Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

a tribute to Amanda DW

20.6.11 || 6:32:00 PM

from thinking 'i can see flaws in myself that people cannot see', now i think 'people haven't seen all the goodness that i can see in me'.

-Amanda D.W.

first thing first, you really need to visit http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com .

it's my best friend's and it has reaaally great posts in it.

one of the inspiring story i found in it, you can find in http://thequirkyobserver.blogspot.com/2011/05/my-previous-struggle.html .

this particular post talks about her previous struggle with accepting who she was, about her feeling some kinda inferiority around her best friends (which includes me).

i was so moved when i read this post. not just because i am flattered that she thought so high of me (i'm not that charismatic, you see, honey, but what touches me the most is when you said i am a special person to you and like your personal diary), but most of all it's because i really feel that i can relate to this.

i am quite surprised to see that you - of all people, amanda; we are more alike than we thought - ever experienced what i was struggling with as well.

it is exactly what i thought back then, what am i really good at?

people say i'm smart, what with almost always getting first rank - but i never really see me as 'smart'. i'm not so good in math or physics, there are people who are better than me. i think i managed to rank first because i managed to get quite even marks for all the subjects, but nothing extraordinary, like this one particular field i'm really good at.

people say i'm talented with communication and public speaking, well... at some cases, yes. but i even find it hard to adapt or even find close friends in my college at first. so yeah, im not that charismatic. sometimes, other people get to be listened to more than me because somehow they are just way more attractive than i am. especially in my major, International Relations, there are people who debate, give speeches, or even talk in classes WAY better than i do. so no, i do not think that i stand out.

people say i dance really good, both traditional or modern one, but NO. i still need a lot of improvement. there are a lot who dance better than me. me? i just love dancing sooo much.

people say i am cute, and in some cases beautiful, but well it is occasionally, and i don't turn heads. nuh-uh. not me.

etc etc etc.

so you see, i found it hard to find something that i really stand out at (i do know how you feel, Amanda - i even used to feel that i was the inferior one; what with you and adel the smartest at math and physics and etc, nana the prettiest, ita the most popular, also with monik).

i couldn't help but thought i am soo ordinary, a mediocre.

but as i grew up, i also learn to accept me. to love me.

i may not be the most gifted person in the world, but i am gifted.

one thing that i believe in is that GOD doesn't make mistake.

when i start to feel good about myself, and especially with what's inside, the world will follow.

Amanda, this is for you and me:

I challenge the worst in me; compete with the best in me.

-Unknown

i've known this quote for a long time and have always loved this quote. but only after i read your post, Amanda, i really knew what it meant (or at least what it meant for me). it's as if the quote had long offered me the answer to my struggle, but i never really realized it.

you see, people tend to compare. that includes myself.

i often compare myself to those i think are much better than me - prettier, smarter, more popular, more talented etc.

but that is exactly the problem.

i only see bits of the picture.

for example, i compare myself to A, she is better than me at doing XYZ in high school.

but when i look at the bigger picture, if i continue the comparison...

A would go into college, majoring in what she does better than me. but in that particular major, there would be people who are better than A at XYZ as well. let's say it's B.

but when B goes to work in that field, there would be people who have been in there longer, and have done better. let's say it's C.

and when C goes into the international field, there would be D, E, or even F that are better than him/her at XYZ.

and the list goes on and on and on.

there would always, always be people who are better than us. we would never be satisfied if comparing is our answer to feeling good about our selves.

but rather, the quote above showed the answer.

it doesn't matter what others could've done better than you and me.

what really matters is that i know how good i am, i know my limit - best and worst of me, and i dare to challenge them. dare to break em.

i challenge the worst in me to be better, and i compete with the best in me to see that i can actually break the limit.

i am better than i was. i will be better than i am.

i think that's what matters. (:

combined with love and acceptance to myself, also not forgetting to be thankful of me and what i am, this will *i hope* eventually lead me to happiness.

so now whenever i feel insecure about who i am and what i can do compared to others, i will remember that quote.

yes, thanks to you, Amanda DW. (:

you are too a very, very special person to me.

to my eyes and heart, you are very beautiful - inside and out.

Labels: justmythought, ultimate experience