“i am riding marsha-go-round”

October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 August 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 February 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011

there are many kinds of interactions and relationships between people.
as someone who gets to listen to a lot of stories on it, and as someone who's on the ride herself, there are so much to learn.

for instance, from sharing with one of my close girl friend, i found out that i'm not the only one who sometimes feels insecure about myself and my relationship. a friend of mine told me that she is in the process of improving her relationship with her boyfriend. she is trying to be less jealousy when her boyfriend hangs out with his close friends, some of which are girls. she's been struggling, because she loves her boyfriend so much that she plucks up her courage to confront herself, to admit that she is jealousy, and try to control her attitude towards it.

as for me, i experience quite a similar experience, but quite different.
on one hand, i'm not a jealousy type. i don't mind my boyfriend hanging out with his friends. sometimes i do feel left out when he forgets to text me, or reply my text msgs. but other than that, i have no problem at all.
but, on the other hand, a few times i found out that this or that girl has fallen for my boyfriend. a few times i feel put aside as my boyfriend spends time with his other close friends, some of which are girls, especially when i know something is up from the other side. and even worse, when i have to read things i'd rather not know on twitter.

but, no matter how afraid or worried i can be, i have never told him, and will never ever tell him, not to hang out with his friends. it's just not my thing. i'm trying my best not to let my fear controls me. rather, i want me to control my attitude.
yes, sometimes a selfish part of me wants to keep my boyfriend only for me, so that he would be safe from those who want to take him away from me. but every time that horrible thought appears, luckily, the better part of me always wins.

the thing is, i love him. so much that what I care the most is his happiness.
the thing is, he is such an amazing man that it would be a sin to keep him away from the world.
the thing is, he's sooo amazing that the world's got to see his light.
I want him to fly high, to rise, to soar; while praying and hoping that he will still remember to come home to me.
but, realizing these things doesn't necessarily mean that my fear completely disappears.
i still fear the possibility that he can someday walk away. that i can someday walk away.

however,
being with him helps me to expand my heart.
to make sure that it is big enough, and brave enough, and trusting enough, to let him soar high and believe that he'll come home to me.
to make sure that it is big enough, and brave enough, and trusting enough, to really know that i love him, and he loves me - just like what he always reminds me when sometimes i get my anxiety attack (i actually don't let him know about me worrying this, but it seems that we can read each other's mind and emotion - so, no point in hiding anything, actually).

previously this night, i had my anxiety attack.
i felt left out because he was suddenly missing without even a warning while i knew that he was spending time with his friends and a particular person i'm often afraid about. this happened just by the time i have a fever and three of my best friends came to me to share their problems.

from one perspective, i'm glad they came to me. they really helped me to be stronger. for them, i pushed myself to be strong. yes, for these people that i love. and in the end, i did become stronger.

it's true, what people say, that sparing time to help people when you're having your own problem can help you become stronger.
it's true what people say, that when smiling and being strong for yourself is almost impossible, it's always easier to smile and be strong for others you love.

by listening to the stories of  three of my best friends, accompanying them, assuring them that they'll be fine, that they have me to share their burden with, especially this one bestest friend of mine, i managed to keep my sanity and emotion checked. that way, i can remember that what matters most is that he's happy and i believe in him.

i know my post tonight is most likely incoherent, and that my grammar is probably awful, and that the vocabs might be dull. i can't think right, i feel really cold while i'm actually feverish. i feel light headed and horribly weak. i just need to write to channel my thoughts.

oh God, this is getting nowhere hhas

ANYWAYYY.
to my best friend M, i'm terribly sorry for your loss. i'm sure she's happy now beside our Heavenly Father. :* be strong.. *hugss*
to my best friend J, don't worry too much, dear. you have nothing to fear. believe me. have faith, and you'll be all right. *hugssss* you know you can text me whenever you need distraction, right? (;
and last but not least, to my best friend A, my sister from another mother; you will be fine. i know you're not right now (denial just hurts even more), but you will be. and remember, always remember, you have me to share your burden with. i'm there with you. and remember your promise to me! 'belajar dgn gembira!', knowingly that it will take you further in life. (;

gosh, i have no idea what the focus of this post is.
all i know for now is i want a good sleep tonight. *sniff up my runny-nose, curl under my blanket*
thank you.

Labels: c'est la vie, it's-so-me, justmylife, justmythought, love, randoming