conspirator :p)

we waited for Y to arrive at the music school for about half an hour and then his text msg arrived. he had touched down.

and so i paid the cab driver, gave him a tip, said thousands of thanks, and brought the cake and the gifts to the venue.

the rest of the story is rather clear. Y seemed really surprise and didn't know what to say hhas pinky (the administrator of the music shool) and his mom cheered for him. and we had the rest of the day together happily. after spending the whole day together, Y brought me home (my home, to be precise) and spent a few hours with me and my family. :'D

okay i am experiencing some kinda loss of words hhas i think some things are just too good that they can only be lived on, not written about. :p or maybe it's just me who's not that good a writer hhas

yeaaah in short we had a really great day together.
and i feel really touched and happy that it made him happy as well, that it meant just as much to him (x
this was posted as his FB status:
"thx all for the wishes! esp 'Achaa' Marsha XXX yang ud seharian nemenin dari jm 9 pagi lbh smp jm 9 mlm lebih sm2.. (x trimakasih buat pura2 jadi supir taksi, buat cake yoghurt buatannya ny yang enak (wlpun dia ga pernah masak hehe), dan buat hadiah nya foto mug binder seprai! you should have worked so much on it.. thanks1000x acha. really appreciate it.. (: i love you girlfriend!"

:'D happy 19th birthday, Y !

PS. i'm finally doing something about my college tuition.
my friends and i will be throwing a garage sale from this thurs to saturday! here's the poster.

please do visit, we'll be thrilled to have you! (x

till we meet again!
may the force be with you! Godbless (:

D-Day!

2011-07-26T00:00:00.020+07:00

HAPPY B'DAY KECOAKMAN!
Hippsy Blastday my dearest Yoseph Neil Sanmikha :*

"I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big..."
-Song: My Wish by Rascal Flatts

i'll give my OWN wishes to you directly.
but on this very page, let me just say,
hippsy blastday, sweetheart.
may you always be blessed and be a blessing.
i'm proud of you, always have been and always will be.
i love you (:

D-1

2011-07-25T00:00:00.000+07:00

D-2

2011-07-24T00:00:00.000+07:00

D-3

2011-07-23T00:00:00.002+07:00

this is me

2011-07-21T01:34:00.005+07:00

i am me.
i love morning sunlight and blue skies.
i love shape-guessing clouds, i love stargazing.
i am really afraid of ghosts. and unfortunately in this case, i am highly imaginative - i can become a tad bit oversensitive to sounds, and start imagining shadows and things; especially after watching horror movies.

i am very random.
i overthink things.
i love pink and yellow and fuchsia and purple.
i REALLY love ice cream, especially cookies and cream.
i love french fries and chicken nugget.
i hate fatty, springy foods such as pork.

i often refer my life situation to those in dramas.

i really love daydreaming and imagining things.
i want to try to live in a flower, under the sea, underground, in a hollow tree, in an anthill, in the outer space, in an igloo.

i like to sing and dance in the bathroom.
well, actually i like to sing and dance just about everywhere.
i like to play and sing with my hairdryer - put it in front of my face and it will have two different functions: a microphone and a blower. presto, i'm at my own concert.

i like having some me-time. i even need it.
i like talking to myself. mostly in english.
i love reading and picturing what i read.

i really like giving out hugs to people. i think hugs are one of the most precious gifts you can give to someone. it makes you (or me, at the very least) feel warm, safe... and wanted. and loved.
i am a tad bit over-emotional. i cry reading a good book, i cry watching a good movie, i even started to cry when my boyfriend's grandma started talking about eating dogs. oh and i even couldn't help crying when my boyfriend refused to stop tickling me. well...

i love animals, especially the fluffy ones like penguins, polar bears, hippo...
i especially love dogs. oh, and elephants for their kind eyes.

i like inventing and playing with funny sounds such as munyu, ponyo, nyuu, nyaa, haiyanya etc. i can be obsessed with them for some times and then switch to the new ones.

i love wearing classic clothes.
i love swings, and snow domes, and music boxes.

i really love christmas.
i also like holy month Ramadhan (i am not a Moslem, but i really like the atmosphere of holy month Ramadhan).
i love opening up presents, but will be extra careful not to rip them wrappings. it will break my heart if i accidentally rip the cute ones.

i love watching random people. i love guessing what's on their mind, what's going on in their life, how it feels like to be them. sometimes i even forget how rude it is to stare.
i really love listening to people's story. i'd rather listen to a hundred stories than to tell my own story.
i am naturally quite introvert. the more attached i am to someone, the more open and childish i can be with them. that's because i'm letting my guards down.

i really hate it when i hurt people, both intentionally and unintentionally.
when i really love someone, i can love them so much that it comes to the point where all that matters is their happiness. where i feel like i would do anything, even sacrifice my own happiness, if that makes them happy.
it takes me really long to learn to say 'no' to people.

i love being cuddled.
i love being carried. i sometimes like being fed. :p
i still love balloons and making bubbles.
i still enjoy naming things; even the balloons i got from pizza hut. (i named them Jose Orenho and Yellow Band).

i can't live without emoticons. i always use them to make things less serious or scary. and the consequences? well, sometimes if i get text messages from people without emoticons, i will think that they are angry or bored with me.

i'm really awkward meeting new people, but most of the time i push myself to 'man-up' and give them a big grin. i pretend to be confident and i end up that way.

i really love giving praises. i really do. sometimes people think that i'm just doing that as an act of ass-kissing. or formality. or out of pity. well..? whatever. i really love giving them for the sake of praises itself. nothing else. i just find a healthy dose of praises never hurts.

i like 'collecting' quotes. and using them as references in situations.
i can't lie that i tend to care about what people think about me. it really hurts my feelings when i find out that someone's actually thinking bad of me.
i can be really superstitious. i believe that saying negative words, or telling good news that i'm not sure of yet, would jinx it.

i am ALL about marriage. i love imagining about it. enough said. :p

i always try to build connection and maintain communication with myself. to discover more about myself, to learn more, to improve, to understand, to love.

i love oldies music. i like jazz, i like blues, i like bossa nova, i like old pop.. and i think that louis armstrong's voice is the definition of 'delicious'.
it really means a lot to me when my mom said things like 'you're really are your dad's daughter. you have just his sense of music / way of thinking / etc..' as simple as they may be, they still mean a lot. it makes me feel a bit closer to him. (that's why i can also relate to harry potter, hanging to those moments when people tell him 'he has his mother's eyes' or 'he looks just like his father')

when almost every other girl is crazy about chocolate, well, i'm not so into it. i love ice cream better.

i love shopping and buying things for other people. it really is more satisfying.

i think, sometimes my motto can get up to the notch of 'perfect or nothing'. i have to be good at the thing i'm working in, or nothing at all. that's why sometimes i demand so high a standard from myself.

i still love barbie. and dolls. and stuffed animals.
when i am waiting for someone and i don't want to look stupid, i pretend to be busy telephoning people. (while the truth is i have no credit left to make a phone call). now you know.
when i am suspicious about something you do, or when i feel unhappy about your wrong-doing, i will give you a (suspicious/threatening) squint.

i loooove a hot shower. sometimes i pretend to be in a movie shoot, sitting on the floor of the bathroom, head down between my knees like crying, and let the water pour down on me. of course when i am in a deep agony i will do that for real as well.

when i was a kid, i wished to be a detective, a scientist, a vet...
i still secretly wish to try a 'hollywood life'. you know, how it's like to live in the limelight.
i still (insist on) believe(ing) that there's a magical world, like that in harry potter; that i will be able to visit it someday. oh and/or the magical world like in barbie movies.

i love collecting cinema tickets, memorable bus tickets, photographs, little notes from the past. memories.
i really don't want to live without the people i love: my family, my friends, Y, my dogs...
added on july 21st, 2011 at 01.20 PM: i just realized something. of course practically my dogs are not people. but they kinda are to me. (;

i have already named my kids. and planned what the house will look like. and how we (my future husband and i) will raise them.
i really want to work for humanity when i graduate.
i want to live a happy and fruitful life, with no regret on my deathbed...

now that is long. when i started this, i didn't expect it to come this far, sorry :p
well... i guess i am still this little girl who believes that her life is a fairy tale... or no, scratch that - rather, a good novel.
i believe my life will be like a good novel.
it will have an amazing story in it; not perfect - just... strangely familiar, and inspiring, and touching, and moving, to the hearts of those who read it.
and like every good novel, hopefully when it ends, those who've read it will feel they're losing a best friend. (: i hope.

grounded!

2011-07-16T09:54:00.002+07:00

' no more ice cream for you two, young ladies! you're GROUNDED!'

HAHA

a tribute to the boy who lived

2011-07-14T22:48:00.002+07:00

i've been meaning to post something about harry potter.
especially when the last 'the end' would be around really soon.
harry potter, both books and movies, have been accompanying me, since i was just this little kid, until now.
and boy, does it not thrill my heart any less.
inside, i'm still a child who believes in it, longing for it to be true, to enter the magical world of harry potter for real; who still checks if the cat in front of my dorm room is mcgonagall, checking up on me; or who still hopes for hagrid to come and tell me ive been accepted into Hogwarts.

hhas i can't write any longer.
like i said, i've been meaning to post something about harry potter for like sooo long.
but everytime i try to, tears just welling in my eyes and i can't go on hhas
so, i hope these pics below (i do not own them) will show how much i feel about harry potter.
this might be the end of an era, but this is never the end of the magic.
for it lives on, inside everyone of us, as long as we still believe.

yeah well.. but anyway...

thanks JK Rowling, for bringing that magical world into ours. (':

5 signs of spoiled dog and that you need cesar millan

2011-07-10T13:13:00.017+07:00

1)

she thinks it's appropriate to lie on the couch and occupy all the space so that YOU have nowhere to sit.

2)

and that's not all. she really thinks it's major fun to lie on the couch, not giving YOU any space to sit, AND dominate the telly!

3)

she thinks it's okay to chew and chew and chew her toy bone on the bed. yeah don't mind the saliva.

4)

she enjoys (not) watching you playing the sims 3 on your laptop, decides to sleep with her head on the desk, making it impossible to fold it when YOUR eyes have felt all watery and YOU need some sleep.

5)

she considers sleeping in your room, and yeah, in your bed, with your blanket and pillow, necessary. otherwise she would start protesting and no one could get to sleep. uh-huh, uh-huh.

but THAT is not all.
she also likes to sit on your lap, likes to be pet (and will actually nudge you if you stop), likes to be massaged, and when she's feeling like it, she would refuse to eat from her bowl by herself, but rather ask me (yeah, just me - not my mom or si mbok) to feed her with my hands or to hold her bowl. *rolling eyes.

hhas and yes, you just met my dearest prissy, fatty, baby girl dog (well no, she's not a baby - she's 1 yr and a half), DIPSY. (; hhas you're one lucky brat, i love you too much!

on the other note, let me post some pics of my holiday. :DD

these are the pics when my friends and i went to Sebastian's Coffee Shop (a cafe owned by my friend, Caesa) on June 25th.
1) i love them, like, a lot!
2) stoopid face :p
3) sulky face! (manyun, manyun)
4) just me making cute face HAHA
5) saranghaeyo! (btw those are stitch's paws, a late birthday present from us to monik - aren't they cute!)
6) making davin's dream come true: chinese mafia got some booties uh-huh, uh-huh
7) souvenirs from caesa for us! she went to Disneyland Hongkong and got us some uber cute key chains (x
8) my EPIC FAIL sensual face. GRAAAAA they all make fun of me for this. can you believe it???! *sure you can -.-"
hhas anyway i had a great, great day with you guys! me love you much!
(*･∀･)／♡＼(･∀･*)

these are the pics when Y and I went to Mall Taman Anggrek! :DD
1) woohooo! ice skating! this was the first time for Y and he looked uber cute when he teetered around the rink! (x although sometimes it got scary when he grabbed me to avoid falling down. :p
2) he looked so happy when eating yeaa? :p
3) the Strawberry-Taro Mint Frozen Yoghurt with Fresh Strawberry, Kiwi, Mango, and Nata de Coco from Sour Sally that I bought him cause he said he wanted something fresh :p and a lil love note on the tissue along with it (*^^*)
4) waiting for taxi home :DD
i had a great, no, amazing, no, SUPER amazing day that day, thanks sayanggg.. (う˘▿˘)ε˘と)

hhas i guess that's all from me for now :DD
i'll see you again soon!
have a great holiday / good luck for exams / some fun at work / etc. etc. etc. you! hhas
LOTTA LOTTA LOTTA LOVE :*

ponyo!

2011-07-05T22:01:00.005+07:00

I've finally found what i wanna name Ponyo!

It's been driving me crazy for some times now hhas

But i was chatting with Y and Amanda D.W. and it just hit me.

This name, Ponyo, belongs to nothing but a penguin!

A cute, fluffy baby Emperor penguin. (x

So... problem solved! (;

We're only one baby Emperor penguin away to actually apply the solution. :p hhas

see how cute it izzzzz???

"It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!"

- Agnes, Despicable Me

Now I just can't stop picturing having a baby Emperor penguin as my pet, waddling around behind me and making best friends with my dogs. lalalaaaa

PS. thanks, God. I looked to You after all my strength is gone, and You did help me through. I give thanks to Thee for my fear is now gone. (':

I Look to You

2011-07-04T08:52:00.002+07:00

As I lay me down

Heaven hear me now

I'm lost without a cause

After giving it my all

Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun

After all that I've been through

Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You

Have to lose my breath

There's no fighting left

Sinking to rise no more

Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken

Led to my regret

And I don't know if I'm go'n make it

Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You

My levees are broken

My walls are coming down on me

My rain is falling

Defeat is calling

I need You to set me free

Take me far away from the battle

I need You

Shine on me!

I look to You,

I look to You

After all my strength is gone

In You I can be strong

I look to You,

I look to You

And when melodies are gone

In You I hear a song

I look to You...

memories

2011-07-01T13:52:00.001+07:00

source: http://neilslorance.wordpress.com/2010/06/11/blurry-photos-of-things-still-to-come/

update update!

2011-06-30T10:53:00.010+07:00

hello people!

it's time for a little fun, insignificant* post!

woohooo! :DD

*btw lucu deh, masa aku iseng buka google translate tentang insignificant, salah satu artiny ada yang 'bersifat tempe' HAHA

anywaaaay, i just wanna post a little update on me!

1. i'm enjoying dancing 'gee' by SNSD (yet again) *woot woot *jellyfish dance

maybe someday i'll post the video of me dancing it, but maybe, just maybe. hhas

2. i'm currently REALLY fond of the sound 'ponyo', 'munya-munya', and 'nyip-nyip'.

now i'm using 'nyip-nyip' as a pet name for my doggie, dipsy, while i'm still confused about 'ponyo'. i wanna name my laptop 'ponyo', but it has already been named 'zafira' (from sapphire) because it's elegant blue. i wanna name my cellphone 'ponyo', but it's elegant red and Y said 'ponyo' just won't do.

soooo... ): i'm still clueless as to what i shall name 'ponyo'. any idea, guys??

3. i'm currently craving McDonald's french fries and McFlurry choco milo! gargh it's addictive.

4. my mood is currently extremely high because yesterday Y came and saved me from the evil of boredom. hooorraaaay!

we had an imaginary date in my room: lying in bed and acting like we were stargazing (at the ceiling, yeah right hhas), lying in bed and acting like we were riding a bicycle (actually, he insisted to ride a Vespa while i rode bicycle - and we really paddled with our legs up in the air and our back straight in bed!), and also (still) lying in bed and acting like we were running on the beach. HAHA silly, i know. but i just looooveeee that game (x *i don't know about him though HAHA

5. i'm currently playing the role of cinderella at home, and also work as my mother's secretary. not that i complain (at least, not too much (x hhas)

and last but not least...

Quote of the day:

Just remember. Anyone before me was mistake, and anyone after me will be downgrade.

via http://twitter.com/cyceicy

HAHA kinda scary *lirik Y, but funny. hhas kidding (x

sooo..

all in all, i'm having a pretty good time.

hope you too *winkk.

smell y'all later!

PS. i'm serious about HAVING TO name something 'ponyo'. so if you guys have any idea what i should name 'ponyo', you call me!

Untitled

2011-06-26T09:17:00.007+07:00

I think to be in love means breaking down your walls, surrendering a part of your heart, and having the courage to show your weaknesses to the other person; your partner should not judge you but instead they become your support system that helps strengthen you when you’re allowing a part of yourself to be open. Being in love is supposed to be gut-wrenching and heart-stopping in a beautiful kind of way. Love is supposed to make you go crazy and you should be able to view life in a much grander scale. The sky’s supposed to be brighter and the flowers should bloom even more. I think a person should see even more beauty of life when they’re in love.

-Cantika P.

that quote is just beautiful.

i quoted it from a senior who is really great at writing. and it's just beautiful.

to me, it happens to be true.

i've spent almost my entire life building walls, hiding pain, keeping story to myself.

i find it... 'unappealing' to show my weaknesses and make a fuss of something private.

i share only a little, and that too is only for certain closest people.

and even the closest people never get the full story. or what i truly feel about a certain issue.

when i feel really sad about something, and i happen to have or need to tell someone about it, i usually warn them in advance 'don't try to console me! don't say anything! do not comment!' in fear that if they do so, i might break down and cry my eyes out.

and that's what i try my best to avoid.

people say i'm a good listener: i don't push people to tell me what i wanna hear, but rather let them tell me what they wanna tell.

but when it comes to telling my own story?

nah. not my thing.

i just feel that i can't bother people with my stories and problems, they've got their own.

i'm the strong shoulder to cry on. i cannot, and i shouldn't, break down.

but as time goes by, and the burden starts to pile up on my shoulder, i find it harder to be so strong and be superhero myself.

and then this man came.

he showed me how stupid i am to put on a mask every time, and not letting even the closest ones know me.

*although he himself doesn't really like to tell his stories to people as well HAHA

but then just like that, we both learned to open up our selves.

he was really glad when i was willing to open a 'curhat' session with him, and vice versa.

we started to tell each other our stories; not only the 'haha-hihi' part of our selves, but also showing our weaknesses.

and along the way, we fell in love with each other.

i realized, when i've started to do this, there is no going back.

i've given him a part of me, sometimes it can be the most fragile one, knowingly that he can break it apart.

but i think, that's what it's all about.

if one wants to make a relationship works or moves into the next level, one needs to give him/herself to the partner.

of course, i personally think that in a relationship, still, there should be some parts of me i need to keep to myself. otherwise i might lose myself completely when *amitamit* things go awry and we need to go our separate way.

but nonetheless there needs to be some depth, some trust.

we need to have the courage to show our weaknesses, and to accept theirs as well as we accompany them, and support them along the way.

my significant other and i are in the process of learning this.

sometimes we are still unwilling to be seen weak in front of each other.

but event after event have shown that when we have enough courage to break down our walls and let the other one comes in, and more over understands, we discover something that makes our relationship stronger.

we see things a bit clearer, and everything seems to be even more beautiful.

so, Y, i know that we are both having our own problems now.

but as we always say to each other, we will always be together.

i'll be right there holding your hands as you'll be right here holding mine.

we'll support each other in our own battle. and we'll come out both winners.

be tough, kecoakman. (:

semangat semangaaaaaaat!

you will always be my supersuperhero.

i love you. ♥ :*

a disappointment

2011-06-20T22:01:00.006+07:00

well.. i just found out something rather disappointing.

i didn't get the scholarship.

so i applied for the 'foster parent scholarship program' in campus.

they would review our study report and our economic background.

one of the committee once said to me, 'you've got this amazing 4.0 GPA; if you didn't make it, it just means that there are others who need it more than you do.'

sigh.

right now i just can't understand which part of me that tells them 'she doesn't need it that bad.' i couldn't even pay for my tuition last semester, for God's sake. i had to borrow money from my church, and i haven't even been able to pay it back.

my mom is a single mother, working as a primary school teacher with less than 2millions earning per month. and i need to pay yet another semester tuition this july / august, which is about 7millions.

gosh i just need something to help me understand.

anything to help me make a sense out of it.

i kinda wanna scream, or cry, or even protest, or merely ask why. why?

but all i can manage to let out is solid silence. and a weak smile.

i just need some time to digest this.

a tribute to Amanda DW

2011-06-20T18:32:00.011+07:00

from thinking 'i can see flaws in myself that people cannot see', now i think 'people haven't seen all the goodness that i can see in me'.

-Amanda D.W.

first thing first, you really need to visit http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com .

it's my best friend's and it has reaaally great posts in it.

one of the inspiring story i found in it, you can find in http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-previous-struggle.html .

this particular post talks about her previous struggle with accepting who she was, about her feeling some kinda inferiority around her best friends (which includes me).

i was so moved when i read this post. not just because i am flattered that she thought so high of me (i'm not that charismatic, you see, honey, but what touches me the most is when you said i am a special person to you and like your personal diary), but most of all it's because i really feel that i can relate to this.

i am quite surprised to see that you - of all people, amanda; we are more alike than we thought - ever experienced what i was struggling with as well.

it is exactly what i thought back then, what am i really good at?

people say i'm smart, what with almost always getting first rank - but i never really see me as 'smart'. i'm not so good in math or physics, there are people who are better than me. i think i managed to rank first because i managed to get quite even marks for all the subjects, but nothing extraordinary, like this one particular field i'm really good at.

people say i'm talented with communication and public speaking, well... at some cases, yes. but i even find it hard to adapt or even find close friends in my college at first. so yeah, im not that charismatic. sometimes, other people get to be listened to more than me because somehow they are just way more attractive than i am. especially in my major, International Relations, there are people who debate, give speeches, or even talk in classes WAY better than i do. so no, i do not think that i stand out.

people say i dance really good, both traditional or modern one, but NO. i still need a lot of improvement. there are a lot who dance better than me. me? i just love dancing sooo much.

people say i am cute, and in some cases beautiful, but well it is occasionally, and i don't turn heads. nuh-uh. not me.

etc etc etc.

so you see, i found it hard to find something that i really stand out at (i do know how you feel, Amanda - i even used to feel that i was the inferior one; what with you and adel the smartest at math and physics and etc, nana the prettiest, ita the most popular, also with monik).

i couldn't help but thought i am soo ordinary, a mediocre.

but as i grew up, i also learn to accept me. to love me.

i may not be the most gifted person in the world, but i am gifted.

one thing that i believe in is that GOD doesn't make mistake.

when i start to feel good about myself, and especially with what's inside, the world will follow.

Amanda, this is for you and me:

I challenge the worst in me; compete with the best in me.

-Unknown

i've known this quote for a long time and have always loved this quote. but only after i read your post, Amanda, i really knew what it meant (or at least what it meant for me). it's as if the quote had long offered me the answer to my struggle, but i never really realized it.

you see, people tend to compare. that includes myself.

i often compare myself to those i think are much better than me - prettier, smarter, more popular, more talented etc.

but that is exactly the problem.

i only see bits of the picture.

for example, i compare myself to A, she is better than me at doing XYZ in high school.

but when i look at the bigger picture, if i continue the comparison...

A would go into college, majoring in what she does better than me. but in that particular major, there would be people who are better than A at XYZ as well. let's say it's B.

but when B goes to work in that field, there would be people who have been in there longer, and have done better. let's say it's C.

and when C goes into the international field, there would be D, E, or even F that are better than him/her at XYZ.

and the list goes on and on and on.

there would always, always be people who are better than us. we would never be satisfied if comparing is our answer to feeling good about our selves.

but rather, the quote above showed the answer.

it doesn't matter what others could've done better than you and me.

what really matters is that i know how good i am, i know my limit - best and worst of me, and i dare to challenge them. dare to break em.

i challenge the worst in me to be better, and i compete with the best in me to see that i can actually break the limit.

i am better than i was. i will be better than i am.

i think that's what matters. (:

combined with love and acceptance to myself, also not forgetting to be thankful of me and what i am, this will *i hope* eventually lead me to happiness.

so now whenever i feel insecure about who i am and what i can do compared to others, i will remember that quote.

yes, thanks to you, Amanda DW. (:

you are too a very, very special person to me.

to my eyes and heart, you are very beautiful - inside and out.

no fun to almost torture

2011-06-19T20:22:00.005+07:00

You should seriously be ashamed of yourself - you are no fun to interrogate or almost torture! -Sue Sylvester (to Artie)

URS Promnite 2011 - Royal Wedding UK

2011-06-19T14:12:00.014+07:00

hiiyaa there, folks! :DD

as you probably remember, i am a member of Unpar Radio Station (URS). i am one of the producers.

well last nite, the URS family had a prom nite for the seniors (7th batch) who will no longer be in the management, but instead will leave and go into the alumni body. the 8th and 9th batch were the prom nite committee, and i was a member of the event organizer division.

the theme this year was Royal Wedding UK (URS Kingdom). so everyone needs to dress as creative as possible to fit in the theme. i wore my old dress, dressing as the bridesmaid. my other friends dressed as the guests. but some seniors were dressed pretty much to the nines (x

kak uci, my fellow producer and one of the 'graduating' seniors, dressed as the bride to our surprise! and kak ihsan, announcer and also one of the 'graduating' seniors, dressed as the groom. other graduating seniors were dressed as knight, priest (yeah, priest!), lady, even victoria and david beckham hhas

beside being an event organizer division member, i was also one of the dancers in the cabaret.

have you ever heard of an indonesian girl band called '7 icons'?

yeah, you got that right. the one with the debut single 'playboy' HAHA

well, that was the dance we danced at the end of the cabaret. and thank God we managed to kick it well. yaaaay :DD

it was kinda intimidating when people were cheering for me but thank God thank God thank God i didn't forget any move *relieved sigh.

and... i am glad to tell you that the party was a success :DD yaaaay

everyone had crazy fun, they enjoyed the performances (band and cabaret) and the games, the food was total yum-yum, the slow dance worked quite well (for the couples at least HAHA, while others just having fun watchin and cheerin for em), the crazy dance floor was a hit, and everyone also loved the movie from the committee and the awards.

well another good news from me is...

i won the voting for 'best producer of the year' award!

it was a surprise for me cause i thought one of the seniors like kak nuy or kak uci would've got it. i just thought i hadn't quite deserved it. well the award was kinda a whip for me to work harder, especially since i was elected as chief producer for the upcoming academic year.

so... i promise i'm gonna work my best! :DD

here are some pics of the nite

the 'graduating' batch 7

the royal bride and groom : p (see how beautiful she was? kak uci, i heart you!)

the king, the prince, and the knight (can you guess which is who?)

david and victoria beckham (ehem ehem)

the cuteee 'waitresses' a.k.a. the 'food division'! : p hhas

the bride and her bridesmaid (me, me, me with the beautiful kak uci! : p )

some of the committee (:

with kak aldo and kak nisa!

novia and me - yin and yang! : p *do you notice?

and look at the gorgeous set: good job decor team! *the camera set actually flashed for real!

me and 'bapak penghulu' or the official who officiated people's marriages in indonesia : p btw is it just me... or do i look taller in this pic?? yaaaay *jellyfish dance.

added on june 20th: wait, just remembered i wore 7cms high heels. no wonder! *sigh

congratulations batch 7 seniors!

we love you..

URS - WE WORK, WE PLAY, WE ARE FAMILY!

beauty of life

2011-06-18T09:41:00.006+07:00

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

-Unknown

HAHA funny.

*wondering what's with the title? well, i actually intended to post a quote about beauty of life, but this quote creamed it. period.

i've learned that...

2011-06-15T11:41:00.009+07:00

You can't live your life for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. -Nicholas Sparks

Remember the previous post, when i told a story about 'the girl'?

well, most likely you can already guess that it was about me (;

today, i am not gonna post anything mellow-y.

instead... i'm gonna post something about... choice, and thanksgiving :DD

well, despite the enigma i've put myself into, there are things i've discovered along the winding road i chose.

First.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

and that applies for me as well.

i did choose 'love', and it had cost me one of my best friends.

i guess i've always known what was coming for me, but somehow somewhere, i kept that hope that she would eventually forgive me, that she would want to see me happy. i always said to my self, hey, if things were reversed, i knew that i would want that.

but that's that. knew - knowing. how could i know for sure that i too would be able to forgive so easily?

well as a matter of fact, this kinda thing happened to me when i was in primary school. i know, you will say 'puppy love *scoff*'. but it hurt me as well when my best friend hooked up with the boy i liked. however, i helped them hook up, and accept *although rather tearfully at first* that they were both happier together than if the three of us just walked around by our selves.

well guess i'll never know for sure how it felt to be my (former?) best friend. so i can't *and i won't* judge her, or even myself, because she as well would never know what it feels like to be me, and choosing what i chose right in my shoes.

i mean, i have a picture of the feeling, but i will never feel it exactly like she would. and vice versa.

so if i may be so bold, can i just say 'i'm really, really sorry that i have to hurt you in the process. i never intended to hurt you. but if i have to be really honest, i don't regret that i made this choice - to fight for my love. i just hope that one day you'll be able to let this go off your chest, and love, and live to the fullest again.'

Second.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

At first, i found it hard to forgive myself. i blamed my self for hurting her, for trampling on her hopes, and probably made it difficult for her to ever trust people again. During those days, i would 'punish' myself by looking at her facebook status *which talks about betrayal quite a lot* and mourn the truth that for once, i AM the bad guy. i let her hurt me through all that status because well, i thought i deserved that.

i didn't even listen to what my other best friends like jessi, amanda, ita, nana, monik, or caesa said that it was not really my fault. that i didn't 'snatch' anything from her. that it was a matter of love and heart, and so who was to blame but no one?

but then i read a few things about forgiveness. that i shouldn't let people hurt me. that it was only a shortcut to be able to think of myself better.

so i started to learn to forgive myself.

i now fully realized that i did what i believed was best for me, and my lover. that i too did hurt her, but i had sincerely apologized. and whether i like it or not, it is her choice to forgive me and be free, or not.

as to when i would be able to forgive myself completely, well, it remains unknown. the process hasn't ended yet, but at least it has started.

Third.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I always said that the reason why i didn't stand aside for my best friend and avoid hurting people's feelings like i usually did was because i believed about what i felt to this guy, about what we have, and about what we hope for the future, as you might have noticed in the past posts.

what i didn't mention was, during the process, i experienced a few times how this faith got shaken. sometimes i wondered, what if all this was proven to be wrong. what if we separated along the way. didn't it mean that i had hurt my best friend for nothing?

but occasions after occasions proved to me that those worries were all non sense. i love him now, he loves me now, so what does it matter? in the future, a few things might change and it will, because what doesn't? whether it will change for the better or worse, i don't know yet. but i am sure that our love is worth to fight for, and i am grateful that i had the courage to choose the winding road and take the risk for what i believe in: US. (':

Fourth.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

Along the journey, i discovered that i do still have these amazing, wonderful people behind me, that support and love me no matter what i choose.

My family - thanks, Mom, for believing in me that i would never mean any harm to anyone.

My bestfriends - thanks Amanda, for accompanying me the whole last night i met her where nothing seemed right; thanks Jessi, for always telling me, that it is a matter of heart and love, and to help me forgive myself; thanks Monik, Maya, Caesa, Chin-chin, for making everything more bearable that day.

My lover - thanks Yoseph, for accompanying me thru that night even if just by SMS and phone (: thanks for making me feel better. thanks for yosephizing my life. :*

So in the end, i can proudly say that.. i've learned more about friendship, love, forgiveness, choice, and being grateful.

This experience has helped me grow, hopefully to be a better person. (:

I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. -Omer B. Washington

cold war

2011-06-13T07:48:00.000+07:00

so here goes.

a girl had a best friend.

her best friend liked a guy. the kinda guy that people would say 'he's got the look, the talent, the brain'. she confided lots of the story and her feelings to the girl.

the girl, on the other half, during all the up-and-downs and all unpredictable events, happened to be friends with the guy.

it didn't start out planned, it just happened.

to the girl, you can believe it or not, it was never the number one factor all those people first capture of him.

to her, it was not the look, it was not the talent, it was not the brain.

for she had known from long ago that he indeed got the look, and he indeed got the talent, and he indeed got the brain, and that indeed he was dreamed by most likely all the girls around her.

but all those were never the ones that made her fall.

the girl wasn't quite sure how and when she exactly fell for the guy.

she just knew that she was really comfortable around him, he made her feel safe and happy.

he confided the secrets he never told people to this girl.

he could be on the phone with this girl for hours.

she could be just the way she was whenever she was with the guy.

the guy brought out the best in her.

but the girl, not aware of the love growing inside her, thought he just considered her as a friend.

after all, he was thought by everyone as 'the star', and happened to have a lot of friends which are, well, girls.

so time passed by.

the girl felt the strange and uneasy feelings inside her grew stronger and stronger.

she started to worry, if she had fallen for this guy.

but she told no one.

she thought, 'what's the use of making fuss of nothing? besides, he would never think of me, i could never win his heart, well, i wouldn't try to, for the sake of my best friend.'

so it was all shut tight in her heart.

she stopped encouraging her best friend so often for she felt like a hypocrite, she didn't say a thing when not asked.

she pretended to like other guy, just to convince her own heart that nothing had happened.

sometimes, she couldn't stop crying at nights when she was having war inside herself.

well, for this was the case: the clock was ticking, they were graduating soon.

she really had to make up her mind, whether she would confess her feelings to her best friend and try to win the heart of the guy, or if she would just keep everything shut.

she had no answer. not yet.

she kept having those two persons most endeared to her heart close to her, and just be happy for those rare moments.

she kept loving and caring for her best friend,

and she also kept caring for the guy - though with him *she supposed* unnoticed of it.

but then that day came.

graduation day.

after all night of partying, hugging her best friends tight like it was the last time, she got a surprise. or a shock, if we want to be more precise.

the guy - whom was 'the guy' for two girls at this exact time in this story - got up on stage.

after a few pauses, he finally said that he liked the girl. the girl that thought that he would think nothing of their friendship. the girl that thought that it was unlikely that something could actually happen between them.

well, the rest of the story is rather clear.

the girl postponed the clarification until she had spoken to the best friend she had unintentionally hurt.

but the best friend said nothing but forgiveness and blessings.

she could barely believe her luck - that she had such an amazing best friend yet she also got to have the guy she most loved.

happy ending? well, not really.

time, again as it always does, passed by.

it turned out that her best friend had not really forgiven nor forgotten about all those past events.

the girl felt strongly guilty. for she had made her own best friend suffer, and worst, lost faith in thing called 'friendship' and 'hope'.

she apologized several times. she did not break up with the guy, though. not with her heart so sure of their love.

the girl then tried everything she could to avoid breaking her best friend's heart even more.

she did not post the status nor pics in facebook, she avoided posting walls to her guy's profile.

but it was hard. it was hard to keep the best friend from hurting while not making the guy like the second priority.

she also had to make sure that she did not make her guy uncomfortable with the posting.

but then the guy wondered to the girl, 'why are you so exclusive about us dating?'

so the girl changed everything.

she now dared to post walls, pics, status, and everything.

BUT, she also kept it so that it would not be seen by her best friend.

she always hit the button 'DO NOT PUBLISH' in facebook whenever she posted pics.

she always erased the notification in her profile of her posting walls to her guy.

however, the story ended *hopefully just for a while* with the best friend blocked her facebook profile.

the girl then realized that her best friend no longer wanted to contact her, or to know anything about her anymore.

so she backed off. she didn't want to confront and push her.

maybe, just maybe, some things are just too hurtful to forgive.

a few days ago, the girl met her best friend for the first time after a long while.

they did not greet each other. they did not look at each other.

it was as if they two did not recognize the other's presence.

solid ignorance, ended up in total pain for the girl.

how she longed to greet her (former?) bestfriend, to say how beautiful she was that night, to ask how the MC-thingy she got was going, or even just to smile at her and have her smile back at her.

but nothing happened. the girl went home early for she was sick on that day.

leaving everything behind.

leaving the cold war arena.

leaving her (former?) best friend, with her boyfriend on the phone and tears welling in her eyes.

The Perfect Man

2011-06-12T12:56:00.006+07:00

You won’t be his first, his last, or his only.
He’s loved before, he will love again,
but if he loves you now, what else matters?
He’s not perfect.
You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect.
But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice,
and if he admits to being human and making mistakes,
hold onto him and give him the most you can.
He isn’t going to quote poetry.
He’s not thinking about you every moment,
but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.
Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give.
Don’t analyze.
Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.
Love hard when there is love to be had.
Because perfect guys don’t exist,
but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you.

-Bob Marley

http://itsjustahobby.tumblr.com/post/2996170779/itsjustahobby-tumblr-com

dignity and pride

2011-06-01T10:34:00.006+07:00

all my life i've been trying to be this nice little girl. especially after my father had passed away and i am left alone with my mom. i knew ever since then that i had to be the best daughter i can be so that i wouldn't have to make my mom suffer, or my dad disappointed of me. i want to make my mom's life easier, and my dad - wherever he is now, hopefully in a much better place than this earth - proud of me.

i always study when i have to, i don't need my mom yelling at me for that.

i always try to be a nice friend for the people around me.

never yell at them, always try to never talk bad or curse at anybody.

when people stab my back, i always try just to accept that knife with a smile.

i never tried to retaliate.

when people talk dirty about me, i learned to hide the pain in a smile and cry just when i am alone in bed at night.

but i am tired. i am tired being that nice little girl, who would not say anything when people hurt her, who would always forgive people, who would avoid any fight, or having any enemy; who hates it so bad whenever there are people who dislike her.

i am tired.

and to you, these two particular people who apparently showed up just to make my life miserable and none otherwise,

what did i do that hurt you? why do you keep hurting me?

why can't you say that right to my face instead of just talking bad behind my back?

i wonder if that even a TRUTH that came out of your mouth *or worse, text msg - and not even to me, but other people.

DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT TO MY FACE?

ARE YOU AFRAID THAT I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT ALL OF THEM ARE LIES?

so you are rich. WELL, I DON'T CARE.

why do rich people think they can trample on the poor and the powerless?

why do you think you can hurt us just all you want?

i am so annoyed that my first reaction was only silence.

complete, solid silence.

and that it pierced me right through the hotter side of my brain.

the next reaction was i wanted to scream at your face all the curses i would try hardest to avoid.

and i hate you for that. i hate you for putting those words inside my brain.

all those curses that contaminated me like poison - that i so detest, but cannot resist.

i chose to shut my mouth instead of letting you win the battle by turning me into an emotional cursing girl.

and the third reaction, was crying.

i couldn't stop crying for it hurt me so bad.

i cried, and i cried, and i cried.

in short, i cried my eyes out. for only God knows how long.

so i learned my lesson.

you can talk all you want, but i'll regain my calmness.

i WILL NOT, and mark my words, i WILL NOT accept your insults anymore.

but unlike you, who offend people in any way that you can, i will take the classy way to stand up for my self.

i will not swear, or curse at you.

i will smile upon that desperate step of yours.

and know deeply in my heart, and be grateful, that i do not have to take such an act to hurt someone who had never hurt you.

yeah, at the end of the day, i will smile.

i will forgive you.

but not like a meek little girl anymore;

instead with dignity. and pride.

THANK YOU 2010, WELCOME 2011 (:

2011-02-25T20:13:00.020+07:00

i know it's a little late to post about the new year of 2011, the self-objectives this year, the evaluation of last year..

nevertheless, i'd still like to post it. just for the sake of myself. to make it clearer, more real to me, instead of surreal. something to look back in the midst year, to cherish, to be grateful about, to remind me, to 'punish' me if i deviate or violate my very own objectives. (:

so... let's start, shall we? :DD

2010

this year.. was full of up and down. SO FULL.

1. academic life:

i completed my high school study majoring in Science, thank God ranking first, and got into the Department of International Relations in Parahyangan Catholic University, Bandung.

i have to admit it was kinda hard to adapt to 'having-to-start-all-over-again-right-from-the-very-bottom'. it had me depressed at my lowest point sometimes.

not much participation in committees (although yes, i got into IREC as funraiser staff, RUN as first secretary, Unpar Radio Station as producer, and TAHI as 2010 dance crew member). also wasn't so sure about my academic achievement..

but thanks to my super heroes (GOD-family-friends-boyfriend), i could try and fight hard. i can't stop giving thanks to MY HEROES. (: my hugs for you all, love.

i ended this year with a i on my face. i managed to get a 4 score for my GPA (or, IP - indeks prestasi, in Bahasa) which means straight A's, i was honestly not really sure how it happened, but all i can do is giving thanks to GOD. :DD this will be a good starting point, and to some extent, trigger point, to whip my ass in becoming more hard-working. (: yaay!

2. friendship:

my senior year in high school? superb year for this topic. i really do cherish all the great, great, AMAZING friends i make in high school. i REALLY hope it is everlasting, guys. (:

i admit that in this year, sadly, i also hurt one of my bestest girl.

i really didn't mean to hurt you. it broke my heart to do so. i am so sorry everything went wrong. i am so sorry because i know, this 'incident' made you see me as a disloyal, back-stabbing friend. i am so deeply sorry, i really hope that your heart is finally mended. i'm glad i finally got the courage to speak up to you and apologize appropriately in 2010 also. (:

i don't know whether you have forgiven me completely or not since the talk. but i still pray for you, that your heart is perfectly mended, that i don't cause you lose trust in people (for fearing they may hurt you just the way i did), and that our friendship can last. and even if it can not go back to the way it was, i just want to let you know: i am grateful for the chance when i can call you my friend. (:

in this year of 2010, i also make super amazing friends in college. from the seven super girls in the beginning of the year - wild, easily lovable girls from different background and faculties, to the random friends around campus, and to my IR besties. (: i can't really elaborate how thankful i am to meet you guys. without you, it will be impossible for me to survive and be like what i am now. (: much love! and we will hang out soon! we should. real soon. : p

3. love:

2010.. i can't describe how grateful, how happy, how joyous i am to find you in this year. i can't say with the exact words how much you've been caring for me, how much you've encouraged me, how much you've given me all the laugh and comfort i need, how much you've touched me with your love.

how much i love you. (:

hey, we will keep our promise to keep fighting for this, right? like you always say to me, 'always together'. we will make this work. (:

i am sorry for the times i let you down, made you jealous, disappointed you.. all the tears we share, all the laughs we have, all the unspeakable too-great-a-feeling.. (:

hey, remember when you surprised me with dipsy? remember the ice-creams? the soccer matches? the dolphin show? when we decorate the xmas tree, together with my mom and mbok? remember the first time you introduce me to your family? and you to mine? (:

thank you. thank you. thank you.

thank you, sayang. aku sayang kamu. (':

4. financial problems:

in this year of 2010, i also faced a severe financial problem that threatened my future in UNPAR. my mom and i nearly failed to meet the college tuition in time, due to the lack of information because of which i lost the chance to fight for a scholarship. as you probably knew, i then put an emergency request in facebook and blogspot to collect information about scholarships or foster-parents.

i was really touched by the amount of care and thoughts you have all given me. the support even came from the people i had not expected. quite a number of seniors messaged me in private, suggesting ways i could try(: it was really encouraging and heart-moving. thank you, guys, i can't thank you enough. (:

but thank GOD, HE eventually provided us a way. a generous old friend of mine told me that her father probably could help. and this generous father did help. knowing my academic record, he gathered some people who were willing to help my mom and i save my future in college. and.. there it goes. we managed to get me back in time. (: thank you..

thanks, GOD, for all these generous, honorable people. may Your blessings be upon them.

2011

a new beginning has come! i remember one day when i traveled back to bsd from bandung. i usually sleep all through the travel *hhe : p but that day, i could not. i got engaged with the blue sky. yes, it was exceptionally bright blue, with scattered real white clouds, that gave you sense of BIG. BROAD.

at that point, something like woke up inside of me. like what usually happens when i am looking at the sky, i realise just how big this world is. how broad it is. how much left for me to discover. and at that point, i promised myself that someday i would travel that blue sky. i would get the chance to see the world i've been longing to see. i would work my ass so hard that i would finally make it true. and that, marked the shifting year to 2011. (:

1. college life:

yaaay! a brand new semester! :DD this semester, i will be attending brand new classes. with more demanding, yet SO intelligent, professors. with more assignments. with more analysis and brain-excercise : p i'm quite intimidated! i realized in no time that this semester will be 180o different from the last one. i should put more effort in order to maintain my performance. but.. i will fight and do my best. i have to. i will. (;

yet this semester, i get involved in more committees. i am still the funraiser staff in IREC, the producer in unpar radio station. and now, i am also the decoration staff in PMKT 2011, the protocol staff in PMUN 2011, and...

bam! the coordinator of matter and research division of GINRTRE 2011! wow. this last one DID blow my mind away. i never, EVER had once imagined that i would be appointed this position. i get a little scared then, i really don't wanna screw anything. but thank God yet again, that i have this amazing staff of mine! go fellow matterian! we will rock GINTRE 2011, won't we? *winkk. (;

really hope that this semester, everything goes well in my college life. i hope i can enhance my performance! yaaay!

2. love and friendship

memorable moment in the early months of 2011... my birthday surprise! i was prepared to spend the day alone, working on my paper, what with my friends cancelling our 'going-out' and my boyfriend attending another event *chinese new year happened to be on the same day as my birthday. awesome, eh? : p

but you know what...? WOW! my boyfriend came to surprise me. knocking on the door, huge candled birthday oreo-cheese cake on his hands, amazing presents.. *yeah, present-S. that's a plural, wew!

and not so long after, my friends that cancelled our going-out came bringing me a hand-made collage as a gift.. awww (':

and in the night, auntie lily and family took me to a place named 'dago atas'. amazing, amazing night city view from uphills! and great food as well. :DD

thanks a lot! BIG THANKS YOU GUYS! can't thank you enoughh!

i hope to make more and more new friends this year, while still keeping the old inside my heart. i will be more thankful for these amazing friends i have now (and the ones that are *hopefully* coming this year). (:

and as to my love life... i will appreciate what we have more. i will protect you, and try my best not to let you down. i hope we can communicate better, understand each other better, and do not get bored to keep the learning-process of each other going. (:

SO.it comes to a point where i have to conclude what my objectives for this year are.

1. i will be more honest to myself. have honest conversations with myself, try to know myself better.

2. i will be more discipline. abide the timetable or schedule i make myself.

3. i will try and be a good person, good friend for everyone. try not to demand people to greet me first, acknowledge me first, blablabla first. instead, i am willing to take the initiative to greet, to smile, to lend a hand.

4. however, i will remember: i don't live to please everyone else. my life is up to me, and it is my responsibility to get it right. i will decide what is good for me and what is not, and stick to it.

5. i will give more appreciation and respect to precious ones around me - family, friends, lover, even pets and things.

6. i will work hard to keep up my performance academically, find a way to fund my college study - whether it be scholarships, foster-parent program, or part-timing.

and these.. are the evaluations and hopes i have from 2010-2011. (:

have you got any? you are most welcome to share them.

and let's support each other in achieving those hopes! yaaaaaaay. we can! :DD

may GOD bless us this whole year round.

cheers!

a brand new beginning

2011-02-25T17:44:00.005+07:00

BRAND

NEW

BEGINNING

IS HERE.

this is a brand new beginning. i promise myself. (:

random

2010-12-14T21:29:00.005+07:00

random.
RANDOM.

i warn you: tonight is the night of random post.

first i'm feeling a rebel persona is showing its face from inside of me.
somehow i feel like i've always been doing or told to do what's the right thing to do and what i ought to do and what i should do and blah blah blah the ideals.
but tonight is a new case:
tomorrow i'm having probably the hardest exam, with so much materials.
i havent touched my book. not the slightest bit.
i'm feeling like i wanna be irresponsible just for one night.
hhas weird.

second. I AM A DREAMER. i can be this mature young-adult while being this little girl.
i wanna marry my true love around the age of 25s.
i wanna have two children - one boy one girl. both of them have been named by me.
i know what my house would look like. i know how i want it to be.
i want to work at NGO like one.org or other NGOs that work against poverty.
i wanna learn philosophy and dance all my life.
i wanna have three dogs from three different breeds with different names i've been giving them.
i know where i want to go on each vacation. my top-10 must visit places.
i know where i want to spend my honeymoon. how it would be like.
i know what songs to play during wedding. what cake what dress.
i want to do something good for the world. i want to make it a better place.
i want to see less poverty less hatred and i wanna help make em all come true.
i wanna work with the homeless and share with them both joy and sorrow.
i wanna give em a place to crash.
i wish to be a girl - or a woman in that matter - that can be relied upon. that people believe in is dependable.
and blah blah blah.

third. i wanna eat more ice cream. i don't care that today i've already eaten two paddle-pop mini moo.

fourth. i want christmas!

fifth. there are so many things i wanna write about. my opinions about things. my feelings. my blah blah blah. but i can't write em all now. later. i will.

I WANNA GO TO BED AND FORGET THE REST OF THE WORLD TONIGHT.
phew. this is a new and foreign concept to me.
i suddenly just feel tired with all the responsibility and the 'tough-girl' character i always try to make myself into.
i also suddenly remember the quote 'even the superhero has the right to bleed'.
is it so selfish of me if i feel like - just for tonite - i wanna go to bed and forget the rest of the world? just for tonight, i promise.

wait.
am i some kinda psychopatic neurotic random girl?

huh. don't care.

*ignore this post. or not. whatever. ain't really mind nothin just for tonight.

superhero?

2010-12-13T23:11:00.001+07:00

i'm always trying to be a superhero.
no matter what it takes.
i am strong. i am strong.
i know i am strong enough. (:

official version

2010-12-11T22:13:00.001+07:00

this is the official version of the 'a little help' that i tagged to some of my friends and relatives in facebook:

dear friends and family.
i write this note not entirely with light heart.
in a way it feels hard to do so.. but i have to admit i've got a problem..
and in a way i need a little help.

well, i'm facing some kind of situation right now.
to be more precise, financial issue for my college tuition.
i thought i could apply for scholarship, just like i did when i just got in.
but then i found out from the administration staffs that first-year students can't apply for any.
i also found out from my mom that we're not really in condition to make it in time - and the due date is jan 7th.
if we don't make it by that time... well, i guess it's clear enough, isn't it?

so basically i'm gonna try my best to make ends meet.
i'm gonna ask for dispensation from my department in uni, maybe a longer time span.
and i'm gonna look for new source of scholarship.

so by writing to you through this note,
i'm asking you deeply..
if any of you know any source of scholarship,
or if you know anyone that's willing to be a foster parent for financing college tuition...
will you be so kind and please please please inform me?? i will never thank you enough (:

but even if you dont know any, dont worry.
you stplease pray with me (: i owe you one.ill have my warmest love and regards.
and my biggest thanks for keep being there for me. all along. (:

i love you people.
please pray with me (: i owe you one.
GOD BLESSSS YOU.

PS.
i have made a proposal for scholarship, along with the CVs, certificates and stuffs.
i have all the documents,
so you can just ask me for them if you have any relative or acquaintance that you're willing to give it to.
thanks again. (: GBU big time.

i'm sorry if this is too much of a nuisance. if it is, you can just ignore this note. (;

yeaa.. i wanna say thanks AGAIN and A LOT to all the people who have responded to that note in facebook. even those who i didn't tag and never thought will even bother to read it.. i got such unexpected responds and it really set my heart alight. (':

i'm not the one comfortable enuf asking around for help.. i have to admit that for this kinda thing, mostly my pride is just too big. so once i finally let those walls down, and got such huge touching responds... i cant help myself but got misty-eyed a bit. (':

i can never thank you enough, each and every one of you caring enuf to even bother with my problem. may God bless you.. always. (:

a little help (:

2010-12-10T21:34:00.007+07:00

a little help (:

hey people! long time no talk.
got lots of news to share. (x
yeaaa i'm having my semestrial exams for these 2 weeks whooopeeee! hhas
let's hope for the best of it, shall we? *winkk

anddd...
i was recruited into a dance crew to perform in Temu Akrab HI (TAHI) 2010, or Gathering for UNPAR International Relations Students, presented by the class of 2010. my first time to perform real hiphop sexy dance sooo.. kinda nervous! hard time practicing but thank God we managed em well (x will show ya some pics later.

anywayy in no mood for blabbering too much. im facing some kinda situation ryte now.
mmm well... im in the middle of financial issue for my college tuition.
i thought i could apply for scholarship, just like i did before i got in.
but then i found out that first-year students can't apply for any. i was like... DANG!
and i had prepared aaaaall the documents. shoot.
i texted my mom and then found out again that... well, basically we're in no condition to pay all those bloody tuition in time. we're probably not making it - and the due date is jan 7th. if we dont make it till then, well.. clear enuf, isn't it?
so basically i'm trying my best - and kinda dying - here. im gonna ask for some dispensation, maybe a time span or idk.
and i have also made a scholarship proposal, with CV, and stuffs..
sooo...
you guys, please please PLEAAASE. if any of you know any source of scholarship, anyone that's willing to be a foster parent for financing college... will you be so kind and please please please inform me?? i will never thank you enuf (:

but even if you dont know any, dont worry. you still have my warmest love and regards. and my biggest thanks for keep being there for me. all along. (:

i love you people.
please pray with me (: i owe you one.
GOD BLESSSS YOU.

PS.
i have the proposal and CV docs, so you can just ask me for em if you have any relative or acquaintance that you're willing to give it to. thanks muchoooosssss

thankies, dear (:

2010-11-18T10:38:00.004+07:00

thank you, thank you for reminding me why i said 'yes' in the first place.
thanks for assuring me - even if you didn't know that you were at the time.
thanks for all these six months and all the months before.
thanks. (:

cos we're right here, right now.
and we're together. (:
-17.11.10

PS. it's about time i protect my own heart.

No One Can Hurt You
source : http://www.breaktheillusion.com/inspiration/no-one-can-hurt-you/

No one can tear you down, unless you give them power over you to do so.

No one can hurt you, unless you let them.

No one can deflate you, without your permission.

No one can tell your truth, without your okay.

No one can make you angry, unless you give them that ability.

No one can define you, without your authority.

And likewise, no one can inspire you, inflate you, teach you, encourage you or motivate you unless you bestow upon them that power.

Doesn’t it sting, a bit, knowing that all the pain and all the suffering you ever caused yourself was self-inflicted? Of course, you’re causing that sting, too. Maybe you had to experience the pain and suffering to get to where you are today.

PPS. special thanks to davey wavey for his inspirational words above.

untitled

2010-11-15T01:51:00.002+07:00

beterbangan di antara kata-kata yang kauhamburkan
di antara caci-caci yang kauselipkan
kehancuran yang kutinggalkan

di balik harapan yang kurampas
kekecewaanmu yang ganas
hatimu yang panas

setelah sekian lama,
kudapati kau masih merasakannya
aku tak tahu, sungguh tak tahu

ingin sekali aku bisa
dengan yakin berkata:
'maaf, aku salah'

atau bahkan - walau terkesan hati tak ada,
dengan pasti berkata:
'maaf, aku yakin tak salah'

tapi satu pertanyaanku,
bagaimana mendefinisikan benar-salah?

ketika pilihan itu diyakini benar,
dapatkah memilihnya malah menjadi salah?
karena aku yakin pilihanku tepat
hatiku yang bilang, ia takkan sesat

lalu satu lagi pertanyaanku
satu lagi, dan cukup satu saja...

...salahkukah sedari awal hingga pilihan itu bahkan dapat ada?

what have i done

2010-11-14T23:38:00.002+07:00

what have i done?
have i ruined someone's life?

i think so. ):

stubborn?

2010-10-28T18:17:00.004+07:00

a few days ago, i was cleaning my room with a broom in hand, and something got me thinkin.
it took form of a strand of hair - happened to sit around under a shoebox.
i happily swept it - or tried to sweep it, to be more precise. but it won't move even a bit!
i started to get a lil bit infuriated *just exaggerating* and swept even more 'passionately'.
it still won't move, darn it! hhas
nevertheless, i kept refusing to bend down and take it by hand. or at least move the shoebox first for i was too lazy to do all that.
and i couldn't help thinking, "damn it, it's one stubborn hair, isn't it?!"
but then somethin struck me right in the head.
"is it? isn't it YOU being stubborn?"

well, yeah. it's funny how such simple thing can help you judge -or rather, evaluate- yourself. but it happens! hhas thru a simple, 'stubborn' strand of hair i realized how stubborn sometimes i can be. how lazy sometimes i can be.
and that's not just about sweepin off some effin hair. it also happens in my daily life. sometimes i see at one problem and can't help thinking about it over and over again. i can get infuriated, even frustrated at times, about how it won't bend to my will. about why it won't just get better.
well, something has to change. the problems can't solve theirselves, for god's sake!
it's ME who has to change. it's MY PERSPECTIVE that has to change.
i always love this quote - and i happen to forget it a lot,
"you can't ask for THINGS to get better. you should ask YOURSELF to be better."
hhas true, isn't it? besides, before changing everything else, you gotta start somewhere. and it's YOURSELF. our selves. (x

sooo.. i hope this lil sharing can help us evaluating our selves.
just.. let's open up our eyes, our hearts, and learn from simple things around us. (x
happy sunday!

i lurv my life (x

2010-10-25T13:59:00.008+07:00

heyy people! (x
quite long time no talk. how life's been treating you?? great, i hope. hhas
anywayy. lots had been going on since the last time i wrote here.

ive had my midterm exams (hoorraaayy it's oveeeer!). and if you have to know, well, i could answer most the questions but dont know if the answers answered the questions enuf *if you know what i meant : p hhas

right after i finished the last exam on the run, i went to cihampelas walk wif my friends boo-yah! hhas (x we had sooo much fun. we saw the movie 'eat pray love' , julia roberts was great! always lurv her.
but well, if i have to be objective - and i'll try to, the movie wasnt that good. it won't be like 'omygosh i gotta watch it again and again and again!' but more like 'okay, not bad.. it has some good, great even, moments. but maybe if it was just....'. you know that kinda movie hhas
most of my friends who watched it wif me said it was boring. they ended up chatting wif each other HAHA - and they werent so quite, i guarantee you. : p
nevertheless, it was one of the movies who could quite capture my heart. maybe cos ive read and loved the book -which totally helps me understand the storyline. i especially lurv the scenery pictured there.. and food scenes in italy really broke my heart tho. HAHA what a pizzaaaaa... okay enuf wif daydreams about pizza : p

adit - indi - vinsen - mel - evan - alvin
adel - cha (me!) - inggrid

and do you also remember when i said i was a committee member for halloween party?? yaaaa it had been held successfully! (x during the exams days, there was one day when i got to wear costume and promote the party. so i strolled around in FISIP, scaring the hell outta people... you know. hhas FYI! i myself am a kinda person who's totally afraid of ghosts. so i saved some pics of me but not brave enuf to look at it by myself! HAHA how stupid it is.

theeen. oct 23rd, i FINALLY went back home. lovely sweet BSD city. home sweet home. hhas spent the whole day wif my bf and mom. and the dogs. and our maid. we celebrated my mom's bday (it shd be on oct 18th). i bought her earings and my bf bought her a BIG strawberry cheesecake and a box of lindts *chocolate, you see. we had fuuun. hhas after the lil surprise, i spent some time alone wif my bf. we talked a lot and laughed a lot. we saw the movie 'grownups'. yeaaaa the point is we had a quality time together and i was really reaaaally happy (x thanks, mom. thanks, jeleeek. thanks my sweet doggies. thanks, mbook. YOU GUYS HAVE MADE MY WEEKEND LIKE HEAVEN. mmmmwawch lurv y'all heaps.(x

and sooo. t'was my happy story. (:
i really hope you guys have awesome sweet moments just like moi.
it will refill your energy - it works for me. (;

soooo let's keep fighting now people!!
signin off. (x

kangeeen.

2010-10-09T19:14:00.006+07:00

cant help itt. benarbenar kangennn dengan orangorang ini.
totally miss these people. HEAPS HEAPS HEAPS.

si kakek-jelek-odong-gendutdutdut-my kecoakman.

si manda-andaman-panda-rekanpembuatsuaraaneh.

punishing myself

2010-10-09T17:54:00.003+07:00

hello, people! (x
how's life been treating you lately?? great, hopefully, cos you totally deserve it!
i, myself, are experiencing hectic hectic times now in college. what with the upcoming mid-term exams, committee stuffs, training in radio...

hey, guess i forgot to tell you the updates.
first.. i got accepted in IREC (international relations english club), an organization under the international relations students union. as what?? as staff of the funraiser division - responsible for fun stuffs like movie reviews, and the nearest event to come about is... halloween party! (x im responsible as the member of event division, specifically as liaison officer (L.O.) for shante band.
next.. i got accepted in Unpar Radio Station (URS) as producer! yaaaay (x the screening was tough, slightly above the IREC screening test. but thank God i made it yaay hhas now i have to go through some stages of training, but they're all soooo FUN. like heaps. *winkk. the newest members of URS must also prepare an event for the seniors, call the "initiation".
and... third is... RUN, which stands for "Remarkable and Unforgettable Night". this is an event, held by the FISIP (Faculty of Social and Political Science) students year 2010 for the seniors. the theme this year is all about environment. i came up with the tagline which is "fisip for our planet - a charity night". yeah cos basically this event will also contribute for a charity (;

and nooow.
i just finished the novel "eat, love and pray" in one day yesterday. and im obliged to tell you: the boooook IS great. totally. it brings up new perspectives on viewing life, misery, and how to put the misery behind. how to deal and forgive yourself, even others. i found some issues in the book really relevant to mine, and it helps a lot! (x totally recommended. and as far as i know, the movie is now playing in cinemas near you. correct me if im mistaken. hhas cant wait to watch the movie, but... heck, im facing midterm exams starting NEXT monday. gosh. wish me luck, folks. hhas

anyway.. despite reading a great book - fyi, it also encourages me a lot to keep trying and be closer with God - i cant help 'punishing' myself just this afternoon. i dont know why.. just the fact that the problem had never been totally clear..

well, i guess im confusing you. let's move back a sec, then. i'll give you an abstract. let's say.. i hurt someone. i was the one to rely on before this happened, and i really never meant to hurt. well i dont really know actually. i chose. but my choice hurt someone. and this has never been comunicated clearly. i dont really forgive myself. i still cant. so i keep punishing myself over and over again. i keep flickering thru that person's wall, reading all the quotes about liars and betrayers. i cant decide whether it's really my fault. or even, if it's a fault at all. i guess i did make a mistake, i wrong that person. i hurt that person, i fail that person's faith. but.. this isn't a matter i can really choose easily. this isn't a matter i can give up - yet i also dont wanna give up that person. for i still care about that person, i just dont know how to show it. i dont know how to act as if nothing ever happened. i reaaally wanna talk this thru. but i guess it's too late.

im usually not the kinda person who dwells in problems too long. but this one problem.. it never really ceases. sometimes it's pushed into the background, but soon it will resurface. and it will make me feel all wrong.

im still sure about the choice i made. the way i feel.. the way the "other person in this case" feels and makes me feel.. but im not sure about the person i hurt. im not sure what im supposed to do. how to act. what to say. how to make things right.

or...
is it too late to fix things up..?

a brand new life - part 03

2010-08-28T23:29:00.004+07:00

now here comes the melancholic parts of my life.. : p
well, it's true that when i first came to bandung, i spent 2 weeks in total bliss with my new friends, with brand new experiences.. and i felt happy.
i thought i survived the adaptation and transition process... but i wasn't that lucky. hhas

in first weeks of college and orientation though, i began to feel a bit depressed. shocked, you can say. what with a sudden 'burden' on my shoulders, while i must totally be in charge of myself.. well, i was in quite an agony. that was also the time when i experienced problems with my health, when i missed my family and friends the most, when i had quite a lot going on in my head also about my relationship...

i couldn't, and wouldn't, lie to myself... there was also a sense of despair. to start again from zero point, as no one, to once more groping the rope from the very bottom... to not know for sure, 'is this really for me?'. to not know for sure, 'am i meant to be here?'. and yet, worse, to wonder in horror, 'will i fail this test?'.

well, it was tough.

i spent two whole nights crying. literally crying myself to sleep. for two whole nights. i let myself feel desperate, i let myself be pathetic little girl for those two nights.

but then, that was it.

THANK GOD, i found my strength back again in HIM. really. HE gave me the strength that i needed, to question myself long enough,

'is this all i can do? is this the best of me? why, then i must be ashamed of myself! God doesn't create me 'just' like this. HE has some special purpose. HE doesn't create me just to kill time. HE created me PERFECT in HIS eyes. i know i have my own weaknesses. but that doesn't mean im not worthy, doesn't mean i cant try to be better. doesn't mean i can't SURVIVE a transition.'

'hey, afterall... this is what i've been doing for all these years! one transition after another.. kindergarten, primary school, junior high, senior high... and i survived all those! i managed to make my own achievements there, i managed to leave something good behind...'

'so this time, i WILL succeed too! i will make it happen. i will NOT ASK THINGS TO GET BETTER, but rather, i will ASK MYSELF TO GET BETTER. i have everything i need in me, i have even more in HIM. i also have my family and friends, whom i will NEVER want to disappoint... so yeah, it's time. it's time to take a rise. stop crying. that was enuf. enuf for me to gather my strength and determination. this is ME.'

and so, now... thank GOD, i have found, once more, a courage to continue this fight. yes, it's true that i have to start from somewhere, from the bottom, apparently. but i will work my hands and practice them all well to manage to the top. not exactly in term of 'must be the best' whatsoever, but more in term of 'must be the best OF ME'.

hey, i'm a big girl now, ryte? (;

so my beloved friends, i wish for you all to keep praying with me. i hope this little sharing can help you find your strength too.. we will FIGHT together, won't we? :DD

yaaay, FIIIIGHHHHT!

on a lighter note, i'll give you some updates and random notes.
well.. i just got over an illness.. two nights ago i was brought to emergency unit (E.U.) in boromeus hospital, bandung. why..? hhas due to my own stupidity, of course. i skipped some meals for two days, i barely ate anything. soo.. yeah, no doubt my health dropped quite significantly.
i was going out for dinner in gigglebox, riau street, with my friends and some seniors. i was all fine at first, but suddenly i felt like i was about to faint. i kept vommitting, i felt darkness threatened to surround me -meaning, i was about to faint in any second, but i didnt let it. i gripped on some of my inner strength and wouldnt let myself faint. so yeaa, basically everyone else got panicked and insisted on me being brought to the E.U.
i got a shot for my nausea. so apparently, my blood pressure dropped and i had a maag. thank GOD, i didnt need to be hospitalized. after the shot, i was allowed to get back home. my dearest marlina and patrice accompanied me during the nite. i managed to sleep well that nite(:
todaaay. i had a tutorial at campus. from 07am to 04pm. i managed to stay still yaaay!(x tho everyone kinda freaked out seeing me all pale and stuffs, but i made it! hhas

one last thing.
i just want to put this out so i can feel relieved after all this time.. *not entirely, but at least in a way.

i acknowledge that i had made a controversial decision. it was like i bargained a friend for something that, some people at least, consider as inappropriate.

well, i could only say this. i wouldn't say yes in the first place, if i didn't feel sure enough about my feeling. and about that person.

people can think of me as a heartless person, and i won't try to correct them. they have every right to think whatever they want to think. and i won't beg for understandings.

i acknowledge i might have wronged some people. i might have hurt some people. i just wanna share, i DO feel just as hurt to do so. i am sorry, i really am. i never meant to hurt anyone, it was never my intention. they won't know how many sleepless, tearful nights i spent -torn between two worlds, two choices, two lives. even from the very beginning.

but in the end, i did decide. afterall, life is about choices, isn't it? and i chose to take a risk to make some mistake here and there. but that was because i was sure enough. i was sure enough to willingly agree to maybe one day, have a share of regret in this life. but we won't know for sure until we try.

and yes, yet i am still sure.

about this.
this thing we share,
this thing we cherish,
this thing we hold most dear.

it never means i love my friends less. i think, a heart is not like a room with a limited space. rather, it's more like a sky. to have more people to love on the list doesn't mean the space for the others should decease. in fact, it even becomes greater... for the space becomes wider... and wider... and wider...

i wish to soar on that sky, to be a little sparrow discovering every edge of it.. colouring it a bit with my presence, hopefully to bring love to those in need.

at last,
i love YOU.
ALL of you. (:

Godbless you, people..
sleep well for now.
niteeees.:DD

a brand new life - part 02

2010-08-25T21:26:00.015+07:00

back again! : p
continuing from where we left off last time, yeaa so i moved to bandung on july 31st. im staying in bukit indah 21, some kinda hostel near the campus. *you know i'm attending parahyangan catholic university, majoring international relations, rite?? hhas : p
and you OUGHTA know. the hostel - is - located - down, and i mean real DOWN there, a slope. so i gotta go climb for about 10mins to get to campus. HAHA my calves are gettin humongous, i suppose. but anywayyy, here's a glimpse of my small room ... :DD

look at the books! and you haven't seen them ALL : p

small dog on the head: tabblet (tabby)
bigger dog: fluffy
reindeer / doe : unknown yet

yeppp. that's my room, k2. pretty cozy, just the slightest bit messy. : p come visit me!
and here's a pic of my file binder. i made the cover myself.. a list of my fave things was written there, along with the pics of my beloved ones!(x
those who've seen the binder said they loved it... well, i couldn't help but agree since it's full of my fave things and beloved ones! : p

living in bandung alone doesn't mean that im lonely. NOPE. cos thank God, i made six super friends here *two of them are also from sanur bsd. (x

at punclut:
patrice (international relations) - acha (international relations) -
marlina (developing economics) - jessica (chemical engineering) -
siska (industrial engineering) - feli (civil engineering) - feren (industrial engineering)

yeaap. those are my supergirls here : p we've been wandering everywhere around bandung. starting from cihampelas walk (ciwalk), paris van java (pvj), bandung indah plaza (bip), punclut (top of ciumbuleuit), st.laurensius church sukajadi, tangkuban perahu, kampung gajah... etc etc etc! hhas we had sooo much fun. here are some pics of us, and of course, with some extra friends and seniors who also hang with us quite a lot. (;

tangkuban perahu

ciwalk

BIP

siska's room

saung kummara

paris van java

jessica's room

kampung gajah

we've shared lots and lots of thoughts, jokes, laughters, sad and happy stories, even tears! jessica and marlina with their own share of regrets and broken-hearts -and thank God, how they overcome their problems and move on! (; how we share our misery, our excitement... stories of exhaustion, and sometimes of resentment.. we share infos about college - the professors, the classmates, the activities..
i'd also love to thank my lovely seniors, ci nike and febe, for they are my angels! they're the ones who lend me the books i need so tht i can save my money for better purpose *yaaay (x HAHA they're the ones who cheer me up, who encourage me to try things i dared not or i doubted to.. THANKS THANKS THANKS! (:
but my new life.. it isn't all wonderful and glittering like it seems.
i also faced some problems.
some difficulties.
and to be honest...
there were even times when i felt kinda depressed.

...to be continued.

a brand new life - part 01

2010-08-23T10:23:00.011+07:00

helloooooow, world! :DD
gosh, hasn't it been just TOO long?? hhas

well.. a lot has happened since the last time i wrote here.
and when i said 'a lot', it means A LOT. : p
well, i feel obliged to tell you some of the reasons why, which are:
1. i got no inet connections for one month and a half or so,
2. i dont feel comfortable to write some things up.
well, there were some considerations i needed to go thru, but after all, hey i made it back! *wink

soooo.. a quick review then. and since pictures worth a thousand words, i will mostly flood you wif pics HAHA.

may 17th, 2010
ST. URSULA BSD HIGH 2010 - GRADUATION DAY AND PROM NIGHT
theme: life is a challenge
dresscode: classic hollywood

MC: ernest, rangga (sanur high '08)

acha - nana - ita - adelia

monik - acha- maya - chin

and my class, XII IPA 3 (XII science prog.3), performed some kinda broadway performance. you know, an act with dances and songs.. it was coreographed by me and bhowo. i happened to be the leading lady, while silas is the leading guy hhas and thankkkk God, we rocked that nite yaay :DD here are some pics:

acha & silas - our duet dance

closing dance

main dancers:
nathan - rei - bhowo - yoseph - adit (oenpao)
nia - elana - meika - grace - kania
acha - silas

other classes also performed, and they rocked the boat too just as great! :DD
it was an unforgettable nite indeed.. and one last thing to tell,

at the very last minute of the prom nite, a guy got up on stage and, in front of everyone, said that he liked me. well, you can imagine i was panicking, my face blushed and all. and when he asked me to be his girlfriend, i replied by asking to talk about this privately.
well, i wont get thru all the details, but after some considerations, some dilemmas, etc etc etc... well.. i said yes. (: why? cause even though it happened to later bring some complications into my life, i was sure that he's worth to be fought for. my feeling, well our feelings, are also worth to be fought for. (:

he left to germany in term of studying classical piano *his major, on june 1st. before he left, he left me a puppy of goldenretriever breed. her name is dipsy and i lurv her lots lots lots! (x

*sigh, it's been almost three months that he's been gone and.. well, i cant lie, i miss him like crazy.

ANYWAY. moving on. hhas

hmmm after he left, i got accepted to part-time in st.ursula library. they were autocomputerizing the system and they hired some of the alumnis. i worked for... what, three weeks probably? got Rp 75k / day *all well-spent. HAHA : p got great experience working there. learning to work profesionally, i got to wear work-suits everyday, do everyday-job like cataloguing books, labelling them, putting datas into the computers... wow, i miss working there! hhas besides, i got cool colleagues too there. it was so MUCH fun! : p

life kept going on.. i handed over my position as the secretary for Legio Mariae Junior and Youth as my time in BSD City is running out.. i moved to Bandung to continue on a higher education on July 31st, 2010. (:

... to be continued.

may 11th, 2010

2010-05-14T05:32:00.005+07:00

may 11th, 2010
the BEST day of my life so faar. :DD

well, to start the day with, i went to school in the morning to book a place for my class' dance practice. when i was lookin around, i suddenly got a phonecall from an unknown number. it was from a girl named lisa, said she was from MS Tri 104.2 FM radio and wanted to interview me on air because of my rank for national exams. i kinda got into shock *overreacting hhe* cos, man, how on earth did she know anyway??

so well, after a few instructions, she hung up the phone and said to be calling on again in 2 or so mins. her friends will interview me on air by phone. and soo.. i was interviewed. they asked me about my scores, what motivated me, how i got the score, where i was heading for college, etc. it was only for about.. idk. maybe, 4-5 mins?? hhas yeaa.

then.. the day went on with somethin sooo good it turned the day into the best day in my life so far. : p but sorry, cant spill here, you guys. just.. it made me terribly happy. though i also got a rather.. what, can't say shockin cos i already got a premonition that it'd happen but.. well, let's just call it rather shockin news for the sake of practicality. : p OKAY. back to track. though i also got a rather shockin news, i managed to stay calm and strong. and made it throughout the day, memorizing everythin i had that day with - . ((;

THANKS THANKS THANKS for may 11th, 2010 , - !! thanks, God. ((;

updates

2010-05-09T16:03:00.004+07:00

okaaaay. been a while since the last time i give you updates on me. hhas
just bcos i got nothin else to do, i'll write some here. *winkk

the best news is.... i passed high school! whoopee! :DD
the announcement was on april 26th and thank God, my grade passed 100%! yaaaay :DD another good news, thank God, i managed to rank first for the national exams in my school. huaaaaaa thank thank thank thankkkkk GOD. HE is truly my rock, my way, my salvation. ((:

and.. the yearbook the committee (inc me) was working on is now on production. sooo.. bye bye crazy works : p

it's a totally super long holiday i'm facing now - not that i complain (yet) hhas. thankfully, i still have things to do. i now get super long free period to practice dancing and piano aaaall i want. also super long free time to write essays or poems, watch DVDs, texting.. hhas AND. the dancing practice for prom performance wif my class ((;

what else do i need to update...? mmm, well no idea for now. just kinda dying of boredom here. and i feel sooo lame for it's damn hot today. hhas running out of DVD supply. need some help!! : p

okaay. ciao for now. ((; godbless people, takecare..

teori saya

2010-05-04T20:16:00.005+07:00

teori saya

Saya punya sebuah teori.

Ketika seorang asing datang dan mengetuk pintu rumahmu, pertama-tama kamu mungkin akan merasa takut membukakannya pintu. Tetapi melihat senyumnya yang ramah dan pribadinya yang sepertinya menyenangkan, kamu memberanikan diri. Ragu-ragu kamu membuka pintu dan mempersilakannya masuk ke dalam rumahmu.

Ruang tamu menjadi perhentian pertama kalian. Dia membuka beberapa topik basa-basi sampai suasana perlahan mencair. Kamu mulai bisa tertawa lepas, sedikit santai menikmati keberadaannya. Sandaranmu di punggung sofa mulai rileks, matamu berani menatapnya kini. Kalian terus tertawa, bercanda, membicarakan hal-hal yang biasa dibicarakan orang yang baru berkenalan.

Lalu pertanyaan-pertanyaan mulai datang. Kalian tak kuasa terseret magnet rasa ingin tahu akan pribadi masing-masing. Seiring setiap pertanyaan yang terjawab, terbuka pertanyaan lain yang lebih dalam. Kalian semakin mengenal. Kamu mulai berani menghilangkan cap ‘orang asing’ pada dirinya. Kalian mulai menjadi teman.

Ketika itu pula, rasa takut mulai menyelusupi hatimu. Kamu ragu apakah ini hal yang bijaksana untuk dilakukan. Bagaimanapun juga, sebelumnya dia adalah orang yang asing. Bahkan mungkin, orang terakhir yang pernah terpikir olehmu untuk bisa menjadi sedekat itu. Kamu bisa menuliskan belasan bahkan puluhan halaman tentang kebiasaan-kebiasaan kecilnya. Sesuatu yang mungkin tak banyak orang memperhatikannya. Tetapi kamu mencoba membuang rasa khawatirmu dan menikmati saja proses yang terjadi. Kamu mengabaikan tanda tanya besar yang mulai terbentuk di hatimu.

Kalian semakin mengenal. Keberanianmu muncul. Kesempatan dan perkenalan ini mungkin saja hanya sekali dan tak berlangsung lama. Kamu pun nekad mengajaknya memasuki rumahmu lebih dalam lagi. Ruang keluarga adalah perhentian kedua kalian.

Lebih banyak hal terjadi. Bukan hanya mengobrol biasa, kalian saling mencari tahu lebih banyak lagi. Bahkan mungkin lebih banyak dari yang pernah kamu buka kepada orang lain. Kamu mulai mempercayainya. Meski kamu mencoba menjaga hatimu, kamu mulai kehilangan kendalimu atasnya.

Dia membuatmu tertawa, berpikir, merenung, bercerita, melakukan hal-hal bodoh, ingat dengan baik kapan waktu makan-mandi-tidur. Dia menjagamu waktu kamu sakit, menghiburmu waktu kamu sedih, bosan, gelisah ataupun takut. Dan begitu juga yang kamu lakukan padanya. Kalian berjalan-jalan bersama, hanya berdua dan sungguh tak ada orang lain yang tahu.

Tetapi, ada masanya juga dia membuat kamu menangis (meskipun akhirnya dia berkata, dia tak tahan mendengarmu menangis dan meminta maaf). Ketika waktu tidur tiba, kamu bahkan tak bisa terlelap karena memikirkan tanda tanya yang semakin besar di hatimu – ditambah perilakunya yang kadang aneh dan tak bisa ditebak.

Beberapa kali, kamu mencoba membulatkan hati untuk mengusirnya pulang. Dia harus kembali ke tempatnya berasal. Ke tempat kalian masing-masing seharusnya berada. Karena kamu menganggap ini semua pastilah cuma mimpi, kehidupan orang lain yang kamu pinjam untuk beberapa saat saja.

Tetapi kamu tak bisa. Kamu meminta maaf, dia meminta maaf. Kamu berjanji, dia berjanji. Kalian memperbaiki diri. Kalian berpura-pura tak ada yang terjadi. Kalian belajar tentang satu sama lain, apa yang harus dilakukan. Kamu tidak berani mengakui ada rasa sayang yang sepertinya mulai muncul. Kamu tidak mau. Kamu tidak sanggup.

Kamu masih yakin, akan ada masa di mana dia pasti meninggalkan kamu. Dan kamu tak mau hatimu harus hancur lagi karenanya. Jadi kamu membentengi dirimu dan bertahan di tingkat aman. Zona abu-abu. Keberadaannya di rumahmu adalah suatu rahasia yang seorangpun tak boleh tahu. (Bukan berarti kamu tidak serasa mau meledak karenanya.).

Tetapi hari itu tiba juga. Setelah berhari-hari ada perasaan aneh yang bergelung di perutmu, di hatimu, firasat itu telak menghantammu. Entah bagaimana kamu tahu tiba saatnya dia pergi dari rumahmu. Padahal, di saat yang bersamaan kamu pun harus pindah rumah. Sepertinya nasib sengaja bermain-main dengan kalian, mempersatukan dua orang asing di saat-saat rawan dan singkat. Tak bisa tidak sampai mau tak mau muncul rasa terikat. Kenapa harus pintu rumahmu yang dia ketuk? Tetapi kamu masih saja tersenyum meskipun ketakutanmu semakin memuncak.

Kamu takut. Kamu tak mau dia pergi. Kamu tak mau pergi. Kamu takut semua hilang dimakan jarak dan waktu. Kamu takut melupakan. Kamu takut dilupakan. Kamu takut tak sempat mengungkapkan. Tapi kamu juga takut untuk mengungkapkan. Toh dia belum tentu memikirkan yang kamu pikirkan. Jangan-jangan nanti semua malah hilang sungguhan. Lagipula akan ada yang lain yang tersakiti.

Jadi, kamu memilih untuk tetap diam. Menunggu saja dan berpura-pura bodoh, seakan tak ada yang akan terjadi. Tapi sampai kapan? Akankah sampai semuanya terlambat?

… Bagaimana, sejauh ini teori saya benar kan?

stop

2010-04-20T22:07:00.002+07:00

stop crying, you stupid girl
ARGHHH stop, stop, stop! mau ampe kapan lo begini chaaaa

this is where i got confused

2010-04-20T19:41:00.003+07:00

and this is where i got confused.
i'm really good at putting on a smile, i really am.
but hearts just don't lie, do they?
so i keep feeling this uneasy feeling, curling there right in my upper tummy
my heart keeps feeling like it's breaking up everytime i remember we are BOTH pretending.
you want this problem to be over?
I AGREE. let's solve it.
and stop pretending.

truly madly deeply

2010-04-05T21:55:00.002+07:00

kamu menjungkirkan harga diri saya.
tapi apa boleh buat?
rasa-rasanya saya sudah mulai senang main akrobat.
jungkir-balik sampai gila.

):

one outta three

2010-03-27T17:57:00.004+07:00

YAAAAYY! can you say "hallelujah"?
the national exam is FINALLY over! hhas (x
after all these months of preparation and determination, i and my fellow 12th graders finally managed to get thru it. :DD let's just hope it went well. we've done our best, and it's about time to let God do the rest. wish us the bestest of result, people!

the national exam was held for 5 days, lasting march 22nd - 26th with the following schedule:
mon : biology + indonesian
tue : english
wed : math
thurs : physics
fri : chem

well, i think i managed it best in bio and chem. kinda disappointed for math and physics, and almost certainly screwed up the indonesian. hhas let's just hope it's not ryte and i can get the best. *winkk

sadly, freedom isnt here yet to greet. i'll still have to work my ass during the upcoming three weeks, what with the lab tests, speaking and writing tests, and the school's final exams. sooo. your prayer is still needed here. hhas dont worry tho, i'll do better than my best cos i wont let my lurved ones, myself, and esp GOD down. you got my word here.

don't really have a story here. well to be exact, i DO have a story. hell, one hell of a story but i cant spill it here. nor anywhere. it's somethin only i know all the details and it starts dragging me to death. anyway. this is somethin i wrote in my cellphone before, just cos of a desperate need of throwin somethin out before my brain went into crash.

"i assume it will hit three days and more. *sigh. but it's probably better this way, back to the reality- back to how it's supposed to be. doesnt mean i'm not sad. in fact i DO feel miserable. but the past three and a half months had been those of the bestest time of my life. and.. i can choose to be pathetic cos it's finally over or i can rejoice for it happened. that's why.. i choose happiness, and more to it, gratitude. so, ******, thanks for colourin up my life and bring it into such a perspective i never thought i could have."

hhas yeaa, yeaa. it's the typical me. no matter what, you'll see me with a huge grin over my face. putting on a happy face. a mask? probably. it's just cos i dont want people to see me sad and gloomy. hell, i've always been the one listening to everyone's problems and i LURV it. totally. i dont wanna be the one who crashes and tells. hhas

eyy, btw, thanks for amanda and yosi for liking my poems yaa. hhas silly ones. my poems are always soo simple. really am not a poet material here. hhas but just as glad to know you guys appreciate it. : p will i get a chance to see yours??

some words

2010-02-16T15:11:00.003+07:00

i was on my desk, sitting, waitin for the bell to ring and end my bloody exams.
and there it went, words spluttering from my heart thru the hands. enjoy. (:
*it's in indonesian.

-KALAU AKU-
kalau aku tanya,
adakah kamu jawabnya?
kaujungkirkan saja siang-malamku
tergusarkan rasa yang setengah pasti
setengah mati

kalau aku nada,
adakah kamu suara?
yang mengubahnya menjadi nyata,
yang membawanya tak lagi maya?

tapi aku tanya
dan kamu lebih banyak tanya
tapi aku nada
lalu kamu lebih banyak nada

siapa yang menjawab?
siapa yang bersuara?
siapa yang membawanya nyata, tak lagi maya?

-AKU BUKAN-
kamu itu sastra
butuh seorang chairil untuk mengerti
butuh N.H. Dini untuk pahami

kamu itu berontak
butuh Che Gueavara untuk berderap
butuh Fidel Castro agar tak sekedar berharap

Tapi aku bukan Chairil, aku tak mengerti
aku bukan N.H. Dini, aku tak pahami
bukan Gueavara, tak bisa samai derapmu
Dan karena aku juga bukan Fidel Castro,
hanya lewat harap aku bisa menyentuhmu.

-TAK BERANI BICARA-
aku mau sepi
aku mau api
kata yang ingin sampai namun terhenti

aku ingin bulan
aku ingin jiwa
cukup terang yang temaram
dan asa

tak perlulah temali nyali
sudahlah nafas untuk penuhi
satu-dua kata untuk sadari
cukup kamulah yang di hati

new year, new life

2010-01-01T21:28:00.005+07:00

here's a lil something to close the year 2009 :DD
once upon a time, there was a grand wedding. so grand, that all the guests caught breath. the couples were considered as the best couple in the world. everything was soo beautiful it felt almost like a dream. but then, something unexpected happened anyway. the bride accidentally tripped and fell on top of the wedding cake. long after the wedding party was over, people would remember that day. but - not the beauty or the grandness of it. instead, people remembered only the accident and forgot the rest of it: all the beautiful memories, the best couples in the world...
weird, isn't it? good things tend to be quickly buried and forgotten, being only an-everyday-stuff. whilst, bad things, even if it's just one little thing, tend to be the focus of all times. perhaps, that's all because we, people, tend to focus on negative things that happen to us. hopefully, as this year ends, we can cherish all the good memories, and learn from the bad ones. cherish every moment.. for the present time is a gift. it's a treasure. and it's up to us.. :))
goodbye 2009, welcome 2010..

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!!

now.. im gonna tidbit ya with my new year's eve celebration. lols
soo i had the celebration at church, with my youth fellows. i was the MC with mikey, my friend. also i was one of the committee - the one that went around making the rundowns, making sure the party was going well.. well, you get the picture. lols yeaa with dyah, yola and thomas. huge huge thanks for them. adrian was the head and taufan was the p.i.c. even bigger thanks to them. hhas and AAALL the fellow committee. lurv you guys! nice job. :DD

the party was a blast. i was afraid that it might be a NYE disaster but.. it didnt! yayy. the event started 45MINS too EARLY! and we were like "omygosh! what the hell we gonna do now?" "just go with the flow!" "hey MC, go up there and say anythin that'll prolong everythn!" "heck?!"

yeaa again, you get the idea. hhas but aaaaaaahhh mikey and i managed anyway to get in running on time in the timeline. fuuuuh!! u just wont know how thankful we were. hhas so we charged in a lil somethin that wasnt originally planned - a crazy games. clue? included a lotta kisses but not in the mouth! hhas and we got cencors too. dont worry. hhas

big thanks for those who have performed last nite and made the party a blast:
the bands : LACR. tadeo latte. XOT
the dancers: s'crew. greenjail - thanks guys! greenjail performed with only 5mins preparation! hhas you guys rawkk. really.
the rapper: taufan a.k.a. t-bone feat. yongky a.k.a. Y_Q

and all those i cant mention one by one. :DD huge huge thankss to yaaa. hope this new year brings us moreee blessings! and may God always bless us.

the pics should wait anyway. gotta wait for those photographers to upload it. hhas
smell ya later! :DD

*a lil mellow spot here..
i want to give my appreciation and would like to honor..
the late abdurrahman wahid (former president of indonesia)
the late frans seda (former minister of monetary)
the late The Rev (A7X drummer)
who passed away by the end of 2009. may God honor all the goods you created here on earth, and may all your works never be forgotten by the world.

tick tock 2009.2010

2009-12-26T14:59:00.003+07:00

tick tock.. tick tock..

wishing you:
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS 2009
may HIS blessings be poured unto us -
delivering us brand new and better to the new year.

Godbless all.. :))
<3<3<3

a glimpse of my christmas - xmas carolling time:

chin - cha - beat - sisil - jessica - billy - cath

billy - taufan - cha - sisil - cath - chin - jessica - beat

can't tell you much for now. cus i gotta roooll! hhas see ya'!

christmas gifts

2009-12-23T07:42:00.004+07:00

well, hello there people! :D:D
xmas is coming but i've already got so many xmas gifts. from GOD. :))

first thing first..
i, thank God, had been accepted to international studies in parahyangan university, bandung! :D:D whoopeee! thru a special submittance program (PMDK) and thank-thank God, i got the scholarship. fuuuuhh.. :)) i would not be able to go thru all that without HIS help. thanks, thanks be to YOU, God..

there's another rather.. disappointing but at the same time relieving news. well, we'd just got our semestrial reports on the 21st. i've been asking God to at least let me be in the top 5. but i was, surely, full of doubt. i doubted that i'd even make it into the top 5. considering.. how much times i've been sick during the semester, how hectic my church and students' body are, and of course.. just how lazy ive got this year. but despite my incompetence, God managed - somehow - to work on me afterall. so yeah, this is my first experience ever to be outta the top 3, but at least.. i still got the top 5. i placed 4th this semester, how disappointing. lols but anyways. i'm thankful. i really am. :))

well, now it's holiday all the way. got a bunch on my way ryte now, like xmas carolling, xmas concert, and of course, the new year's eve celebration! lols just cant wait for xmas. such a special, special day.

talking about special day, anyone knows what day was yesterday? right! mother's day. :)) the perfect time for us to reflect on what our mothers have done and how WE have been treating her all this time. it was a special day for mom and me, especially since there are only the two of us now in the family. i pretended to forget the mother's day, not even giving her a kiss or a greeting. but then, after the whole day out on my cousin's house, i got her to the computer. i showed her the movie i made her. and there she watched it, cried a lil, and we hugged. awww hhas emotional. i know.

yesterday was also a special day for my dearest cousin, ben atta. his 15th bday! hhas i wish u aaaall the bestest, bro! :))

well, i'll show you guys the video i made for my mom sometimes. but now, i gotta hurry! the meeting for new year's eve celebration committe is waiting for meh. hhas ciao now!

twodaystillxmas.

these late days

2009-12-07T23:02:00.008+07:00

soo! wuzzup you, hotties? lols im back with a hella story. where to begin?
well, why dont we begin it from the friggin final exam for this semester? lols yum, great appetizer indeed.

so, nov 30th - dec 4th, we the 12th graders were havin our semestrial exam. and to make it even worse, my body picked just the exact same time to get effinly sick. TYPHOID SYNDROME. FVK! i could barely study and i even skipped the first day. i couldnt get up from my bed. *sigh. smart move, cha. but thank God, in spite of my incompetent body and my incapability of studying all that time, i still managed to get thru it all... well, probably not brilliantly, but at least.. enuf, to get me outta hell. hhas but that doesnt include math. think i flunked that one. hhas just.. wish me the bestest of luck, people!

and talkin bout luck and wishes.. the announcement for unpar (parahyangan university) special submittance is coming! so.. wish me the bestest of luck, people! *wink

but despite it all, thank God for partayy this weekend! :D:D well, two actually. hosted by bigel and chrysan. but i was asked to help around and already promised to abigail. so.. said no to chrysan, and i came to abigail's. it took place on MU (manchester united) cafe in thamrin. the venue was like, soo cool. hhas lurv it. the foods? yum! delicioso. :D:D so thankies biggie, for inviting me. and, chrysan.. i'm terribly sorry! happy bday anyways.. :):)

agnes - mara - mel - moi - maura

jules - maura - moi - ditta

cha - adel

erika - mega - cha- nez - dini -agnes - mel

inez - tasia (only her hands appeared. hhes sorry) - cha -jules - ditta

csy - moi - nez - del

csy - nez - moi - jules - del

too crowded! lols but ure gonna find me on the left. :DD

fufufu. yeaaa that's all for now. :D:D hhe btw, will have a hang outttt and a possible photo session with my old pals, manda D.W., adel, ita, nana this weds. cant wait! :D:D toodley-o!

cocoarazy

2009-11-22T21:30:00.005+07:00

well, hello my dear ones. :D:D im back again.
how u doin guys?? not bored yet to read my stuffs, hopefully. lols
well, i'll just be quick tonite - since ive got plenty to do for tomorrow. but something had been disturbing me these few hours. it's again about.. justice. hha im not trying to be a judge or something. i kno way too well that im still far far away from good enuf. lols

anyways. did u hear the latest news of an old woman, brought to justice for intending to steal THREE cocoa fruits?? the court was about to sentence her six months in prison but then reduced it to 1.5 with 3 months trial. well, then i saw the lady. she was so thin and seemed so vulnerable. it broke my heart to see her trudge along the way to the studio where she was gonna be interviewed. and it broke my heart even worse when i heard the complete story.

she was working on the farm when she then decided to take those three fruits. she meant to use them as seeds for her own garden. i extremely can understand that - especially since my leadership training. the poors were merely treated well with just barely enuf salary - they got no choice and if they wanted to survive, they shud do anything it takes to keep living. it's just fact. but then her supervisor knew it. she had apologised and given the fruits back to the supervisor - who brought them who knows where. then a month after, she was called to the police office and not so long after, brought to justice.

why is it that this kinda problem - which we can call, well, small problem - cant be solved with just a well-mannered discussion (in indonesian term, cara kekeluargaan.. hhas) ?? why oh why, instead of that, it is the big ones that can be solved that way??

i heard the process was so quick - without too much "blablabla". then i started wondering. hell yeah. justice for the poors. and justification for the rich. HHA pure sarcasm. isnt it unfair, that a poor old lady - so easily brought to justice, nearly prisoned for six months in her late life, just because of THREE FRIGGIN COCOA FRUITS?? while those corruptors and court mafia can just throw the money and still live happily ever after. a justification - done by enuf money. ARGHH. think my head's gonna blow. i mean.. it just seems funny, dont u think??

in fairy tales, the poors and the oppressed shall live happily ever after in the end. guess that's why it's called tale and not real life. cus in real life, that just doesnt freakin happen.

or maybe - and hopefully, it doesnt happen just because it's not the end yet - but it someday will??

symphony orchestra

2009-11-20T20:58:00.003+07:00

classical music. you guys lurv it?? :D:D
what a perfect coincidence!

santa ursula bsd proudly presents:

a perfect nite to cherish with your loved ones and romantic symphony on the background. only IDR 50,000! LOVELY! :D:D

pre-order ticket, contact:
acha - doodleyscratch.blogspot.com thru the chatbox. :D:D

muchos gracias!!

dancing around

2009-11-17T21:40:00.004+07:00

gaby - niken - vita - acha - indira - claudia

ila - gaby - acha

vita - acha - claudi

niken- acha - ila

curious..? hhas yep, thats moi - performing contemporary traditional dance in:
nikko hotel, thamrin
13.11.09 pk 19.30
yaski 40th anniversary (christian radio stations inc. heartline FM, etc.)
indira, niken, acha, gaby, claudia, vita

we got this job from mr.imam - our dance teacher back at school.
it was our first experience and it RAWK! hha
i also got a souvenir to bring home - a scar.
how come, u ask?? hhas here goes:
when we were doing GR on stage, i suddenly stepped on somethin.
well, yes i felt that "sumthin" pierced my left foot but i didnt really realise - for i was so into the dance. hhas then i began to feel the pain, and when i stole a quick look on it...
DAYUUUUMM. i had a nail on my left foot.
yes. a nail. pierced. on my left foot.
hhas and all i managed to think about was "fvk."
but still my lame brain wasnt smart enuf that nite to really understand the pain. hhas i didnt even scream. i just realised bluntly that i had a nail on my feet and i HAD TO keep dancing. for the sake of profesionalism. hhas
so i continued dancing, tried to ignore the ever growing pain till i almost reached the end of the dance. and i just couldnt stand it any longer.
i limped to the edge of the stage where mr.imam had been waiting for me. he caught me - i was almost knocked down to my knees - and asked "what's goin on?"
i gave him a weak silly smile and said, "i had a nail on my foot."
he took a look on it and told me not to see it, and he pulled it outta me. hhas
OUCH. now that hurt. lols
then one of the backstage crew - this was the part that freaked me out the most - also got to me. he held my injured foot and massaged it a lil with - please note this - his dirty fingers from doing backstage work. he - i cant find more suitable word - squeeze my foot and made the blood flooded out. ARRRGGGGGH. i dont want an infection, thankies. but i didnt give any comment. i just sat there, giving my thankful look - hiding my fear of the infection. hhas
well then the shitty part was over. i bandaged the injured part of the foot, practiced walking and dancing a bit - just to make sure that i still could dance.

and voila! hhas thankies God, i could manage to perform the dance well with the girls. despite the pain that came right after i got off the stage. hhe the news of the girl that got a nail on her foot spread wide that nite. everywhere i went in that grand ballroom, people would ask me, "ahhh, aren't u the girl that got a nail on ur foot?" and i could only smiled. hhas

we also met a wedding organizer that asked for my number - in case she needed dancers. sooo. wish us luck people. we mightve got our next job before we kno it. hhe

toodles for now!

uberlife

2009-11-15T20:50:00.005+07:00

hhas will u guys please give me a warm welcome??? :D:D
yipppeee. welcome back to blogging world, me!
i have, like, tons to share. uberlife indeed!

first thing first.. about my leadership training program, took place on nov 4-7. lols
yeaaa like centuries ago but whateva!! take it or leave it. ;)
it was aaaawesome. a brand new and totally different experience than anythn ive ever had. we discussed about human rights like over and over again, so on as it grew deeper n more critical, n i'm literally shocked to see just how much injustice we can see in our daily lives!
so we watched a number of movies i'd like u to see, but too bad i cant show u any. the first - probably the most shocking one - is called the new rulers of the world. the rest of it?? well sorry, cant tell! it's like top secret, i suppose. lols

LARI 2009

the point is, from that program, i discovered much, much self-awareness. i mean, it's the more i realise that i need - we need - to do somethin more. in our world today, people wont even notice of somethin called deception - created by those superpowerful elites of the world. we probably have never even realised of how much time we spend individually, careless about the rest of the world. unaware of those, poorly in need, in africa or papua. unaware of those, poorly jobless, in america or jakarta. we've been way too much distracted with our self and our daily life.
pity, we dont even realise that so much of our rights, here in indonesia, have been "hijacked" by those very people. water, electricity, education, health, job... they're all supposed to be ours - the people - but in fact, they're not ours. does government help? well probably in the slightest bit, but it's still too faraway from what we shd expect them to provide us.
so, who are these elites of the world? well, look around and see, guys. i won't tell you. figure out yourself, won't you?? an open discussion will be warmly welcomed. :):)

and movin onn.. still related to my leadership training program.
the next day after LARI (my leadership team) got home from the training program, or to be precise on nov 08, the 21 members of LARI joined the demonstration to support the heads of indonesian corruption eradication commission. it took place at bundaran HI (near plaza indonesia) and it rawkk! it was our first time joining a demonstration and we've already attracted so much attention. lols people probably were curious to see our young faces, all in white-shirts that day.

the tionghoa youth community asked us to enter a discussion with them someday, kompas *a national newspaper* interviewed some of us, even the demonstration committee offered us a chance to be on stage! hhas too bad that they already reached the time limit so we didnt have the chance at last. but that's awkay! it was stilll rawwwkk!! :D:D
ooh! i almost forgot. we also met n had a chat with one of the stars of republik mimpi *a politic parody on one of the private tv stations*. his name was effendi gazali, and he offered us to come and see the premiere of republik mimpi!! hha hope it all would come truue!!

movin on and onn.. to yesterday! lols
yesterday, my girls (cissy, inez, jessi, desi - too bad adel couldn make it) and i had a girls nite out to grand indonesia, thamrin, jakarta. woohoo.. yes, yes a blast indeed. it was hawt. :D:D
but somethin bad happenned on our way home. when jessi n inez (both were seated on the very rear side of the car) were taking photos of each other, inez caught a picture of jessi alone with a shape of a face beside her! *gosh, i had a shiver even now when im writin it.
everyone was screamin and i tried to maintain calm. gargh. u kno how chicken i am n it was like so hard for me to do. but i kno my girls, esp jessi desi cissy, they would definitely freak out. so i tried to keep calm, i suggest them to take a deep breath, just pray silently, try to think of somethin else, and i asked for the cam-d. i asked for their permission to erase the pic *for as far as i kno, if u saved a ghost pic in, it'll follow u or bring u bad luck.
the rest of the way home?? we calm ourselves by singing praise&worship songs and do a lil karaoke after that. lols it was effin scary! but it definitely completed the night, a nite to remember in our senior yirr!! :D:D *pics later.

ciao for now. starving like hell.
toodles! :):):)

*i'll tell u later bout my dance performance, nov 13 at nikko hotel, thamrin, jakarta.

woooow

2009-10-25T20:17:00.004+07:00

wiii.. hey again, folks! :D:D
lots, and i mean LOTS, have been goin on. lols

firstly, let me proudly state thaaaaat::
FOSIL is officially DONE!! with quite a huge success *biggrin :D:D
detail: pls visit fosil-sanurbsd.blogspot.com

i totally lurv fosil and am soo proud of it.
not just because of my effort, but especially cus the effort of ALL the committee.
congrats for komang, the captain of this marvelous team..
congrats for adelein, the one that got us a HEAP of money from sponsors. lols
congrats to us all, osis sma st. ursula BSD!! :D:D
and thx for all ur participation.
i remember dreaming of fosil when we first concocted it in our leadership training on februari 09. but i never really thought that it would be this GREAT! :D:D
no regret that i've been sick or exhausted preparing this with all the team. it's all worth it.

everyone was so crazy about barry likumahuwa project *thanks for your special performing guys, u RAWWKK.
and also greenjail and sanggar anak akar orchestra *u ARE amazing.
everyone also loves the jacket potato *gudluck on ur first album! :D:D
so BIG, BIG, BIG thankkkkkkks to you all.
thanks for everyone involved! :D:D

and noww, move on to the next subject which is...
my first job ever. hha

1. being an MC at my friend's 17th blastday (ferenly ramaputri - 24.10.09 @nelayan resto)
i MCed *is there such form?? lols whateva* with my friend erick, an expert in MC field. lols and thank God, it went well. we completed each other nicely! yeaaaa. :D:D so thanks, feren, for givin me such great opportunity. lols and hippsy blastday, dear!!

2. being a wedding singer at my mom's boss' daughter's engagement *phew. lols
i sang "sunday morning" by maroon five and thank God, no one fainted when they heard me singin. lols the audience said my singing was great and im like, sooo relieved. ;);) that song's definitely one of my faves. well, who isnt?? a great, great number from maroon5. jazz with a lil sweet touch of rock. N-I-C-E. :D:D

well, that's all for today, people.. hope ur days were just as great. :D:D
signin off!

adam g. sevani

2009-10-20T23:19:00.001+07:00

ADAM G. SEVANI -- friggin rocks! x)

mixed up mashed up

2009-10-20T20:24:00.002+07:00

FIRST:
HIPPSY BLASTDAY FOR MY MOM - oct 18th
HIPPSY BLASTDAY FOR YOSUA!! - oct 20th
wish u aaaall d bestest my dearie ones.. Godbless always. :D:D

well, it's been a while. lols and let me just say..
HAPPY TO HAVE FOSIL GOING ON! :D:D still, wish us the bestest luck, people..

thenn. a lil to spill.
i just had another breakdown monday. outta nowhere, i had a vertigo!
come on. for god's sake. where d hell it all comes?? ive never had any record on vertigo before. arghh. hate it. *blame it on gavin, since he's my foster bro with just the same disease. infecting me..? it's possible. lols

i mean, it caused me to stay home all those hours and nearly made me MISSED FOSIL! gosh. thank god, i could gather my will and it suffices to get my ass to school. got thru the last period *read:physics, and joined the opening ceremony. *even if from the sickbed. lols

literally, with that vertigo going on, i could barely stand up on my toes! dang. my vision was blurred, everything around me just keep spinnin round n round n roundd.. so gavin wasnt exaggerating afterall. :D:D lols

yes. so the true reason i wasnt at school, monday 1st-7th period, is... not bcus i had to deal with fosil stuffs, but bcus i asked mdm.eri *the principal* to let me skip some periods till i got better. and even till the last second, i didnt get any better. but i forced my ass to get up and get to school. I WON'T MISS MY DEARIE BABY, FOSIL! i wont miss it for the whole world. >.< i mean, ive spent almost my entire life in these last months for fosil. vertigo shouldnt be able to keep me away from it, dammit. ;)

and ow. u might ask why i told lie, and why i didnt just admit that id been sick.
well *thank God only very few read this blog* i dont really like people to know that im sick. it's easier for me to pretend that im fine and just fine. cus then, people wont have to worry about me. i can do the works im eager to do. i can be just a normal teenager.

pathetic? hemm. i tried not to be. lols

okay, i actually have this whole crap i wanna talk about. like this one philosophy i'd like u guys to know, and my opinion for sby-boediono *since they'd just been inaugurated inodnesian president+vice president for 2009-14 period.

but sadly, they all gotta wait. lols i could barely form a correct sentence ryte now. shd wait till my head gets in place. :D:D

can i ask u guys to pray for me..? i dun wanna be the "sick-girl". i just wanna be me. the strong lively happy playful acha. :):):)

thank u a bunch!

something to think

2009-10-04T16:45:00.004+07:00

today, well to be precise, just now.. ive got a bunch to think about.
so much that i dont even kno where to begin.

but let's start with the very first.
eathquakes in indonesia.
tasikmalaya - west java, padang - west sumatera, jambi - sumatera, manokwari - papua.
i could only say, im really sorry for all the victims. i can say that i know how they all feel, but it would be such a bullsh*t. no, i dunno how the hell it feels for i have never been in their shoes. and to be honest, no matter how selfish, i actually pray to God not to be in their shoes.
but this tragedy reminds me of how fragile humans are. how insignificant we are to this earth, how nature can squeeze and crush us in no time. while we keep being ignorant, aphatist, and insisting on controlling our mother earth. but the fact is, we cant. if nature decides to shake and crack, what on earth could we do? except praying and do our best to survive, to preserve our existence.
life is short and future is unpredictable. well, we can hypothetize and theoretize. and we actually know what might happen if we still insist on doing what we've been doing for centuries - which is destroying our own habitat.
but gosh, we can be so blind and stubborn! it's a tough fight, to resist our nature to dominate and control. to master the earth and the nature. it's a tough fight, to stop our old habit.
i myself often lose the fight. but i've decided not to quit.
earthquakes, you can say, is not the matter of human's act. it's just.. natural. we dont move the plates and cause the earthquake, right? well, maybe you're ryte. but here it is. do you think it can be a signal to remind us, that we're nothing without nature? and above all, without God?
do you think we can finally survive? once again, deal with the nature and be friends? create the peace we all succumb to fight for? preserve this earth for our future generation?
the answer is in our very hands, and apparently, especially in the hands of my very own generation.

and then, i read this blog of a junior.
http://cowogaadakerjaan.blogspot.com/
a must-visit. really masculin, with a nice sense of humor, and the most important: stuffed with this whole heaps of matters to think about. simple but important daily questions we all ask to ourselves.
most of the posts get me thinking about life. the reasons and purpose why i'm still alive up to this very moment. the heavenly plan, God's plan for me.
i dont really know. all i want is to do something good for the world. for my family and friends. for all my beloved ones. for myself, and especially for God.
but it's especially his posts on sept6th and 13th that get me thinkin. he's a junior and he's already thinking about his future. he already realises the needs to grow up, to let go of the delusion and comfort of being a child. that the earth keeps spinnin, the time keeps runnin, and you should get on it before you get left behind. that you should make the most of your every breath and be thankful to God.
WELL, I'M A SENIOR.
yes, i've thought about my future. i realise the needs to grow up and focus on my future. but i still dont take the full responsibility, i think. i mean, i know what major i wanna take for college. i know what career i wanna pursue. but.. i think i'm not 100% sure. it all still feels like a dream for me, like it's not real.
but HELL-O, missy. wake up. it's real. R-E-A-L. so get ur ass up and work it out, girl!
i will make the best of my senior year. i will work hard and never quit. i will do my tasks. i will walk the long and rocky path for i believe that the end is worth every second of my perseverance.
i will fight! i can do it! yeaaa! i can rise and shine!! and you all can do it too!! yeaaa!!
open up the jack daniel and have a toast. a toast for this life! celebrate every second and take God with you along the journey. and everything will be just fine!! yea!!
*a lil bit too much, don'cha think?? lols honestly, i kinda get fired up.
so thanks joshua, though u probably dunno, but ur blog has burned my spirit once again! :D:D

and last. this one's a bad news.
comes from one of my besties, a sad story.
a story of how one can do things, extreme things, because of general stereotype.
a story of how one want to change herself so bad, how one cant love herself.
all because this shit called stereotyping:
skinny = beautiful. beautiful = skinny.
fat people suck. students with lots of bad score are actually useless.

HELL. how i wanna throw those who make those stereotypes to a pond of sharks!
i mean, it'll be beautiful if that makes my bestie, and whole other people that are just so insecure bout theirselves because of it, wanna change in ryte n good way.
oops, but nope. it's way too simple. she needs to change in an instant stupid way. way that will get her sick, really sick.
and i'm honestly frustrated! i mean, what the hell can i do?? how can i change her perspective, her WRONG judgment on herself??
it made me feel useless as a bestfriend. i'm out of ideas. i've tried all the methods. i've tried the slow and gentle approach, a harsh speech..
and finally, i just gave her all my opinions. that we are all beautiful in our own ways, we all can shine. it all matters to what we think, not what THEY think. and this situation is just perfect to classify those who are her true friends from those who are not, those who truly lurv her the way she is and those who dont.
then i left her to think it over. i could only say, 'ive given u my thoughts. and now ure a grown up. i believe u know the right decision. ur heart does. i believe u'll make the right decision. i believe in you. i love you.'
i can only hope that actually makes her realise the truth.

honey, i lurv u! u ARE beautiful.

please, guys. pray with me.
for the victims of natural disasters all around the world.
for the victims of wars.
for the victims of corruption, injustice, stereotyping.
and for my bestie.

please..? i'll thank u my whole life..
Godbless ya people. hope this can get u thinking.
hope this can help u make the right choice.
signing off.. :):)

marching with legio

2009-09-27T20:24:00.005+07:00

hey people! :D:D back again.
and as i promised u guys, i brought u a bit more story. lol

yesterday i went to bandar djakarta alam sutera. a nice nice seafood restaurant, indeed. i went there with my friends from legio mariae junior n we had so muchh fun. i just cant write it down. *tell u later why.

moi and chinchin

moi and chinchin, in front of the harvest -
fyi, their opera cake is TO DIE for. lol

mary *my foster cutie lil sista* and moi -
you see the bowl in front of her?? it has a nasty mixture of ice cream, chilli, iced tea and ketchup in it. one word. EWW. lol

mary *my foster cutie lil sista* and moi

the whole recis family :D:D

and now.. i'll tell u why i just dont feel like doin any writin now. *sigh
im just feeling terrible. i swore to myself that it doesnt mean anythin to me, that i dont care like, hell-with-it. but i dunno. it keeps bugging me to death. it annoys me. i cant tell u "the thing" tho.. ARGH. i dont care. i dont care. he can go the hell with it. ARGH, ARGH ARGH ARGH. ARGH.

ARGH.

life is a circus

2009-09-26T17:27:00.007+07:00

so folks, signing in again! lol
and i'm proud to say that most of my holiday tasks HAVE been done. whoopeee! *applauding :D:D

whilst.. of course, i still spend most of this holiday by spinnin' around in town. ;)
25.09.09 was a big day, i went with my mom and childhood nanny to.... *for the first time in my whole 17-years life* a CIRCUS! :D:D an oriental circus, to be precise. it was awesome, really. located in greencove, bsd city - but in a limited time only. just till oct 14th. so guyssss. i suggest u to see it! :D:D

they have elephants, tigers, amazing acrobatic stuffs and clowns... they have poodles, chimpanzee, exotic birds.. well i hope i dont miss any. lol yea but you get the idea. and since a picture worth a thousand words, i'll just show you the pics i took there. but please forgive my lame camera. i used my cellphone and the camera sucked. lol

the main gate

the elephant

the flame attraction

the amazingly flexible girl - in the picture, she's holding 6 chandeliers (on her feet, hands, mouth and forehead)
while doing that... kinda thing. u know, flippin her body. lol
i dunno what it's called. but it's AMAZING.

the childhood nanny and me

the mother and me

the chimpanzee

the tiger -
climbing a pole to get fresh meat, yumm

12 people riding A bike - ONE bike

one of the clowns *dwarf-man* and moi

one of the acrobatic girls and moi

will be back with more stories! :D:D ciao, people!

more on holiday

2009-09-23T19:12:00.007+07:00

hiiyaa there, people! :D:D

first, let me just congrats u, my folks, who celebrate eid ul-Fitr.. happy eid mubarak! i hope we can all be better brand new people, yea?? :D:D

now, im back with more on my holiday - and less on the task. lols yeaa. deal with it. im slackin all my holiday task. the reading list, the computer homework.. but hell. i still got friday. lols

soo. last saturday i had a girls-day-out with my mom to PIM n teko. i watched g-force at blitz and it was damn funny. lols a must-see, people!! it's probably typical but it's quite entertaining. soo.. still A-list. :D:D

and todaaaay. oh gosh. i set my foot at Grand Indonesia (GI) for the first time. lol tacky, i kno. but forgive me for living faraway from it with no driver! ;) went there with my foster sista, k dian. just the two of us. what a nice date. lols n we had fun! along with a pile of photos too.

fyi, for u who havent gone to GI - locals or foreigners, well.. u shd, guys! definitely. it's amazingly decorated. it has, like, districts that have different interior each. hemm. u can find japanese district, chinese, persian, new york.. and there's a singing fountain too! it's awesome. coolness, people! :D:D it has fab fashion districts and restos, but unfortunately i didnt have my lunch there. i had it in sushitei plaza indonesia - also recommended. lol

shot some pics at GI. wanna see?? :D:D

till the next post! :D:D Godbless ya people..

it's officially H-O-L-I-D-A-Y!

2009-09-18T20:53:00.003+07:00

yay!! it's officially H-O-L-I-D-A-Y, babyy! whoohooo! lol

i've had a lot goin on these past few weeks, but unfortunately, i just got no time to post it. teehee. well, first of all, let me just say "happy idul fitri" for those celebrating it. i apologise for all the bad i've done, intentional or unintentional. :):):) may we be a bunch of whole new better people. alryte? ;D

and nooow. off to my coverage. :D:D
aug 29th - sept 4th i went on a live-in. ya know, it's like a program that lets people live a country life, as an inhabitant. *read: a life-like model of harvestmoon. lol

anyways. it was a program from my skul n it took place in mount kidul - yogyakarta. i myself was placed in a village named logantung, which was - thank goodness - not as bad as the other villlages. i mean, it at least has enough water. :D:D

the family i lived in was GREATT. i lurv them. i lurv them as if i'd known them all my life. the mother (mrs.rubiyah), well it felt like she was my own mother. while the father (mr.sunardi) worked very hard and thus wasnt around home for much. but still, when he was home, he would show great, great care to us (i got stefani as my roommate). there, i had additional three siblings. one big bro (mas koko), one big sista (mbak tuti), and one baby bro (aris) *well he's actually 4thgrader.

the father *from now on will be referred as MY father* works as a school gamekeeper. he also works at the construction.. basically, anything he can do to boost up his family. he also has this land filled with tobacco, corns, and stuffs.. but still, their lives aint nowhere near "grand".

but they were just so sweet. they might not have a glamorous life and stuffs but they definitely have a life. a great one, if i may say so. they were all tough, grateful, religious, caring.. they valued life a big time and lived it to the very most. they taught me, like heaps of things. they gave me love and i really, really, really lurv them. *gosh i can even start cryin.

i won't forget the nights we spent together, laying on in front of the house, staring at the night sky, laughing... i won't forget the day we played fireworks together, seeked for coconuts, joking by the bonfire..

ya shd know, i cried like a baby when i had to leave them. i didnt stop even when we'd reached like half the way to the church of kelor. lol yeaa i know i know. baby. but what else could i do, ryte?? *err probably try to act mature? teehee. i would, i promise ya. later. nyehehe

and that's the story of my live-in program. :):):) *sighs

after live-in, i took a day off school to go to surabaya for a famster occation. i'd better not post it exactly here, cus it will cause me some trouble. lols

oow!~ btw. may i just announce that the youth mass themed "up-time" in my church had been succesfully held. *hoorraaay! and FOSIL is still on progress. just wish us luck, peop! :D:D come onnnn, join up y'all... i beg you. lol we'll have blp. *wink

eits. though i forgot something. :D:D somethin that had made my day - or i shd say my week. lol ya know, this week has been like a total hell on earth. 8, and let me point out, E-I-G-H-T, tests! come on. that's gotta be a joke, ryte? but thank goodness they're all OVER. *yay me! lol

wait. back again to the "somethin that had made my week". yea. so this something had practically given me the strength i needed to get from one day to another this week. everytime i wanted to blow my own head with a gun, i just needed to think of that somethin, n i felt energized once more! x) magical, ryte?? i literally counted the days till i get to see that somethin again, but unfortunately, i wont be seeing it this week. lol

well, c'est la vie. we cant get anything we want. otherwise, there won't be any war, ryte? lol

anyways. i'll finally set my foot upon pim after all these weeks! whoopee! :D:D i could smell it.. yumm. *or yuck? lol overreacting, sorry.* and hopefully, GI too - next week with my foster sista, k dian. gvn did beg at one point to come along but im not sure if he's even coming afterall. lol

and here... are some pics from these past few weeks.

anyways. you'll be hearing again from me. soon enough - cus this is H-O-L-I-D-A-Y afterall. toodles! :D:D

INDONESIA-ku part 2

2009-08-27T23:19:00.002+07:00

INDONESIA-ku part 2

wah, sekarang saya uda bisa nulis ini dengan lebih tenang. ahaha
saya makin lama makin berpikir. makin banyak yang saya denger, makin banyak yang saya tahu, saya pun makin berpikir. *yaealahh. hwe2

hemm. denger berita-berita yang bilang, kalo malaysia mengklaim budaya kita kayak batik, wayang, bahkan juga keris... emang sakit hati.
tapi, denger brita-berita yang bilang, malaysialah yang melakukan penelitian dan pendekatan secara scientific terhadap budaya-budaya indonesia tersebut... weh. campur-aduk.

malu. miris. tersindir.

saya jadi inget lagi, quote ny seorang budayawan indonesia *lupa namanya
yang berbunyi begini, "mungkin benar, suatu hari nanti... dunia takkan menghargai bangsa yang MENEMUKAN suatu budaya, melainkan bangsa yang MELESTARIKAN dan MENGEMBANGKAN budaya tersebut."

gila. sungguh pas. mendorong kita buat berkaca. dan brtanya.

apa yang salah??

kalau kita bilang globalisasi yang salah, yang bikin orang indonesia khususnya kalangan muda, jadi cenderung ga cinta-cinta amat sama budaya indonesia... ah. kok kayaknya seperti menghindari kesalahan.

memang, globalisasi sedikit-banyak memiliki peran dalam hal memudarnya kebudayaan indonesia di negeri sendiri. tapi... yang harus dipertanyakan, kenapa ya di negara kita, globalisasi memiliki dampak yang sampai sebegitu rupa?? di negara-negara lain... mungkin globalisasi ga bikin budaya negaranya sampai hilang atau redup begitu aja.

misalnya, lihatlah india. lihatlah jepang, yang sangat menjunjung budaya dan kekhasan negaranya sendiri. dan bahkan, di indonesia pun ada contoh yang cukup nyata tentang bagaimana globalisasi tidak sekuat itu mempengaruhi masyarakat. yaitu di bali. salah satu dari sedikit tempat yang masih AMAT-SANGAT menjaga budaya dan adatnya.

apa yang salah dong ya?? hemm. kompleks. pembahsannya dibatasi mengenai kaum muda aja kali yaa.

yaa, kalau menurut saya, di kalangan muda sendiri, akar nasionalisme ny itu sendiri sangat lemah. ga cukup kuat untuk menghadapi terpaan globalisasi yang bisa dibilang semacam meninabobokan, menyembunyikan realita kehidupan, menawarkan kenikmatan. dari sisi orangtua dan keluarga, dewasa ini kayaknya dikit banget yang ngajarin atau nanemin nilai-nilai nasionalisme ke anaknya. semua cenderung memikirkan ke arah "global global global".

anak disekolahin di sekolah internasional. diberi kebebasan untuk mengambil lifestyle ala barat. di rumah banyakan ngomong inggris daripada pakai bahasa ibu. anak didorong untuk ambil beasiswa di luar negeri, kerja di sana, dapet jodoh orang sana, amin-amin dapat greencard dan sekalian aja ganti kewarganegaraan.

nah lho??

tapi, tindakan orangtua itu bukannya nggak beralasan. jelas, ortu mau yang terbaik buat anaknya kann. dan bisa dilihat, sistem pendidikan indonesia sendiri seringkali masih ga cukup menunjang perjalanan edukasi kalangan muda. ga heran banyak ortu lebih pingin anaknya pergi sekolah di luar negeri.

belum lagi, rendahnya penghargaan kebanyakan rakyat indonesia, termasuk pemerintahnya, akan tenaga-tenaga profesional dan kaum ilmuwan. alhasil, lapangan untuk mengembangkan diri juga minim. again, ga heran lah kalau banyak orangtua dan bahkan mungkin si anak muda itu sendiri yang lebih mengeset pikiran dan tingkah lakunya ke arah luar-internasional-global.

berbagai berita yang menunjukkan berbagai sisi kebobrokan indonesia juga ga membantu. mulai dari terorisme, perusakan lingkungan, KKN, kriminalisme... bukannya bikin kaum muda makin semangat memperbaiki indonesia, malah cenderung bikin kaum muda indonesia ga bisa bangga dengan tanah airnya itu. pusing, gatau bisa berbuat apa, dan akhirnya malah jadi apatis. bodo amat, berbuat ideal sendirian juga ga kunjung ada hasilnya.

yaaah. nasionalisme pun menurun. akibatnya, kecintaan dan kebanggaan akan kekayaan tanah airnya, termasuk kebudayaan, jadi luntur. makin ga peduli dengan yang ada di dalam karena uda bisa liat keluar.

hemm. ternyata kasus dengan malaysia memang memberikan banyak pelajaran dan pemikiran buat kita semua yaa. BUKAN BERARTI SAYA SETUJU BUDAYA KITA DIAMBIL SEENAKNYA YAA. :):):) cuma, dari situ pun masih ada hal yang bisa kita pelajari.

ayo dongg kaum muda indonesiaa.. mana semangat kita nih?? di jaman revolusi kemerdekaan dan reformasi, kita penggerak terjadinya perubahan lho! masak sekarang ga ada bunyinya?

dan saya bersyukur saya belajar di sekolah yang sangat menghargai dan mencoba menumbuhkan nilai nasionalisme pada diri siswa/inya. banyak kesempatan untuk saya merenungkan kenyataan bangsa ini, dan banyak kesempatan untuk melakukan sesuatu dengannya!

misalnya aja, acara FOSIL (Festival Olahraga, Seni-Budaya dan Lingkungan) yang diusung oleh OSIS SMA St. Ursula BSD. termasuk saya, sebagai salah satu panitia intinya. hemmm. saya jadi semangat banget ngurusin acara ini karena saya mau membagikan kecintaan saya akan budaya indonesia.

saya sendiri anak ekskul tari tradisional di sekolah. dan saya suka gemes ngeliat rendahnya minat anak muda jaman sekarang sama hal-hal begituan. kenapa sih?? can't you see the beauty in it?? sometimes i wonder.. kenapa bule bisa lebih menikmati gamelan dibanding anak muda indonesia sendiri?? kenapa malaysia lebih semangat mempelajari budaya kita ketika kita asyik dengan urusan kita masing-masing??

and again with the question, cant you see the beauty in it??
cant you see the beauty in indonesia??
the way i sigh whenever i hear the melody of gamelan bali...
the way it thrills me whenever i see the beauty of our traditional dances...
the way tears fill my eyes whenever i flashback and all the memories i have in indonesia flood my mind...

saya ga habis pikir kenapa mayoritas orang indonesia lain ga bisa ngerasain hal yang sama.
saya sangat cinta indonesia, saya cinta negeri ini.
negeri tempat saya tumbuh, negeri yang punya sejuta budaya, negeri dengan biodiversitas yang amat tinggi...
dan sedihnya,
negeri yang perilaku orangnya, termasuk saya sendiri, seringkali membuat saya menanggapi berbagai masalah yang menghinggapinya dengan sinis.
negeri yang perilaku orangnya, termasuk saya sendiri, seringkali membuat saya muak dan putus asa; kebingungan, kita bisa memperbaiki itu semua mulai dari mana?

duh uda makin random nih tulisannya. ahaha tapi intinya, saya cuma mau ngajak kita semua untuk tetap memupuk rasa nasionalisme kita. kita harus cinta negeri kita ini.

kalau bukan kita...

...siapa lagi??

indonesia

2009-08-24T19:47:00.003+07:00

INDONESIAKU

haii haii sesama blogger maupun blogwalker.. :D:D udah lama pisan euy ga nulis d blog sendiri. sibuk beraaat. mungkin pada bingung kenapa hari ini saya nulis pake bahasa indonesia, bahasa ibu saya. hemm, sejujurnya rada aneh n ga biasa. tapi hari ini RASA NASIONALISME saya sedang DIBAKAR. huuuuuuhh. kesaaal. jadi saya bakal serba ber-Indonesia di siniii.

teman-teman, lagi-lagi khasanah budaya Indonesia dibajak oleh negeri tetangga. setelah wayang kulit, batik, reog ponorogo... tari pendet yang jelas-jelas KHAS ASLI TIADADUANYA dari Bali kini pun di"anggap-milik". tepatnya, oleh malaysia.

maaf sebelumnya untuk para pembaca yang sekiranya pro-malaysia, atau mungkin malah warga negara malaysia. saya ga bermaksud menyinggung kok. tapi, menurut guru kewarganegaraan saya, saya BERHAK dan WAJIB membela tanah air saya. :):):) jadiii, silakan dibaca aja opini saya ini. boleh setuju atau ga. tapi tolong dicamkan saya ga bermaksud menyinggung anda.

baiklah. tari pendet Indonesiaku tiba-tiba nongol gitu aja di iklan yang mempromosikan malaysia. gambar penari pendet itu ditemani pula oleh gambar wayang kulit berbatik. close up. jujur, tanpa ada niatan melebih-lebihkan, air mata saya ngegenang aja gitu tiba-tiba. dada rasanya sesak, marah, tersinggung banget! saya berasa lagi ngelihat iklan yang SEHARUSNYA mempromosikan negara SAYA - Indonesia. tapi mengapa oh mengapa judulnya enigmatic malaysia??

serius. saya marah besar. tersinggung gila-gilaan.

dan hati saya makin panas denger kilahnya pemerintah malaysia yang bilang bahwa itu adalah produksi swasta, rumah produksi yang gada kaitannya sama pemerintah malaysia. tapi hellloooooo... itu di discovery channel, kawan! masa kalian bisa gatau sih?? dan kalaupun kalian murni gatau, tolong jangan hanya berkilah begitu. tolong tepati JANJI KALIAN untuk mengusut siapa yang bertanggung jawab. tolong segera TARIK iklan tersebut. tolong segera buat PERNYATAAN RESMI yang bilang bahwa tari pendet sesungguhnya adalah milik Indonesia, kekayaan Indonesia!

siapa sih yang ga marah kalo kekayaannya direbut?? copet yang nyuri duit limaribu aja dari dompet kita bisa kita maki-maki bahkan dibakar massa kan??

ini budaya! budaya yang tak ternilai harganya!! budaya SAYA! budaya KAMI! budaya BANGSA INDONESIA!

saya mungkin kejam. emosional. IYA. dalam hal ini, saya gak mau kompromi. sekali lagi, saya mengulangi permohonan, tuntutan, apa lah ini namanya:
tolong tepati JANJI KALIAN untuk mengusut siapa yang bertanggung jawab.
tolong segera TARIK iklan tersebut.
tolong segera buat PERNYATAAN RESMI yang bilang bahwa tari pendet sesungguhnya adalah milik Indonesia, kekayaan Indonesia!

seorang budayawati malaysia bernama ummuhani sempat berkata kurang lebih begini dalam suatu wawancara yang dimuat metroTV sore tadi, "sebenarnya persoalan tersebut tidak perlu dijadikan bahan yang memicu kemarahan. apa salahnya malaysia mempromosikan budaya indonesia itu? kita sesama rumpun melayu. kita seharusnya bersama mencegah dan menyadari bahwa bisa saja budaya ini diambil bangsa barat. jika bukan bangsa malaysia yang mempromosikan budaya indonesia, siapa lagi?"

di sini saya bener-bener nyaris ngamuk. siapa lagi?? KAMI. KAMI. KAMI.
INDONESIA.
kami bisa mempromosikan budaya kami sendiri! dan tentunya di bawah nama indonesia, bukan dengan judul ENIGMATIC MALAYSIA. oh Tuhan.. sabar. sabaar. tarik napas. fiuhh.

dan teman-teman, saudara saya sebangsa dan setanah air...
ini juga harus jadi pelajaran untuk kita.
sakit ga sih, denger kalimat "jika bukan bangsa malaysia yang mempromosikan budaya indonesia, siapa lagi?"
saya sih sakit. sakit hati. tersindir dan tersinggung.

saya punya keyakinan, orang yang bisa maju adalah orang yang mau jujur sama dirinya sendiri. dan kita memang harus jujur pada diri kita sendiri: penghargaan kita sama budaya bangsa sendiri masih rendah. minim. kenapa kita ga bisa mempromosikan budaya kita sendiri? kita bisa kok. asal ada kemauan, akan ada jalan.

teman-teman malaysia, mohon maaf atas kata-kata saya yang keras. saya tidak membenci kalian, tapi sejujurnya saya membenci tindakan sebagian dari kalian yang seringkali mengklaim budaya kami, budaya Indonesia.

tlong dimengerti, kekayaan itu adalah warisan turun-temurun bangsa kami. bagaimana kami bisa terima kalau kekayaan itu diambil begitu saja? mohon kita bisa saling menghormati. kami akan belajar menghargai budaya kami sendiri, seperti kalian menghargai budaya kalian dan budaya kami. setidaknya, niat kalian untuk mengangkat budaya Indonesia bisa kami teladani.

tapi tolong. tidak dengan cara mengklaimnya sebagai kekayaan bangsa kalian sendiri yaa. :):):) ya, kita memang saudara serumpun. tapi kita punya kekayaan kita masing-masing, kan? mari kita saling menghormati dengan cara yang layak dan sepantasnya.

spread LOVE, not WAR! :):):)

randomm

2009-08-05T20:41:00.004+07:00

randomm randomm

i'm too tired to bitch around. so im gonna make dis post quick. lol
i have so many things in my head that i wanna share to you guys. but apparently everythns been so hell hectic n it caused me to be faaaar too lazy to do anythn. :D:D:D
so im only gonna spare you this quote i found last nite. it was from BBF - boys before flowers.

jae gyong: "which one do you pick, friendship or love?"
jun pyo : "i choose both. i dont have 'giving up' in my dictionary."

waw! lol impressive. to some people, it must sound conceited n arrogant. but somehow, this quote - to me - shows self-confident, shows perseverance, shows strong belief, shows courage.. things that i tend to lack sometimes. lol

so whatcha think?? :D:D i know that most peop i know today are desperately in lurv with BBF. but just fyi, i havent watched it. >.< anyone lend me the DVDs, pls?!

well..

2009-07-20T00:12:00.010+07:00

okaii. a lil late on dis one topic but still..
i'd like to say a few words about the latest terror in jakarta.
yep. my dearly beloved capital.

first of all..
may all the victims rest in peace..
and for those with injuries, i hope they all will recover soon. :)
another and - for the families left, may you all find your strength in God.
this terror probably could teach us something. that awareness should always be arrised, especially in crucial time like then - a team as big as MU coming down to jakarta.

there have been so many speculations about the background of this attack. some say that it was the job of pro-jihad, some say it's election-related, and some say - playing on the safe side, probably - that we shouldn't speculate and had better wait for the official press release.

no matter what, we shouldn't let this be a trigger for even more hatred. i plea you guys, don't just stereotype and have prejudice upon one another. :):) in the meantime, we should even be closer and support one another. don't let this terror triggers even more terror - disunion,, mistrust, and probably chaos.

HEAL THE WORLD. we are all brothers and sisters. :):)

annndd, off to the next topic.
wow. these late days have been the CRAZIEST, WILDEST ones. lol things keep mounting on my agenda, starting from parties, hangin out with friends, my student body works, church thingies, sanurian open hosue.. FIUH. i'd be so glad when it's all over. lol well, not that glad, cus i like to keep myself busy *it makes me feel alive. well, dont u?? nyehehe* but maybe a lil bit relieved. :D:D:D

btw, i just realised that i'm just the most silly-clumsy-kinda-girl-when-gets-near-someone-she-likes-so-muchos. yea, i am! lol it occured to me these first days of school. you know the era when i was so into a guy called pmpek? well.. i always seemed to be nervous around him back then. but now, when i finally had let him go, i could chat and laugh and joke with him so damn easily! nyahaha garghh. this is soo unfair. and stupid. but that's me. >u< anyone knows how to cure that stupid disease of mine?? lol eh btw, do u guys still remember this one song?? it's from HSM 1 and it keeps bugging my head for days. lol i'll include the lyrics here - just to channel it out. nyehehe it's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside i'm standing here but all i want is to be over there why did i let myself believe that miracles could happen..? cus now i have to pretend that i don't really care..

i thought u were my fairy tale
the dream when i'm not sleeping
a wish upon a star that's coming true
but everybody else could tell
that i confused my feeling with the truth
when there was me and you

i swore i knew the melody
that i heard you singing
and when you smiled
you made me feel like i could sing along..
but then you went and changed the words
now my heart is empty
i'm only left with used-to-be's and once upon a song

now i know ure not a fairytale
and dreams were meant for sleeping
and wishes on a star just don't come true
cus now even i can tell
that i confused my feeling
with the truth
because i liked the view when there was me and you..

stupidity part 02

2009-07-18T00:30:00.004+07:00

do you mind if i just made up a lil bit..?

let's have it then.
i take back my words, my last post. :):):)

i shouldn't have said it, i shouldn't even have felt that way.

stupidity :)

2009-07-17T23:52:00.004+07:00

well, well.. not much to say. :]
*after all this time?? yyea pathetic. but just cut it out, shall we? lol

i'll shoot it. nice and quick.
okay.. here we gooo.
i think i can finally admit that..

i've maddeningly fallen for my stupid cow.

shoot. did i just say that?? bollocks! lol but hell, that feels good..
i just thought that right this afternoon when out of nowhere, i smiled.
i tried to recollect what on earth'd striked my smile..
and grinned as i realised that it was the memory of him.
yes! it was the memory of him that striked my smile. :D:D:D

the memory of him dancing with me, with his stupid-jinxed moves. lololol
the memory of him holding my hands and leading my way thru the crowd.
the memory of him messin around with my hair, poking my waist with his fingers, cradling me up in his huge arms..

i know there'll be ups and downs -as there has always been
i know there'll be a great piles of blushings, groggy-giggles, and maybe even one hell of disappointment. but at least i can stop pretending to myself. i can stop denying. :D and that feeeeeels effin great!

err~ i'm saying this not to widely declare that i'm after him.
HELL, NO.
im just saying.. i think i've fallen for him and won't tell lies to my very face anymore.
i'll face it. buuuuuuuut.. i'll be a secret whisperer of lurvvv. nyahahaaha how does that sound?? ewwy, isn't it? well, i'm just saying.. i'll lurv him secretly. ;)

don't tell a thing though! ssshh..
and don't ask either. ehehe

buenos noches!! :):):)

randomm

2009-07-15T22:24:00.003+07:00

he was there

i talk to my palm and remind her,
he was there..
he once left his fingertips on you while holding my hand
and leading me through the crowd

i talk to my shoulders and remind them,
he was there..
he once held you tight as if you're the most important thing on earth

i talk to my hair and remind it all,
he was there..
he once played with you all as he joked and teased me

i talk to my feet and remind them,
he was there..
his big foot once stepped on you just to make me laugh

i talk to my ears and remind both,
he was there..
his voice -not just once- went through you two
as he sang me our favorite song and light my day up

i talk to my waist and remind it,
he was there..
lucky you! he likes to stick his finger on you to make me giggle

i talk to my mind and remind it,
he was there..
wait. isn't he ALWAYS there?

i talk to my heart and remind it,
he was there..
he is there..
he will always be there..

poor you.

inspired by: my dearie jean :] be tough darla..

the perfect guy

2009-07-07T23:00:00.003+07:00

the perfect guy part 02

he leads you to ball dance, lets you step on his feet. *even if he cringes a lil. :]
he will take you home safely, no matter what.
he will never ever make you drunk. :]
he will never EVER suggest sex.
he lurvs your family. even your pet! lol
he gets well with your friends and appreciates them all.
he takes you seriously, especially in times you need it most.
he will forgive your fault with a smile.
he brings out the best in you. :]

and do you ever think of this one?
this one is *i think* the most important one:

a perfect guy is...

a guy that is imperfect
but he can make you feel just perfect whenever you're with him. :]

goodluck on finding your perfect guy! ^^
remember this quote:
"no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing,
the dreams that you wish will come true."

the perfect guy

2009-07-04T22:14:00.004+07:00

the perfect guy

he knows your good and bad side, and still lurvs you no matter what.
he probably doesn't know it all, but he wants and he LURVS to learn more about you.
he smiles out of nowhere, just because he feels like it whenever he's with you.
you can have the most horrifying face on earth yet he still thinks that sun shines only for you.
he actually doesn't care about your pimples, he just adores your dimples. :]
when he closes his eyes, he can remember your face perfectly and tell it precisely.
he doesn't mind to remind you over and over again.
he knows when to shut his mouth up, especially when that "monthly-guest" comes.
he laughs with you, lends his ears and shoulder for you, hugs you tight.
he isn't weepy, but he can sometimes cry.. probably because of you.
he fights with you in a healthy dosage. geez, honestly, who's not bored with all the never-ending lovey-dovey situation?? :]
... but he's never ashamed to apologise first when it IS his fault.
he takes care of you when you're sick, even when he has to stay up all night.
he fights over what-movies-to-watch with you but finally joins you with the romantic comedy. :]
he calls you at once when you text him that you need it much.
he sings for you, his beautiful voice will melt your heart - or even if his voice is terrible and shaky, he's still able to make you smile.

that's all i can think of for now. lol much will come soon. any more ideas, peop??

just think about me

2009-07-04T21:40:00.003+07:00

hiiyaa there guys! lol
sorry for being a bad blogger. too much goin on. ehehe

okaii. i've been thinking much of death lately.

at first, i'm afraid of it.
i know that i've done too many sins n havent done enough to wipe it.

but more after,
i'm not so afraid. especially after i joined kep in my church.
i realise dat i still have TOO many sins. but i have been much more sure about Jesus.
these days i've been feeling much closer to HIM.
and it intrigues me, how does it feel to die and be in His lap?
will i have more peace than here on earth? *definitely. lol
will i be relieved?
will every question be answered?
will every worry be gone?
will He love me, hug me and never let me go?
and i can only imagine how warm it will be..
how nice and peaceful.. all d world be forgotten..
when i'm there on His lap.

but even more after,
i realise i still haven't done any significant good on earth.
i haven't lived my dream to be an international activist.
i haven't lived my dream to be the one who spreads His love..
i still haven't got enough "ransum" to travel to next life. lol

but anyway, i guess, d best thing i can ask Him is to hold me and strengthen me.
no matter what, i know He'll be there.
a nice picture indeed.. :]
it convinces me to keep living, the good way for sure, for He'll be there waiting for me..
His arms wide open..
His lips open up in a huge, proud smile..
and i'll know i've done something good with my life. ^^

yeaa. dont mind me. just a random note. lol
it's just.. sometimes i'm too stressed up with my life n misses God. :]

anyways. off to the next topic....... lol
L-O-V-E. hahah yeaa i always lurv a nice lurv story n i got a nice one from my sista, ajeph. there was a dialogue between her n her ASAP-hunny-gonna-be *hwe2* that i TOTALLY adore. here goes:

so there was a guy, kept annoying my sista. my sista told him to cut it out, but it offended d guy *dang. my sista felt guilty n told her ASAP-hunny-gonna-be...

ajeph: huaaa help me to forget him...
hunny: just think about me.

gargh! somehow it just felt sooo sweet to me. hixz. >.<
i want one! hahah *stupido.

a letter from the wasted

2009-06-23T15:16:00.002+07:00

A Letter from the Wasted

You come to me whenever you feel bored; when you’re sick of your world, tired of your life.

You come to me usually ONLY when you feel it all.

And I keep waiting. I keep waiting for you to come. I keep standing there, smiling.

Just because I know one day you’ll need me, one day you’ll see.

And then, there you go.

Slowly walking, closer to me. Resting on my shoulder, telling me stories.

YOUR stories.

Yet I still feel happy and proud. I’m the one you can count on.

I’m the one you trust, the one who knows the whole story.

But then, days pass by. Your life gets back in its exciting way, and here I am.

Left behind. Un-needed. Not then.

But that’s okay. I never complain once, do I?

I’m happy for your good tidings, merry story, your victory.

I’m sad for your regret, disappointment, and defeat.

Then I know, I’m not really the one.

I’m not really the ONLY one you call when you’re sober.

I’m not really the ONLY one you tell your secrets.

I’m not really the one important to you.

Then who am I?

Because then I found out, there are people you share the more.

There are people you hang out with more.

So who am I to you, really?

Am I really that insignificant?

Just a phone number on your list?

Just a phone number that exists whenever the others do not?

And do you even notice that…??

I’m never too busy, too sick, too sad, too happy, too focused WITH MY LIFE

to listen to you, to lend you an ear and a shoulder.

Yes.

i AM disappointed.

i AM sad.

i feel WASTED.

Now you’re leaving. Just a week or two…

But why is it to me like ages??

Why does my heart ache whenever I think of your departure??

Why am I afraid there will be one MORE someone you can count on??

Maybe I fear that one day, you’ll bee too busy to look back and find me.

Maybe I fear that one day, you’ll have TOO MANY someone you can count on.

Maybe I fear that one day, you’ll have too many numbers on your list –

…

and you’ll erase me.

My phone number.

0815186****

Delete this contact?

Yes No

Inspired by my dear sister, a lil of my experience, and especially…

My dear old pal that’s feeling wasted, just like stated in the letter.

IGABAKAR time

2009-06-15T22:28:00.008+07:00

IGABAKAR time indeed! lol

sooo.. today we had BBQ party at bhowo's base *st.monika bunda-vmm
it was meant as a farewell party, especially wid mrs.v and mr.h. :]
and it rocked....!! lol some of us, inc. me, got there early to help fixing d treats. yumm!!
it all looked *n tasted* delicioso!! nyehehe beef+chicken+shrimp+sausage satay, macaroni, french fries, n some other menu. i was sooooo full. lol

we had zillions pictures *credit esp. to tewe* of IGABAKAR.. we had fun..

cha-to2

cha-dvin-csan

mau2-csy-del-cha

kaki acha - badan davin

davin

laiye-cha-csy-monjul

n i had tears. lol stupid i know. but it brought tears to my eyes when i sat there on d swing, looking at all of them.. all of my friends whom had accompanied me for a year. an unnoticed passing-by year.. their laughters, their stupid jokes, their spirit, their wit.. GOSH! i've been extremely melodramatic these days but this is d peak. i felt so S-A-D dat we're (IGABAKAR) separating. and time left us only A YEAR in hi schooolll... uwaaaaa!! nooo...

i'm not ready yet. i dun wanna leave my teenagehood, my moment to be free, to be naughty, to have fun.. i dun wanna leave SANUR BSD, my second home for 6 years.. T.T i'm afraid yet so thrilled to face dat whole new world: university.

just like isoy, d thing i fear d most is.. to forget n be forgotten. i wonder.. what it would be in 5 yrs, 10 yrs frm now. will it be d same?? will they remember me?? if i die young, will they cry over it n come to my funeral??

it's not graduation. but by d end of d second term of school, i must feel kinda dis way.

"And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives

Where we're gonna be when we turn 25

I keep thinking times will never change

Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave NEXT year we won't be coming back

No more hanging out cause we're on a different track

And if you got something that you need to say

You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down

These memories are playing like a film without sound

And I keep thinking of that night in June

I didn't know much of love but it came too soon
And there was me and you and then we got real blue

Stay at home talking on the telephone

We would get so excited and we'd get so scared

Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on

We remember all the times we had together

And as our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs

And we make the big money

When we look back now will our jokes still be funny?

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?

Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?

Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?

I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?

Can we survive it out there?

Can we make it somehow?

I guess I thought that this would never end

And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?

Will these memories fade when I leave this town

I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly"

(Vit.C - Graduation)

I LURV IGABAKAR.. <3

i lurv my friends :]

2009-06-14T23:03:00.005+07:00

I DO HEART MY FRIENDS!!

i had quite an excellent weekend. i'll give u a quick recount. lol

friday 12.06.09:
isoy's blastday at pizza hut bsd. it was a real blast! lol
at d beginning i was mellow out of nowhere
*cissy, u infected me with ur melodramaticism!! lol kiddin hun.
but thanks to my bestest brother, gavin, i felt MUCH better.
he quick-called me n sang me a children's mandarin song; well, our fave song actually.
it was about someone, cheering his/her bestfriend up n promising he/she will be there for his/her bestfriend forever. lol d bad side from dis quick call?? well, it made me cried a bit. lol embarassing i know!! but i was kinda overwhelmed. plus, caesa came to d party n i just felt so happy to see her again - finally. ;)

may-caes-cha

banyak bgd ah! hwe2

veda-cha-caes

ini malah lebih banyak lagi. ;)

saturday 13.06.09:

monik's blastday!! lol it started late a bit but it was great. i was so happy bcus finally, my besties can gather all complete!! x) caesa, niq, maya, metta, acha!! plus chin2. and even more plussss.. i got 2 new great, great friends. lol flo n alvie.. d power rangers girl!! x) they totally rocked.. n i lurv them already! lol all nite long i was hugging all my friends, one-by-one, or just all-at-a-time! :D again, i was mellow n low-spirited at first. but.. it got better. thanks to my homegirl, jessi! i owe u one, sweetie.. :) we had much fun..

well yeah, errors happened here n there. like rain right when candle time, or d fireworks wouldn't light, or.. yeaaa. u know. errors. lol but like forrest gump said, "shit happens". but no matter what, we still had muchos fun. especially d fireworks part.. n of course, d hang out part!! i really lurv my friends.. n i'm so thankful i have them :)

cha-flo-vie

metta-cha-may-sha

ranger biru-ranger pink-ranger kuning

sunday 14.06.09:

it started quite bad bcus i had to go to n go home from church over n over again for some times. while i hadn't even got to go to d mass!! i was preparing for niq's second surprise party tomorrow - actually it's to hand her our gift. ;) *i really hope niq doesnt read my blog tonite. nyehehe yeaa. so i went there in d morning to meet metta n fixed d card etc.

n finally, i was planning to go to church at nite. supposedly, i met my bro, gavin, there to finish up all d stuffs for monik. but he texted me n suddenly canceled it. okay. i felt like, "fine then, nevermind. really. but what d heck i should say to my mom??" bcus she was against d idea dat i walked to church alone at nite. i myself wasnt too afraid bout it, but well, u know moms.

so i texted gavin n asked him his permission to lie to my mom dat i would still be going wid him. anndddd dat corny bro of mine called me n shouted, "no lying to mom!!". n so, yeaa, u must have figured it out; i was panicking then. really, what else should i effin say to my mom??

but then he laughed like crazy. huuuuh. n i found out dat he was lying. -.-" really funny,ko. so he picked me up n we followed d mass together. oh! at d mass, i met a funny lil boy, maybe like 3-4 yrs old. he was soooo cuteeeeeee. he smiled n was starin at me all d time that gvn teased me dat i've got a new admirer *very funny. but i lurv dat lil guy. lol he was so friendly. he waved at me all d time, he gave me his beautiful smiles, n he totally cheered my day up. >.<

well then, finally... after d mass, gvn took me to mc'd bcus he made me buy him ice cream. grrrrrr. lol but he also bought me french fries, so it's even. x) *well, it's actually not, is it?? lol i thank God dat i have a brother like him n my besties like niq, cissy, manda, etc. >.<

well, to sum things up, my bro n i had much fun. even including d part when we thought dat my mom was mad bcus we suddenly went to mc'd out of nowhere. lol but thank God, she wasn't mad. she even joked bout it. nyehehe lurv u mom!! i know dat my mom really lurv my closest friends n think of them as her own children. especially my bro, gvn. so tonite, my mom made him an ultimatum. she said dat gavin should take care of himself, shouldnt skip school so much, n MUST have great grades n pass 11th grade. if not, she wont take him as my bro n he couldnt take me anywhere anymore. lol it was embarassing n i kinda wonder, why oh why on earth i have a corny mom n bro like them?? *not that im not thankful about it. lol

anyways. what i can say about my weekend is: perfecto. :]
n all i can say to ALL my closest friends n family is: i LURV u guys.. ^.^

i wish my besties+fam all d happiness in d world n may God's blessings be poured unto them.
and now.. signing off, folks!! :] thx for being special friends of mine.. yeaa! all of u! ;) mwawchh muchos lurv.. takecare~

dramarama obama - part II

2009-06-10T11:38:00.003+07:00

my dearie friends.. :)
i wanna thank u all for ur great, inspirative, critical comments on my last post. i reaaaally appreciate it. it's such an enlightment. lol

but here n now, i wanna apologise to all who think that my last post is unfair n terribly judging the moslems. i'm really sorry, i never meant to do that.

by criticizing obama's second sentence on islam in indonesia, i didn't mean that EVERY single moslem is racist n extrimist. :) i really did not. i actually only wanted to emphasise n remind us all that we still have homework, despite all the good words obama put in for us. i just wanna remind us all that there's still injustice - regarding difficulty on issuing religious building permit, mistrust or stereotyping. i'm not talking about moslem only. i talk about us all. :)

so again, i'm terribly sorry *especially to my twincess, once.. >.<
please note that i'm not underestimating anyone, any religion, anything.. n i will never. :)
and please feel free to remind me if someday i write anything with a tendency to judge. or just ask me if u feel so. i'll make it clear n will gladly apologise if i really do anything wrong.

peace out. :) lurv u muchos guys! ure my inspiration.