Doodleyscratch

“i am riding marsha-go-round”

a brand new life - part 03

28.8.10 || 11:29:00 PM

now here comes the melancholic parts of my life.. : p
well, it's true that when i first came to bandung, i spent 2 weeks in total bliss with my new friends, with brand new experiences.. and i felt happy.
i thought i survived the adaptation and transition process... but i wasn't that lucky. hhas

in first weeks of college and orientation though, i began to feel a bit depressed. shocked, you can say. what with a sudden 'burden' on my shoulders, while i must totally be in charge of myself.. well, i was in quite an agony. that was also the time when i experienced problems with my health, when i missed my family and friends the most, when i had quite a lot going on in my head also about my relationship...

i couldn't, and wouldn't, lie to myself... there was also a sense of despair. to start again from zero point, as no one, to once more groping the rope from the very bottom... to not know for sure, 'is this really for me?'. to not know for sure, 'am i meant to be here?'. and yet, worse, to wonder in horror, 'will i fail this test?'.

well, it was tough.

i spent two whole nights crying. literally crying myself to sleep. for two whole nights. i let myself feel desperate, i let myself be pathetic little girl for those two nights.

but then, that was it.

THANK GOD, i found my strength back again in HIM. really. HE gave me the strength that i needed, to question myself long enough,

'is this all i can do? is this the best of me? why, then i must be ashamed of myself! God doesn't create me 'just' like this. HE has some special purpose. HE doesn't create me just to kill time. HE created me PERFECT in HIS eyes. i know i have my own weaknesses. but that doesn't mean im not worthy, doesn't mean i cant try to be better. doesn't mean i can't SURVIVE a transition.'

'hey, afterall... this is what i've been doing for all these years! one transition after another.. kindergarten, primary school, junior high, senior high... and i survived all those! i managed to make my own achievements there, i managed to leave something good behind...'

'so this time, i WILL succeed too! i will make it happen. i will NOT ASK THINGS TO GET BETTER, but rather, i will ASK MYSELF TO GET BETTER. i have everything i need in me, i have even more in HIM. i also have my family and friends, whom i will NEVER want to disappoint... so yeah, it's time. it's time to take a rise. stop crying. that was enuf. enuf for me to gather my strength and determination. this is ME.'

and so, now... thank GOD, i have found, once more, a courage to continue this fight. yes, it's true that i have to start from somewhere, from the bottom, apparently. but i will work my hands and practice them all well to manage to the top. not exactly in term of 'must be the best' whatsoever, but more in term of 'must be the best OF ME'.

hey, i'm a big girl now, ryte? (;

so my beloved friends, i wish for you all to keep praying with me. i hope this little sharing can help you find your strength too.. we will FIGHT together, won't we? :DD

yaaay, FIIIIGHHHHT!

on a lighter note, i'll give you some updates and random notes.
well.. i just got over an illness.. two nights ago i was brought to emergency unit (E.U.) in boromeus hospital, bandung. why..? hhas due to my own stupidity, of course. i skipped some meals for two days, i barely ate anything. soo.. yeah, no doubt my health dropped quite significantly.
i was going out for dinner in gigglebox, riau street, with my friends and some seniors. i was all fine at first, but suddenly i felt like i was about to faint. i kept vommitting, i felt darkness threatened to surround me -meaning, i was about to faint in any second, but i didnt let it. i gripped on some of my inner strength and wouldnt let myself faint. so yeaa, basically everyone else got panicked and insisted on me being brought to the E.U.
i got a shot for my nausea. so apparently, my blood pressure dropped and i had a maag. thank GOD, i didnt need to be hospitalized. after the shot, i was allowed to get back home. my dearest marlina and patrice accompanied me during the nite. i managed to sleep well that nite(:
todaaay. i had a tutorial at campus. from 07am to 04pm. i managed to stay still yaaay!(x tho everyone kinda freaked out seeing me all pale and stuffs, but i made it! hhas

one last thing.
i just want to put this out so i can feel relieved after all this time.. *not entirely, but at least in a way.

i acknowledge that i had made a controversial decision. it was like i bargained a friend for something that, some people at least, consider as inappropriate.

well, i could only say this. i wouldn't say yes in the first place, if i didn't feel sure enough about my feeling. and about that person.

people can think of me as a heartless person, and i won't try to correct them. they have every right to think whatever they want to think. and i won't beg for understandings.

i acknowledge i might have wronged some people. i might have hurt some people. i just wanna share, i DO feel just as hurt to do so. i am sorry, i really am. i never meant to hurt anyone, it was never my intention. they won't know how many sleepless, tearful nights i spent -torn between two worlds, two choices, two lives. even from the very beginning.

but in the end, i did decide. afterall, life is about choices, isn't it? and i chose to take a risk to make some mistake here and there. but that was because i was sure enough. i was sure enough to willingly agree to maybe one day, have a share of regret in this life. but we won't know for sure until we try.

and yes, yet i am still sure.

about this.
this thing we share,
this thing we cherish,
this thing we hold most dear.

it never means i love my friends less. i think, a heart is not like a room with a limited space. rather, it's more like a sky. to have more people to love on the list doesn't mean the space for the others should decease. in fact, it even becomes greater... for the space becomes wider... and wider... and wider...

i wish to soar on that sky, to be a little sparrow discovering every edge of it.. colouring it a bit with my presence, hopefully to bring love to those in need.

at last,
i love YOU.
ALL of you. (:

Godbless you, people..
sleep well for now.
niteeees.:DD

Labels: justmylife